It was a hot, sunny day at Fort Benning, and that generally always meant that it was also extremely humid. I was performing my semi-regular duty as the driver for the Central Confinement Facility (CCF). The CCF soldiers had to perform all sorts of weird mundane extra duties such as sweeping, mopping, stripping, polishing, and buffing the floors of assorted headquarters buildings around the post. They also had to scrub toilets and urinals. I am absolutely positive that scrubbing toilets was their most favorite chore. No. They never said that. I just had a feeling. You know. All of the bitching and complaining they did when doing it led me to believe that they secretly loved it. You know that old cliché, “The one who talks the loudest has the most to hide.” Yeah, that one. Then, there was the swimming pool cleaning detail. Except, when they cleaned swimming pools, there were never any gorgeous babes hanging around like on TV. It’s kind of funny how it always works out that way. Finally, there is my personal favorite, area beautification. There is absolutely nothing more fun than straightening out a row of rocks to make them look ‘nice and pretty’. That is always closely followed by meticulously raking gravel and sand. Cuz, God forbid, you should actually have footprints in the dirt. Aw hell no. The brass just couldn’t allow that. Why it just wouldn’t look tidy. Can’t have that dirt looking messy, now can we. But this has to be the crown jewel of area beautification: painting rocks. I don’t know what’s with the Army and its fixation on painting rocks? Rocks weren’t issued with paint. Wait. I might be wrong. Let me ask an authority… “God, did you issue rocks with paint? Feel free to type in whatever language or sign fancies you. I’ll wait…” No answer. Go figure. “I’ll take that as a no. Thanks for your time, God.” Well, those soldiers painted more than their share of rocks. And painted rocks sure do look pretty. But what the hell? Seriously. You don’t have nothing better for these soldiers to do on a hot, humid summer day than to paint rocks. I mean, even the prisons like Leavenworth are pretty progressive. Sure, they still have the floor polishing. Except, there the floor is concrete. But damn, that floor shines so well you can see yourself in the reflection. It looks like glass. They also have the area beautification projects, but they are a little higher speed like digging holes and mending trails and planting trees and shrubs. And the good guys, yeah there’s a good one, good guys in prison, they actually get to work in the car wash or the mini-mall. So why are the CCF soldiers in Benning relegated to painting rocks and raking dirt? I could see raking the dirt if it were in a garden and you were planting vegetables or something. But, no. The CCF soldiers are just raking the dirt for somebody’s shits and giggles. Anyway, I just get paid to drive, so why am I complaining? Well, you never know. A soldier is always just one little exercise in futility away from being relegated into performing those same mundane extra duties.
by 
by 