If you’ve been following my most recent posts, you have probably read all about my trip with my brother Craig and his wife to Washington, DC, and to New York City to see the Statue of Liberty. And if you read that post, you probably read the sequel to that story, which kind of told about how we were armed to the teeth just in case we ran into trouble while driving through the vast metropolis of New York City. Well, as luck would have it, we didn’t run into any trouble in New York City. As a result, we didn’t have to throw down with any hoodlums and demonstrate our prowess with our firepower. However, if you continued to read, you also noticed that those weapons became somewhat of a thorn in my side. It didn’t occur to me that those do-gooders of justice dressed in red, although I don’t think they were dressed in red, at the international border, would want to temporarily seize my weapons while we visited Niagara Falls. Yup. Kinda let that fly right underneath the radar. Hindsight is 20/20. But we were in such a hurry to get to Niagara Falls that my vision was probably 20/400. And let me tell you something. Vision that bad is pretty damn bad. Hell, you can’t see the broadside of a barn even if you’re standing in front of it. That’s how bad your vision would be. And that’s about how bad our foresight was right about that time. Not worth a shit. Yeah. It was so damn cloudy and so damn foggy, that you couldn’t see shit. Well, not you, us. We were the ones in the predicament. Anyhow, I don’t think those Canadian security guards had a clue about the mentality of your average U.S. soldier and his gun collection. No. That was pretty obvious to me. Because I got the third degree while we were doing the inventory of weapons. You know. Questions like, what’s this one for? What’s that one for? Oh, for crying out loud! Seriously? I could have just given them the standard answer, “For killing shit, or for blowing shit away.” But I don’t think either one of those answers would have been huge party favors, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Sure wouldn’t win many friends that way. Anyway, once the inventory was done and the Mounties had my weapons in temporary custody, my brother Craig and his wife and I proceeded to go over to visit Niagara Falls. Of course, my brother and his wife had to visit the souvenir shop so that the thieves could take their money for the cheap junk and trinkets that they were selling. And my God, they must have bought half a suitcase full of shit. Christ, they spent at least half a month’s salary for your typical soldier. What in the hell were they going to do with all of that shit? I mean, it’s not like the shit had any street value or anything. It was just your typical made in China or Malaysia or Pakistan or some other foreign country junk. But you know me, I just stood around and didn’t say a word. They took a bunch of pictures of the falls, then they decided we should take one of the boat tours up to the actual falls. When they went to buy tickets for the boat ride, I told Craig to make sure to get three rain slickers and hats. They looked at me like I was high. My brother asked, “What in the hell do we need that shit for?” I took him over to the wall where they had all of these tourist pictures posted (naturally, those tourist pictures were for sale at a ridiculous price) of the various different boat rides up to the falls. I told my brother, “Hey Craig, look really closely at all of these pictures. Do you notice anything in particular?” My brother looked at me and said, “What do you mean?” “What do I mean? You don’t see anything in particular about these pictures? What is the one thing that all of these pictures have in common? And don’t tell me it’s the boat or the waterfalls.” “Oh, I see. All the people in those pictures are wearing yellow rain slickers and rain hats.” “Yeah. And if you don’t want to get freezing ass wet, you’ll rent three of those slickers.” “Why do I need three slickers?” “Look, Einstein. You don’t need three slickers. You only need one slicker. But your wife needs a slicker, and I need a slicker. One for you plus one for your wife plus one for me makes three. Okay?” “Got it.” Well, we got on the boat and the boat headed toward the bottom of the falls. As the boat started to approach the bottom of the falls, I told my brother and his wife to head up onto the front deck of the boat. He looked at me and asked, “Aren’t you coming with us?” I replied, “I’ll be right behind you. I just have to put some film into the camera.” Hook, line, and sinker. He bought it all the way. My brother and his wife headed out onto the deck. I stayed behind in the dry cabin. I had been there before and done that. Those rain slickers, yeah, they’re just “feel good” rain slickers. They make you feel good because you think you’re protected. Wrong. You still get soaked like a battered beach-house in a hurricane. After the boat turned around and started heading back toward the dock where we had embarked, my brother and his wife came back into the cabin. My brother walked up to me and asked, “So, what happened to you?” I replied, “I think the better question is what happened to you? If you noticed, I didn’t get wet. Can you say the same?” “What the hell was all that bullshit about renting the rain slickers to stay dry?” “Oh, well, if you think back, I never said anything about those rain slickers keeping you dry. I just said that if you didn’t want to get freezing ass wet, you should rent the rain slickers.” “You kinda tricked us.” “How did I trick you? Are you freezing? Are you cold? Granted, you’re probably a little wet. That’s why I didn’t go out there. I’ve already been there, done that, got that T-shirt.” “You could’ve saved us the trouble.” “Not a chance. Going up to the falls on the boat like that is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Now what you really want to do is to try that on a really hot day in the summer.” My brother and his wife thought that they would probably never get back up that way, so they spent the money on the boat photo as well. When we left Niagara Falls and headed back to the border crossing, I had to stop and pick up my weapons. Once again, I got the third degree from the Canadian security guards. However, they gave me my weapons in due course without much hassle. When I pulled up to the American border crossing, the border patrol agent asked me for my identification. After I showed him my military ID and my driver’s license, he asked me what all the commotion was about over at the Canadian information station. I told him about my weapons and how I had to inventory them and check them in while I went to the falls. He asked me how many weapons I had. I said, “I only had seven rifles and handguns.” Even he looked at me kind of funny and asked, “Why did you have so many?” “Well, my brother and I had been hunting just before we came up here, and I forgot to take the weapons out of my car. The other thing is, I sort of wanted them for protection when we went through New York City.” “Oh. Makes sense. Well, you have a good day and be safe.” “Thank you, sir.” With that, we headed away from Niagara Falls and back toward Aberdeen, Maryland. As we reflected upon our trip, we realized that it had been filled with many exercises in futility.
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