If you have read some of my recent posts, you know that I have been writing about my experiences while attending the Logistics Executive Development Course at Fort Lee, Virginia. While at Fort Lee, Virginia. If you have read about my exploits at Fort Lee, Virginia, you no doubt read about my dealings with the commanding general. For example, the commanding general’s invitational deer hunt that I managed to get invited to participate in, as a swamp dog. Yay. Or about how the commanding general wrongly promoted and then demoted me in the same week. Double yay. But not all of my dealings with the general were negative. We had a love-hate relationship. I loved to hate him. But seriously, the old guy started to grow on me as time went on. Fort Lee started to grow on me as time went on as well. But all good things must come to an end and it was the same with the Logistics Executive Development Course. My class had finally entered graduation week. You may remember reading about the dining out that I talked about. Well, I mostly talked about stains in that post. You know. Food stains. Not the kind caused by food fights. Cuz those are different kinds of stains. You know. Those kinds of stains are deliberately caused. You may have read that the commanding general tried to con me into taking a teaching job at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. He said that he had heard that I was interested in becoming an instructor at the Logistics Executive Development Course. While that was true, I wanted to become an instructor at Fort Lee not in Ohio. No way no how. There was no way in hell that I would sign up for a tour of duty in Ohio. Cuz let’s face it Ohio is in the middle of nowhere. As a result, I graduated from the Logistics Executive Development Course in due course, and my family and I headed for Fort Huachuca, Arizona. If you have been reading about my adventures after moving to Arizona, you found out what happened when I initially signed in at Fort Huachuca, Arizona. What I didn’t tell you previously was that I had been assigned to the Joint Interoperability Test Center (JITC) at Fort Huachuca. JITC is a subordinate command of the Defense Information Systems Agency. You may even have read about an interesting situation with a temporary guard. In that same post, I also talked about securing housing for my family. Well, in my most recent post, I talked about securing post housing and how spiders rained from the ceilings. Oh yeah. That was quite entertaining. Not. In today’s post, we are switching gears to talk about some of my volunteer work on Fort Huachuca. Now if you have been in the Army more than a day or two, you know that the volunteer system works on a hey-you roster. A hey-you roster is usually, generally, always developed in response to a unit’s commitment to provide a warm body to the post or Garrison in response to a tasking order. The tasking order can be for anything. JITC received a tasking order to provide a tax officer to assist soldiers and their families with preparation of simple federal tax returns. Training would be provided. Wasn’t that wonderful. My senior rater notified me that I had been volunteered. Yay. One day after I came back from preparing income tax returns, my Marine NCOIC, Master Gunnery Sergeant Larry Orr asked me if I could come over to his house and prepare his federal income tax return. He explained that his wife ran a Tupperware business from home and that they needed help with their taxes. I said that as long as they had all of the records to back up the business, it would be no problem to prepare his taxes for them. When I arrived at his quarters to prepare their taxes, Master Gunnery Sergeant Orr introduced me to his wife Susan. There’s only one way to say this, so I will just come right out and say it. Susan was a huge woman. In fact, huge may be an understatement. Master Gunnery Sergeant Orr then proceeded to tell me a story. I will attempt to relay the story as told to me as best I can: I shit you not, he said, “Once upon a time, in the land of wonder, there was a Lance Corporal in the Marine Corps stationed at Twenty-Nine Palms (Twenty-nine Palms is a Marine Corps base out in the middle of nowhere in the Mojave Desert in California).” That Lance Corporal was given weekend liberty. As a result, he dressed in his finest dress uniform (the dress blues like in all the commercials) and headed to Las Vegas. On Monday morning, the Marine’s Gunnery Sergeant conducted a recall formation bright and early at 0600 hours. The Gunnery Sergeant was just about to call the Lance Corporal’s name when a 1968 green Chevy Bel Air loaded front to rear pulled into the parking lot. That Chevy Bel Air was listing hard to starboard and the back-end of the car was stuffed with kids. Lots of kids. Lots and lots of kids. What the hell?!? That Lance Corporal jumped out of the car and ran over to get in formation. When his name was called, the Gunnery Sergeant asked him, “Lance Corporal, please explained that abomination.” The Lance Corporal replied, “Sir, yes sir. You see, Gunnery Sergeant, I got married while I was on liberty.” “You got your ass drunk before you got married, didn’t you, Lance Corporal?” “Uh, yes sir, Gunnery Sergeant.” “Who’s kids are all of those in the back of that car?” “Uh, they are my wife’s kids, Gunnery Sergeant.” Now for a little clarification, you see, that young Lance Corporal had married a “dependapotamus.” Dependapotamus is an actual word. If you don’t believe me, just ask me. If you still don’t believe me, you can Google it. It is defined on Google as a blend of dependent plus hippopotamus or similar, the second particle being a reference to stereotypical obesity (and the popular misconception that a hippopotamus is largely made of fat). If you want to dig deeper, you can refer to the urban dictionary definition which states that it is a funny, joking term used to describe a spouse that is completely reliant on their military member. Do you always have to go to Las Vegas to find one? Probably not. Cuz divorced women with lots of children are always hanging around outside military bases. These women are always looking for a free ride. Now here’s another interesting tidbit. A sucker is born every day. And those dependapotamus women are waiting for those suckers to show up. Well, when that Lance Corporal showed up, a sucker had arrived. When that green Bel Air pulled into the parking lot, the Lance Corporal quickly hustled into formation. But that isn’t the end of the story. You see, not long after the dependapotamus eased up out of the car (when she finally did manage the feat), the suspension on that green Chevy squeaked and groaned a huge sigh of relief as it visibly lifted higher in the air. The entire formation burst out laughing. That was the end of the story as that Marine’s Gunnery Sergeant quickly dismissed the formation. Once I had heard the story, I prepared the income taxes for Master Gunnery Sergeant Orr and his wife and her Tupperware business. When we took a break, I looked at some family pictures on the wall. There was one picture taken long ago of a young Marine with an obviously much younger woman, and all of their kids. Although he had never stated that the story was specifically about him, I just knew that it was. But I prepared those taxes. Even though that Tupperware mama yelled at me over and over as if she was my stepmother, I finished those taxes as quickly as I could so as to not encounter any exercises in futility.
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