Rifleman Shootout – An Ode to Military Humor

If you have been reading some of my recent posts, you are probably aware that I have been talking about some of my exploits and experiences after being assigned to the Joint Interoperability Test Center (JITC) at Fort Huachuca, Arizona.  My story today centers around a subject that is near and dear to my heart, hunting.  That’s right, hunting.  We’re on the subject of hunting again cuz, if you recall, my last post dealt with the late deer hunt, which typically falls during the holiday season in late December at Fort Huachuca.  Well, the Javelina hunt follows the late deer hunt pretty closely.  The game management people in Arizona call the Javelina hunt the spring hunt.  Yeah.  That’s what they call it.  But it’s not really a spring hunt.  Cuz it typically comes right around the Presidents’ Day holiday weekend.  Unlike the deer hunt, the Javelina hunt only has two hunts per year in Arizona.  The first hunt is for primitive weapons and the second hunt is for all licensed hunters with a tag.  The spring hunt is the latter hunt for all licensed hunters with a tag.  That is the hunt in which I usually participate.  Though I usually generally always use a handgun or a primitive weapon in that hunt to give the critters a sporting chance.  I realize that I could use a high-powered rifle, but that doesn’t give the critters a sporting chance.  Javelina do not have a very good sense of eyesight.  Their sense of smell, however, is very good.  Thus, a wise hunter would do well to stay downwind of a herd of Javelina.  I learned to track Javelina primarily by smell because they have a very strong musk gland that they use for tracking and keeping the herd together.  Once you learn the scent of that distinctive musk, it becomes very easy to track Javelina.  Most hunters that are out to hunt Javelina are lazy.  They don’t want to put in the work to track a herd.  The Javelina are a herd animal, and they like to roam through the brush of a Yucca wash or draw.  In those Yucca draws, they can typically find their sources of food and water as well as thick brush to provide cover for the herd.  I believe that I mentioned earlier that the Javelina hunt comes right around the Presidents’ Day holiday.  What I didn’t mention is that the hunt only lasts four days.  The season opens on a Friday and closes the following Monday evening.  My Javelina hunt that year was going just about as well as my deer hunt went (not very well).  I didn’t fill my deer tag until the second to the last day of the deer season.  As a result, I had to settle for a doe (female deer).  It was a rather big doe, but it was still a doe.  You know.  It’s the hunters’ pride thing.  The first day of the Javelina hunt, I did a whole lot of walking, but I didn’t see one damn pig to save my butt.  Not even one.  I didn’t even see a mirage that looked like a pig or a bush or cactus that looked like a pig.  On day number two things were looking better.  But only slightly better.  I saw exactly two Javelina.  Both of those pigs were together when I saw them, and they were running at a pretty good clip parallel to me about 150 or 200 meters away.  They popped up out of one Yucca draw, ran across the ridge I was standing on, and dropped into another Yucca draw.  Then they were gone.  Poof.  Just like that.  Did I mention that I was hunting with primitive firearms?  Maximum effective range of my black powder rifle was about 80 to 90 meters on a good day.  That was with no wind and the pig standing still waiting for me to shoot it.  Yeah.  That shit only happens in movies.  But it sure as hell never happens in real life.  I had absolutely no shot.  Day number two wound up as another no-hitter for me.  On day number three, things were looking up.  I located a herd of Javelina tearing up a patch of prickly pears at around ten o’clock in the morning.  I glassed the herd to watch what they were going to do.  They stayed in position feeding on agave and prickly pears and bedding down in a nearby thicket.  I had plenty of time to work down into the Yucca draw downwind of them to get in better position of the herd.  I guesstimated the herd to be about 25 to 30 adult Javelina along with 8 to 10 reds (babies).  I stayed with the herd until about two o’clock in the afternoon.  Then, I selected the Javelina that I chose to harvest.  I fired and waited.  The Javelina I had chosen dropped where it had been standing.  I saw no movement.  It was a good, clean kill.  I was about to move in to claim my kill, when suddenly, all around me, there was a cacophony of repeating rifle shots.  I had images of that old Western TV show with the guy and his repeating rifle shooting as fast as he could floating through my head.  A hunter with a 30-30 rifle was standing high above me on a rock.  He was shooting at the herd of Javelina that I had scared when I killed my pig.  But, of course, he was up on that rock acting like the rifleman from that TV show.  He wasn’t hitting a damn thing.  But I was afraid he might miss and hit me.  Bullets were flying everywhere.  Finally, I stood up and yelled at him, “What in the hell are you shooting at?”  He yelled back, “At this big herd of Javelina that’s running through this draw.”  “How’s that going for you?”  “Well, if you would shut up and let me shoot, I might hit something.”  “Damn man!  The only thing you’re going to hit shooting like that is rocks and dirt.  And maybe me, if you’re not careful.  Those damn pigs are long gone.  They’re are out of your rifle range.”  “How do you know?”  “Well, Mister rifleman, that rifle you’re holding is a 30-30 with open sites isn’t it?”  “Yeah, so what?”  “So, a skilled shooter might get 120 to 130 yardseffective range out of that rifle.  From the top of that rock you are standing on to the bottom of this draw where the pigs are at about 100 to 110 yards.  You are already pushing the maximum effective range of that rifle.  That’s with no windage.  OOPS.  The wind is blowing today.  I can feel it down here.  Add to it, the pigs were running.  The only way you were going to hit one was with a hand grenade.  Not by tossing bullet after bullet after bullet downrange.  Come on Mister dumb shit rifleman.  Knock off the stupid shit.  Let me go over here and take my pig.  By that time, the herd will calm down and settle down so that you can get close to them.”  Well, I don’t know if the rifleman ever did get a Javelina but I bagged and tagged my pig and carted it to my vehicle so that I could dress it out and get it back to game management.  I was able to conclude my hunt with no further shootouts or exercises in futility.

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