My recent adventures have been about the vacation that my family and I took to the island of Guam immediately after I had relinquished my position as the Commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company. After I had passed the guidon to the new company commander in a change of command ceremony, I decided to cool my jets for a few days and catch up on some much needed rest and relaxation. My family also needed a break. As luck would have it, my First Sergeant At 305th Supply and Services Company was also planning to cool his jets and catch up on some rest and relaxation. So, we set off on a vacation to the sunny island of Guam. Just to clarify things, when I say we, I mean that my family and I and my First Sergeant all set off on this vacation adventure. We decided to use the low-budget method of transportation to get to Guam, which meant that we were all going to catch a Space-A (space available) hop aboard an Air Force cargo plane out of Osan Air Force Base to fly to Guam. Of course, when you use low-budget anything, there is that old adage, “let the buyer beware,” that comes into play. And naturally, it came into play for us in a huge way on the flight from Yokota Air Force Base, Japan, to Anderson Air Force Base, Guam. Perhaps you know exactly what I am referring to. That low-budget air transportation kicked us right square in the ass just to let us know exactly what the score was. So, all I can say is, you get what you pay for. But I am not going to bore you yet again with endless details about those old stories. Cuz you can read them to catch up on the details. However, during our trip to Guam, there was a somewhat temperamental rental car that I managed to procure for the duration of our vacation . That temperamental rental car plays a central role during the entire vacation. Like when we were taking a drive around the entire perimeter of the island of Guam. And no doubt, that temperamental car had something to say about how long that perimeter drive was going to take. It just had to let us know who in the hell was in charge of the trip. And of course, the temperamental car was naturally in charge of the trip. There was no doubt about it. I may have mentioned several tourist traps that we passed by along the way as we drove around the perimeter of Guam. One of those tourist traps was a place called Tarzan Falls. Now there’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one, “Tarzan falls.” In all of the times that I watched Tarzan movies or the Tarzan TV show on TV as a kid, I do not believe that I ever once saw Tarzan fall. You have to admit that watching a folk legend fall while he’s swinging from vine to vine through the jungle or while running through the jungle underbrush would look rather comical, like with our friend George (of the Jungle). It would be especially bad if our local folk legend happened to fall while being chased by a tiger or a lion. Perhaps, being Tarzan, our local folk legend could still get the upper hand on said lion or tiger in a wrestling match and pull out his trusty knife and win the day. That all sounds like fantasy bullshit to me, but it could happen. Yeah right. And the proverbial cow could jump over the moon, too. But I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for that to happen. You see, I don’t swallow any of that bullshit about somebody with a knife wrestling a big ass cat with real sharp teeth and really vicious looking claws that also hasn’t eaten in about a week and winning. Yeah. No. It just ain’t gonna happen. And then there’s the storyline where our local folk legend is being chased by the angry animal poachers with big ass rifles. Now, what really amazes me is that the animal poachers do not shoot while our fearless legend is swinging through the jungle on the jungle vines. But suppose that Tarzan falls. Oops. Suddenly, the poachers have the upper hand. As if they didn’t already have the upper hand with their big ass rifles. I really never could figure that out. How in the hell could somebody with a big ass rifle (assuming that it was loaded with ammunition and that they knew how to use said rifle) not have the ability to stop a single target armed only with a knife. Yep. I was never able to figure that out. Naturally, I just had to check out Guam’s oxymoron, Tarzan Falls. So, the next day, we went back to Tarzan Falls and took the hike to what is considered to be Guam’s best waterfall. Once you get to the waterfall you can supposedly climb down the waterfalls to a point where you will find a second, medium-sized waterfall. Once you find that waterfall you can find a secret waterslide. Since I had my wife and young children with me, we didn’t explore that option. However, thinking back to my days at Fort Benning, if I had been alone, I would have definitely opted to climb down the waterfalls just so I could check out the waterslide. Cuz it sure sounded like a blast, listening to descriptions from the locals. Our visit to Tarzan Falls turned out to be a half day trip with no exercises in futility, even from our temperamental rental car.
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