Shock and Awe – An Ode to Military Humor

When I served as the commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company in the 227th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, I had a mess hall that was a diamond in the rough.  I just had to get that diamond cut and polished to make it shine and show the value that I saw in it.  My mess hall was managed by Sergeant First Class (SFC) Ray Ward.  SFC Ward was one helluva cook and a pretty good leader of soldiers, he just didn’t know it.  I had to coax him along a little.  I put my One Minute Manager hip pocket training to good use every time that I ran into him.  I sincerely believed that my mess hall could win the Army Philip A. Connelly Award for Food Service Excellence.  I just had to convince SFC Ward and his staff that they could win.  It was not going to be an easy sell.  But I had a vision.  I planned to adapt the tenets of warfare, as taught by Sun Tzu, and the principles of war, as taught by Carl von Clausewitz.  Of course, I had to start small.  One evening after work, I went to the Hannam Village gym in Hannam-Dong, Yongsan-Gu, Seoul, to get a workout.  Hannam Village was a housing area consisting of apartments for command sponsored company grade officers and senior enlisted soldiers.  I ran into SFC Ward in the gym.  I asked, “SFC Ward, how are you doing?  What are you doing here?”  He replied, “Oh, hey, Sir.  You know.  I’m taking care of that TMF.”  “TMF?!?”  “Yes Sir.  You know.  Total muscle failure.”  “I had never heard it called that before.  Is that something you picked up from Arnie?”  “Arnie?!?  Who is Arnie?”  “You know.  Your best friend.  Arnie.  The Terminator.”  “Oh come on, Sir.  Now you’re just yanking my chain.”  “All seriousness aside, Sergeant Ward, we need to have a serious talk about our mess hall.  Come by and see me tomorrow when you have a few minutes.”  “Yes Sir.”  “Now, stand aside and let me show you how it’s really done.”  The next day, I outlined to SFC Ward and my First Sergeant my vision for improvement of the mess hall.  I explained to them that I wanted the overall look of the mess hall to look more like a restaurant that was aesthetically pleasing to the eye.  I wanted soldiers to be able to relax and unwind while they ate in the mess hall.  To further that look I wanted to change the physical appearance of the mess hall.  I wanted to put floral arrangements on all of the tables.  However, having real flowers would be prohibitively cost ineffective.  But we could provide some perennial plants that survived long-term indoors and outdoors.  I figured that we could get the female officers and enlisted soldiers to pick out some decent plants that would work.  I mentioned to the First Sergeant that we should pay a visit to the Property Disposal Office (PDO) at Yongsan to see if they had any curtains or drapes that would work to improve the look of the windows in the mess hall.  And I thought about fresh paint on the walls as well.  I asked Sergeant Ward what it would take to shut down the mess hall for two or three days, so that we could thoroughly clean and paint the mess hall?  I had mentioned to my First Sergeant that I also had a surprise in store for the mess hall.  He asked me what it was, but I told him that was for a later date.  Then, we moved the topic of discussion to the menu served in the mess hall.  I asked Sergeant Ward what it would take to get a better menu because I believed that a better menu would increase the number of people eating in our mess hall.  I was certain that one of the major reasons we were losing headcount to the big dining facilities over on Yongsan main post was that they were larger, and they were able to serve better food.  I asked, “Sergeant Ward, how is it possible that the larger dining facilities over on main post are able to serve better food?  He replied, “Well, Sir, the amount of food and the type of food that you are able to buy is based upon the headcount that you get every month.  The number of headcount that you get every month determines how much money you get each month in order to buy food.  With more money, you can buy better food.  With better food, you can produce a better menu.  The larger dining facilities with the larger headcounts are able to buy better food, so they have better menus to attract more people into their mess halls.”  “ In other words, it’s a vicious circle.  You have to spend money to get money.  Cuz the way I see it, the only way we’re going to raise our headcount is to improve our food selection.  At first,  we can do it by changing up just a couple of meals a week and advertising those meals in advance by word-of-mouth in the formations.  Let’s see if that works.”  “All right, Sir.  But it may backfire and come back to bite us.  That’s okay.  I am willing to take a risk.  If we make the other improvements first, I think that may work.  We can surprise the soldiers and win without a fight.”  “Then, maybe you can teach me some of that ridiculous bench pressing you were doing in the gym, Sir.”  “Why is that?  I thought Arnie had you covered?”  “What is it with you and Arnie?”  “Oh, it’s nothing really.  I just have to introduce you to a warrant officer that comes into the gym every now and then.  He’s a real Arnie fan.  He can explain the Arnie joke to you.”  After SFC Ward left my office, I told the First Sergeant to get a couple of volunteers to dispatch a deuce and a half so that we could go over to the PDO.  I explained to him that I had seen a baby grand piano in the PDO when I was over there looking for the carpet and the paint for Hi Mang Orphanage.  I told him that I had put a hold on that baby grand piano because it was part of my master plan.  I ultimately wanted to put that baby grand piano in the mess hall so that we could play mood music while the soldiers were eating.  I explained to him that we had to take baby steps.  First, we would do the other things like the improvements to the physical appearance.  Then, we would take care of the menu selection.  Once we started drawing more soldiers into the mess hall, it would be time for the final phase of my master plan.  My shock and awe phase.  It would not be enough to just surprise the soldiers.  We would have to totally impress them with our entire presentation from the time they walked in the door until the time they walked out.  That was how we would attract headcount.  I was sure that it would work.  I told my First Sergeant that we would have to hide the baby grand piano in a milvan for a while.  So, we went the PDO and got the piano.  My plan was coming together with no foreseeable exercises in futility.

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