Re-Hired – An Ode to Military Humor – Springtime Folly

After I had been reassigned to the 227th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea and took command of the 305th Supply and Services Company, somehow at my change of command ceremony I was rewarded with a strike on my very first day in command. Following that, I believed my senior rater was keeping book on me and was actually just waiting for opportunities to rack up strikes against me. I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking that I was just imagining things and creating conspiracy theories. But nothing could be further from the truth. It is my firm belief that I was forced upon my senior rater as a possible solution to his problems for the 305^th Supply and Services Company. I firmly believe that he had another candidate in mind. Well, that’s what I believe. Of course, I could never prove that. But that sonofabitch was gunning for me from the very first day I took command. When he delivered the final blow and said, “You are fired! Get the hell out of my sight! Your office better be empty when I get there,” sure, he was pissed off as hell. But I thought I detected just the slightest hint of a little snicker on his beet red, steaming ass face. It was kinda hard to tell through all the smoke and steam rising from him. But I was pretty sure that there was a telltale little snicker on his face. He thought he had me. The problem is that the sonofabitch really didn’t know me at all. Sure. I was a little upset that I had been relieved “for cause”. Actually, I was really upset. I was kinda shook up too. Who wouldn’t be? I remembered back to my first command. While I was in command for the first time, my Equal Opportunity NCO and I were taking a large number of written complaints from junior officers and NCOs in my sister maintenance company, at Fort Lewis. When the complaints got very specific and very detailed, I had no choice but to report them to my higher headquarters. The allegations led to an investigation which ultimately resulted in the commander of my sister unit being relieved for cause. He was a junior Captain at the time, and he was ultimately forced to appear before a show cause board to present evidence why he should remain on active duty. He had the audacity to ask me to write a letter on his behalf. I contrasted what he had done with what I was being accused of doing. I was trying to build the morale of my soldiers. After I had calmed down, I began to reason things out rationally. I already had too many years in service for this to affect my career in any significant way. The impact of a relief for cause meant that I would not be promoted to major and that I would have to retire at 20 years of service as a Captain. Okay. I could live with that. But I also thought, “Oh hell no. That sonofabitch pissed me off. I wasn’t going to take this lying down. I was going to fight back. If the stupid moron couldn’t see my vision, he didn’t deserve to be a full bird Colonel in charge of troops. Perhaps I just needed to educate him. But was it my job to educate him? After all, he was the Colonel, and I was just a mere Captain. As luck would have it, I didn’t even have a chance to prepare a counter attack. The Group Commander arrived at the 305^th Supply and Services Company headquarters and came in the back entrance. He was immediately pissed off because nobody called attention when he walked into the building. He started to chew me out about that before I stopped him. I said, “Excuse me Sir. You can’t just come sneaking in the back door of my company unannounced and then get upset because nobody announced your presence. It is your fault that nobody announced your presence. Nobody knew you were here. Next time, follow proper protocol. Military courtesy dictates that you follow proper protocol if you expect us to do the same.” The Group Commander replied, “Listen Captain, I already fired you once.” “Exactly Sir. You don’t get two tries. You need to go to Battalion and speak to the Battalion Commander. Perhaps you could fire him.” “I don’t think that’ll be necessary. May I shut the door to your office?” “Well, Sir, you seem to be calling the shots. If you want the door shut, we’ll shut the door.” “Wright, you have to understand, I would never fire you for something like a morale boosting exercise. And I’m pretty sure that is what you were trying to do with your PT (physical training) uniform. But doggone it, you have to follow written policy.” “But you already did, fire me Sir. If you had bothered to check, you would have seen that I did follow policy. I had a specific written PT uniform policy that declared those blue T-shirts and beanie hats as part of the official 305^th Supply and Services Company PT uniform. I had that policy letter signed and approved by myself and by Battalion. The Eighth Army policy letter specifically said that specialized PT uniforms authorized by the command were allowed for the run. And that policy letter gave specific examples. I talked to one of my buddies over in the special forces group about their specialized PT uniform policy and got a copy of it. My policy mirrored their policy. I did nothing wrong. But did you check what I had done? No. It is my firm belief that you fired me because you don’t like me.” The Group Commander looked at me and said, “I had no idea you went through all that trouble. You’re a pretty good commander after all. I’ll be watching you.” “You damn right I’m a good commander. Does this mean I’m not fired?” “Yes, Wright. This means you are not fired. Get your ass back to work. And decorate the walls in this office. The shit in here looks barren like a goddamn desert.” “Well, Sir, you have to admit that the way you have been handing out ass chewing’s, I never really knew from one day to the next exactly how long I was going to be here. There ain’t no point hiring an interior decorator and fancying up the place just to tear it all apart again.” “God dammit Wright. You call soldiers in here every damn day. Usually it’s to read them the riot act. They are already depressed. Then they walk in here and see this barren assed desert and get even more depressed. Do you follow me?” “Oh yes Sir. No barren assed deserts for my poor depressed soldiers. Got it. But you got one thing wrong, Sir. I don’t read them the riot act. I just explain what it is. I’ll see if I can find pictures of clown faces immediately, Sir. Is that all Sir?” “God dammit. Dismissed.” “Uh, Sir… This is my office.” “Oh yeah. I guess I better go up to Battalion and let your Battalion Commander that you’re still here.” I called the orderly room to attention and the Group Commander left. Just like that, I was back. I called my executive officer in to tell her about the requirement to decorate my office. I told her what I had in mind. As fast as I had been fired, I had been rehired and I had dodged a huge exercise in futility.

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