Stinky Clam Dicks – An Ode to Military Humor

If you have been reading a few of my last few weekly posts, you know that I have written about my family’s departure from Hawaii on our way to Tacoma enroute to North Dakota and the East Coast.  I was ultimately headed to the East Coast to Fort Lee, Virginia to attend the Logistics Executive Development Course.  The stops in Tacoma and North Dakota were to visit relatives.  Oh yeah, the stop in North Dakota was also to retrieve my red Chevy van.  If you read my post from two weeks ago, you also probably read about the really rough landing that my luggage experienced.  To be brutally honest, my luggage was beat to hell.  My luggage looked like it had been beaten by a bunch of gangbangers with chains and clubs to within an inch of its life.  Well, after I settled all of the claims for my lost, damaged, and destroyed luggage with the airline and the Army, my family and I relaxed and enjoyed some vacation time with our relatives.  One other thing on the agenda while we were in Tacoma was to celebrate my son’s birthday.  We decided to go to Ocean Shores near Aberdeen, Washington to celebrate his birthday.  We figured we would do that so that the kids could play on the beach and have some fun.  And the women could dig for clams and crabs and such.  Well, that was the plan.  Since we were planning to drive right through Aberdeen, we decided to stop by the home of my stepsisters to say hello.  I had two stepsisters on my father’s side that lived in Aberdeen.  I hadn’t seen the older one since high school, and I hadn’t seen the younger one since I had been stationed at Fort Lewis.  When we got to their house, I told everybody to hang back and let me go to the door first because I figured that my stepsisters would probably remember me.  All of the blinds were drawn in the house.  But there were cars parked in the driveway and in front of the house.  It was pretty obvious that somebody was home.  But when I rang the doorbell, I got that mysteriously frightening feeling straight out of a Halloween horror movie that somebody was watching me from behind the closed blinds in that house.  No.  I couldn’t see anybody watching me.  But I could sure as hell tell that they were watching me.  It felt like the sky suddenly got dark and cloudy and the air chilled by ten or fifteen degrees.  No.  It didn’t really get dark and cloudy, and I don’t think the temperature actually changed.  But it sure as hell felt that way.  And it sure felt like I was in imminent danger of being attacked by the villain of that Halloween horror movie with a knife or a sickle or a chainsaw.  No.  I didn’t actually get attacked.  And I am telling you that I could tell that I was not welcome.  I turned around and walked back to my car, got back in, started it up and we all drove away.  As we drove away, the blinds parted and somebody looked out.  It was as if these people hadn’t got the word that it wasn’t Halloween yet.  I wondered what their problem was.  I wondered why they wouldn’t come out and say hello?  I had known all along that they were home.  Oh well.  We continued on to the beach.  My wife, my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law dug for clams and crabs while I entertained the kids.  At one point, we held a scavenger hunt for seashells.  My son found the prize seashell of sorts.  He found an intact starfish.  That turned out to be the best seashell in the collection of seashells that the children gathered.  We went over to check out how the women were doing on their clam and crab hunting.  Apparently, they were doing quite well.  They had almost two full five-gallon pails of clams and a couple one-gallon buckets of crabs.  These weren’t the big Dungeness crabs that you might be thinking of.  Rather, they were small sand crabs.  The clams were kinda weird in that when they came out of their shell, they kind of looked like a round shell with a hard on.  I am dead serious folks.  I thought I was looking at a pale full of stiff dicks sticking out of a bunch of shells.  And let me tell you something else.  Those things did not smell very pleasant at all.  In fact, you could say they stank.  It was a good thing that shit was going into the trunk.  Cuz let me tell you, that shit stank.  And as we drove the car, I thought of it this way.  We were actually driving away from the stink because the stink was in the trunk and we were in front of the trunk.  Thus, we were driving away from the stink in a sort of roundabout way.  I know.  The logic really doesn’t hold water.  But as long as you don’t slow down or stop too long, you’re okay.  Other than that, we managed to have a good day at the beach and a good birthday celebration for my son with no exercises in futility.

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