Strike Two – An Ode to Military Humor – Springtime Folly

After I took command of the 305^th Supply and Services Company, there was never a dull moment. From the very first day, I was working 14 to 16 hours a day. I usually spent some time every evening walking through the company area and strolling through the company barracks. The first time I did that, I shocked the shit out of most of the soldiers that I encountered. They had never seen their commander in the barracks before. The very first time I walked through the barracks; I was asked by a soldier if something was wrong. I responded, “No. Nothing is wrong. I just want to make myself accessible to you and any other soldier that wants to talk to me in a relaxed manner without having to come to me on the commander’s open door policy. I want to make myself available to you. Plus, I want to see how you’re living and doing in your environment. I want to see if there is something that I can do to make your living conditions better. I’m not going to come banging on your door to hunt you down. But while I am walking through, if you are available, so am I.” After the soldiers got used to that idea, I had some great chats with various soldiers every evening. You can learn a lot about the pulse of the company just by getting out in the streets and talking to the soldiers when they have their guard down. Slowly, you build a rapport and trust with the soldiers. That is exactly what I was doing. For the first few weeks, I didn’t interfere with how my First Sergeant was running things. I just let him run his formations. After all, he was appointed as the First Sergeant of my company by the Group Commander. The Group Commander just happened to be my senior rater. As a result, I didn’t want to rock the boat. However, after a couple of weeks, I began to think that the goddamn boat needed to be tipped over and that the First Sergeant needed to be drowned. Here is why. My soldiers had very low morale and self-esteem. It was visible in every marker and score of combat readiness. It was also visible in the very appearance of my soldiers. Part of that was due to what had been going on in the unit for so long. But another part of it was due to the First Sergeant himself. Every time that the First Sergeant stood in front of the formation of soldiers and addressed them, he started off by calling them brain-damaged individuals. When a person who is entrusted with a leadership position over soldiers, insults and demeans those soldiers every single time that he addresses them, they begin to lose respect for him. Besides calling my soldiers brain-damaged and diseased, the First Sergeant verbally insulted my soldiers in other ways. Every single time he had them in formation, he would tongue-lash them and insult them. And they just had to stand there and take his abuse. Finally, I could not tolerate it any longer. I went to the Battalion Commander and filed a grievance. Actually, I told the Battalion Commander, “Either the First Sergeant goes, or I go. It’s your choice, Sir.” I believe my exact words were, “It’s my way or the highway, Sir. I’m not going to take no for an answer. I’m going to fire that sonofabitch whether you like it or not.” The Battalion Commander was quick to remind me that the Group Commander had hired my First Sergeant. I responded, “Sir, I don’t give a shit if God himself hired that sonofabitch.” Well, the Battalion Commander didn’t believe things were as bad as I said they were, so of course he sent a spy to observe my First Sergeant in action for a few days. The spy reported back to him that things were much worse than I said they were. The spy agreed with me that the First Sergeant would have to go. When the Group Commander heard that his beloved First Sergeant appointee had been relieved for cause, he was super pissed off. I think that was strike two. I am not certain that he was keeping book on me. But if he was, that was strike two. And I’m pretty got-damn sure that he was keeping book on me. I could just see his sorry ass writing little notes in his little daily planner. Memorandum for record: Shithead Masters relieved my pet First Sergeant today! I am pretty damn sure that his face turned six shades of red because he got so goddamn mad. I didn’t see his face that time, so I am just guessing. But I think it’s a pretty good guess based on how red his face got during my change of command ceremony. I still remember what had happened at my change of command ceremony. The 19^th Support Command Commanding General and Chief of Staff showed up unannounced for my change of command. That was when the first entry went into the Group Commander’s little daily planner. Yup. That right there was strike one. Memorandum for record: Shithead Masters embarrassed the shit out of me by inviting my rater to his change of command without telling me. What’s up with that? His face turned about three shades of red, at my change of command. All of the arteries and veins on his neck started popping out. I thought the sonofabitch was going to have a coronary. I didn’t even know how well military 911 worked or if it even worked. Aw shit, maybe it was just better to let him die. But as luck would have it, the sonofabitch didn’t even have a heart attack. Dammit! Yup. I was pretty got-damn sure that he was keeping book. And I was also pretty sure that the score didn’t look very good for yours truly, Captain Masters, also known as Shithead Masters. I had just received strike two. And I know that the got damn Group Commander was gloating and just waiting for an opportunity to write strike three, you’re out of there, Shithead Masters. Anyway, his pet First Sergeant got the boot, and my company got a new First Sergeant. One little problem was solved in my company. I still had to work through a bunch of exercises in futility to fix all of the other little issues going on in the 305^th Supply and Services Company.

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