When you’re a lower ranking enlisted soldier in the Army, one thing you can always count on is extra duty. That extra duty might be guard duty, barracks fire guard, charge of quarters (CQ) or assistant CQ, duty driver, or duty runner. When I was at Fort Benning, one extra duty that I performed on a semi-regular basis was duty driver for the Central Confinement Facility (CCF). But I also pulled my fair share of guard duty. Guard duty was not what I would call an exciting way to pass the time. First, there were several considerations that you had to take into account when your name came out on the guard duty roster. Those considerations were things like preparation of a uniform, preparation of your boots (were you going to spit shine them or not), and preparation of your load-bearing equipment. Next, you had to consider whether you wanted to win the competition to be named as the supernumerary. The supernumerary was an extra person added to the guard roster in case one of the soldiers on the guard roster got injured or sick during the appointed guard duty. Since the supernumerary had to be present for the entire guard shift, the supernumerary was given the next day off the same as if he or she had stood guard like any other normal guard during the entire tour of duty. Then, there was the preparation time before the actual guard mount. Normally, soldiers did not wear the uniform and the boots and the load-bearing equipment that they would need for the guard mount and the guard duty during the normal workday. As a result, they would prepare that equipment ahead of time, then they would change into it just before the guard mount. The guard mount would normally be held two hours before the first shift of guard duty was to start, usually, at about 4:00 PM or 1600 hrs. At that time, the Sergeant of the guard would inspect the soldiers reporting for guard duty and conduct the competition by inspecting their uniforms and asking them military trivia questions to select a supernumerary. Then, the Sergeant of the guard would designate the first, second, and third guard shifts. The way that guard duty worked was that after the guard mount, the guards would be given the remaining time between the guard mount and the first shift to eat dinner. Then, the Sergeant of the guard would post the first shift of the guard, usually at around 6:00 PM or 1800 hours. Guard duty would work such that guards would serve at their posts, two hours on and four hours off. The guard who was named supernumerary would be on standby in case he or she was needed. You’re all probably wondering why I went through this entire litany when you know it already. Well, not everybody knows this. For those of you that do, this was just a refresher. Maybe some things are different now, but this is the way it was done when I was serving. And I bore you with all the trivial details because there are a few who do not know the details. And the devil is in the details. The first couple of times that I pulled guard duty, I ended up pulling guard duty. Why? That is a very good question. Cuz I didn’t know any better. I was a dumb private. I didn’t know the ropes. First, I didn’t know what a supernumerary was. Ignorance is no defense. My fault. I know. It was my fault. I don’t blame anybody else. Second, you had to be able to cut yourself with the creases on the trousers and shirt sleeves of your uniform. The only way that was going to happen was with some serious starch. The kind that the post cleaners put in. But you had to specify that you wanted heavy starch. The starch had to be so heavy in your fatigues that you walked like a damn robot once you put that shit on. They didn’t call it “breaking starch” just because. They called it “breaking starch” for a reason. And you didn’t break starch until just before the guard mount. Point number two, your boots had the look like glass. You had to be able to shave with the reflection of yourself in your boots. If you couldn’t do that, your boots weren’t shined good enough. Another point was that you had to be able to bark the answers to the military trivia questions out in crisp, sharp answers. If you couldn’t bark your answers, you did not know your trivia. Finally, your load-bearing equipment had to be spotless. What I did was that I bought my own web belt, canteens, and canteen pouches to wear just for guard duty. These were little things that I learned. But they were not things that I knew the first couple of times that I pulled guard duty. Once I learned them, I made it a point to become the supernumerary every time I had to stand guard. Once I got my shit together, I got named supernumerary every time I stood a guard mount. My point was, why should I stay up all night for a day off when I could sleep all night for that same day off? My common sense meter told me that my best bet was to sleep all night for the day off. Usually, that worked out just fine. Well, I did say usually. However, there was this one time that I had to stand guard with a shit bird by the name of Cox. His Platoon Sergeant affectionately referred to him as Earl Ray. Earl Ray was his first and middle name. Cox was one of our perennial private E-1 no rank losers. He was one of the handful of privates in the unit that rotated into the commander’s office at least once a month to receive non-judicial punishment. When I saw his name on the guard roster, I was worried that he might not show up. When he showed up for the guard mount, I thought, “I’m home free. There’s not much he can do to screw up between now and tomorrow morning.” Man was I ever wrong. Private Cox was put on the second shift of guard duty. When the Sergeant of the guard went to get him for his shift, he was nowhere to be found. He had gone AWOL. He had literally left the company area. The Sergeant of the guard came to my room and got me. He said, “Masters, I really hate to do this, but I gotta put you on guard duty. Private Cox is AWOL.” I was shocked. I replied, “What?!?” “Yeah. Get ready. I’ll be back in five minutes to take you out to your post.” “All right, Sarge.” After he left I started cursing Private Cox. I should have known that the dirtbag would disappear. I should’ve known that I would get stiffed out of my free night of sleep. About an hour after I started my guard shift, the Sergeant of the guard came out to my guard post and informed me that Private Cox had been arrested by the MPs for possession of a controlled substance. Basically, he had been driving erratically and the MPs had pulled him over and searched him incident to arrest. As it was, I won the supernumerary position, but I was stiffed into pulling an exercise in futility of guard duty.
by 
by 
Pingback: Pinecone Pick Up – An Ode to Military Humor – Springtime Folly – An Ode to Military Humor