The Final Act – An Ode to Military Humor

My time serving as the Commander of the 305^th Supply and Services Company in the 227^th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, had finally run its course.  The day had arrived for me to perform my final act as the Commander of the 305^th Supply and Services Company.  I was about to pass the guidon to the new company commander candidate.  He was a Quartermaster Captain, and his name was Captain Jim Swanson.  I was just happy to be relinquishing my position as the commander.  Having responsibility for the morale, welfare, health, and the daily activities of 445 US and Korean soldiers, civilians, and local national personnel was a huge burden.  Most people could not begin to imagine the amount of stress that such a position carries with it.  But I was still young and in great physical condition.  So, unlike many of our great nation’s political leaders, my hair didn’t turn gray while I was in command.  Although, it would have been hard to tell if it had because I kept my haircut pretty short.  About a week prior to my change of command, the Battalion Commander called me up to his office for a quick conference.  When I got to his office, as was par for the course, I had to sit out in the waiting area for about ten or fifteen minutes before I was finally called in to see the Battalion Commander.  After I walked into his office and reported, the Battalion Commander said, “Wright, can you walk me through your change of command ceremony?”  I replied, “Yes Sir.  The ceremony will start at 1000 hours sharp.  The First Sergeant will call the company to attention, and the national anthem will then be played.  Then, the narrator introduces the Battalion Chaplain to provide the invocation.  After the chaplain has concluded his remarks, you, me and Captain Swanson will march out from our seats in a single file until we are in a direct line with you, centered on the First Sergeant.  Then, we will all perform a left face such that I will be on your right and Captain Swanson will be on your left.  Then we will march to our positions in front of the formation with you, slightly trailing Captain Swanson and me.  After we are in position in front of the First Sergeant, the First Sergeant will secure the guidon.  Then, he will about-face perform a half left face toward me and hand the guidon to me.  Next, I will pass the guidon to you.  Then, you will pass the guidon to Captain Swanson who will finally pass the guidon back to the First Sergeant.  Then we will march back to our seats and you will make some remarks.  After you make your remarks, you will introduce me so I can make some remarks.  Finally, I will introduce Captain Swanson to make some remarks.  After Captain Swanson concludes his remarks the chaplain will finish the ceremony with the benediction.  Then it’s party time, Sir.”  “That’s all well and good, Wright.  But that is not what I meant.  I am quite sure that we all know how the ceremony works.  And I am also quite sure that we will practice the ceremony with a rehearsal.”  “Oh yes Sir.  A rehearsal is scheduled for Wednesday.  It is already on your calendar.”  “Yes.  I noticed that.  What I meant was that I wanted you to walk me through who you invited.”  “Well, why didn’t you say so the first time?  You could have saved me a whole bunch of talking.”  “Well, I just don’t want to have a repeat of the fiasco that we had at your incoming change of command.”  “My incoming change of command, Sir?  You weren’t even at my incoming change of command.  Exactly what are you referring to?”  “The Group Commander told me that you invited a bunch of general officers without notifying him.  So, he was quite embarrassed when it turned out that he was not the senior ranking officer at your change of command when you took over this company.”  “That wasn’t my fault, Sir.  What happened was that the Chief of Staff, 19^th Support Command and the Commanding General, 19^th Support Command, showed up at my change of command unannounced and uninvited.  But I had worked for those people very closely, and I had a love-hate relationship with the Chief of Staff.  So, naturally, they weren’t staying away.  Now, I will say that I did invite three general officers to my outgoing change of command.  I invited the Commanding General, Joint US Military Affairs Group-Korea (JUSMAG-K) because he was the Commanding General, 19^th Support Command while I worked there.  I have also invited the incumbent Commanding General, 19^th Support Command, and the General Officer in charge of the Eighth United States Army G4.  And all three have replied that they will be here for the change of command.  I have also been told by the Sergeant Major of the KATUSAs that one or two Republic of Korea General Officers would likely be attending my change of command.  However, Sir, I did not invite any Republic of Korea General Officers.  So, you can tell the Group Commander to expect at least three and possibly more General Officers at my change of command.”  “Why do you have to make everything difficult, Wright?”  “I don’t think I’m making everything difficult, Sir.  I informed you ahead of time about the dignitaries that I have invited.  And I informed you that they have replied that they will indeed be there.”  So, when the day arrived for my change of command, five General Officers did indeed show up for my change of command.  It was no secret that the General Officer in charge of the Eighth United States Army G4 showed up because I was going to be working for him immediately after I left command.  My change of command was executed without any exercises in futility.

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