Basic training at Fort Lost in the Woods (Fort Leonard Wood), Missouri, involved more than just push-ups, formations, and range week. It also involved things like road marches and camping out in the woods. Range week, although you would think by the name it lasted only one week, was really a couple weeks in length. And it involved more than just shooting your basic individual weapon, which at the time when I served was the M-16 A1. Range week also involved learning how to use the following weapons: the M-72 Light Anti-tank Weapon (LAW), the M-67 fragmentation grenade, the M-203 grenade launcher, the M-60 machine gun, the M-2 machine gun, the M-1911 A1 pistol, and the M-18 Claymore mine. So, a novice or a rookie might ask, how did we get to all of these different ranges? Excellent question. In my day, we hoofed it. For those of you that don’t know what the expression ‘hoofed it’ means, it simply means this, we marched or walked to those ranges. The longest road march we made to a range was 10 miles. I don’t remember which range that was, but I do remember that we stopped along the way to eat our C-rations for lunch. We also took a few smoke breaks along the way as well. I believe the average interval between smoke breaks was about an hour. When we halted our tactical march the drill sergeant would say, “Company, at ease. Smoke them if you got them.” Obviously, what the drill sergeant was referring to was cigarettes (them equal cigarettes). I’m just making everything painfully obvious for people that may not know what smokes are in today’s smoke-free environment. However, none of that stuff was very interesting. What was interesting was what happened during one of those smoke breaks. As was the case with most post-Vietnam War era basic training courses, my course had more than its share of people from the large inner-city areas of the United States. Usually, those inner-city people have never been out in the country much less out in the back woods ever before in their lives. So, going out to ranges during range week was a new and sometimes frightening experience for them. Let me explain. When you venture into a new and strange environment, you sometimes run into strange and exotic creatures that you’ve never before encountered. You don’t know if these strange exotic creatures are friendly or dangerous. You also don’t know whether they can kill you or not. I get it. I understand. If I went to South America deep into the jungle of the Amazon and came face-to-face with an anaconda boa constrictor I might be slightly scared. Especially if that sum’bitch was a big sum’bitch and grabbed a hold of me. Yeah. I might be slightly scared. Or, if I were in the jungle in Botswana, and a lion snuck up behind me and let loose with a roar, I just might fill my britches. I ain’t saying I would, but it is a distinct possibility. And here’s the thing I’ve seen pictures of those critters. I know they exist. I know they’re out there. Hell, I’ve even seen them, the live version I mean, in zoos. So, I am not altogether unfamiliar with them. I’m just saying, if I ever encountered them all by my lonesome. Yeah. Then I might have a problem. Especially if I didn’t have an equalizer. Something along the lines of a safari .450 caliber Dakota Magnum equalizer. In a pinch I would settle for a .375 Weatherby Magnum. But without an equalizer, I don’t think I would want to run up against them. It’s all about understanding your own limitations. A man has to know his limitations. With a damn good equalizer, you can knock the shit right outta damn near anything that walks on the planet. Without one, you’re toast. Burnt toast. Anyway, there we were, out in the woods eating our C-rations. Most of us finished eating right quick and in a hurry so that we could have some free time to relax. Some of the inner-city folks decided to do a little exploring. Remember what I said about strange and exotic creatures. Yeah. Chances are high that you’re going to run into strange and exotic creatures when you start to explore. Especially when you don’t have an equalizer. Sure enough, those inner-city folks were in luck. They hadn’t been exploring for more than a few minutes when they started screaming. They started screaming at the top of their lungs. Naturally, me being the curious type, I had to check out what all the fuss was about. So, I walked over to where they were to see what the problem was. Yeah. They had found one all right. A strange and exotic creature I mean. It wasn’t anything to write home about. It was just your garden variety gopher snake. If I had to peg the species specifically, I would say it was a Great Basin Gopher Snake judging by its markings. Those snakes make a lot of noise like a hissing sound, and they can rattle their tail in dry grass to make a sound similar to a rattlesnake. But they are nonpoisonous and basically harmless. But those inner-city folks didn’t know that. So, they screamed their heads off yelling, “Snake! There’s a snake! Snake! It’ll bite us!” I wanted to get those folks to shut up, so I picked up a tree branch and gently prodded the snake a little bit. And the snake started to move away. Meanwhile, the drill sergeant had also heard the commotion and came running over. He wasn’t having any of that ‘prod the snake’ and ‘chase it away crap’. Oh, hell no. He quickly walked over and jumped on the head of that snake and smooshed it. Then, he ground the heel of his boot on the head of that snake over and over just to make sure that the snake was dead. And then, he picked the snake up and tossed it into the woods. All those inner-city folks asked, “What kind of snake is that drill sergeant?” The drill sergeant replied, “That is a dead goddamn snake.” “Well, what kind of snake was that drill sergeant?” “That was a live goddamn snake.” I looked at the drill sergeant and said, “You know, drill sergeant, you didn’t have to kill it. I had the little sucker moving.” The drill sergeant looked at me and said, “For all you know, that snake could have been poisonous.” “No, drill sergeant. That was a gopher snake. I had my first run in with a gopher snake when I was six. I had to drag it out into the parking lot of a hospital with a hoe so that a guy could help me kill it. Later, I learned in the library that they were nonpoisonous. I learned that it didn’t need to be killed. It was just looking for food. We ain’t food for the little sucker. It can’t eat us, so it tries to scare us away.” “I suppose you don’t kill rattlesnakes either.” “Not unless the little bastards threaten me or I’m out in the woods and I need to eat. But God help the little bastard that threatens me. Cuz I won’t. Yeah. That sucker is dead meat.” “Tell me, Private Masters, where did you learn so much about snakes?” “Well, drill sergeant, I grew up on a farm. So, my dad taught me some things and I learned the rest in the library. Then, it was just a matter of going out into the woods and exploring.” “Are you trying to tell me that you’re not afraid of snakes?” “There’s a difference between a good healthy fear or respect for snakes and just being afraid. I am not just afraid. But I do have a good healthy respect for snakes.” “Well, I don’t want to see you playing with no damn snakes in my company. Do you get that private Masters?” “Loud and clear, drill sergeant.” And that was how the drill sergeant changed a routine road march into another exercise in futility.
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