I purchased a new Pontiac T1000 for my wife in Tacoma, Washington. At the time I purchased it, we were very excited and couldn’t wait to drive it off of the dealer’s car lot. I think we made it all of two blocks down the street on South Tacoma Way before we hit a snag. No. We didn’t have any car problems. The car was running like it was brand-new because essentially it was brand-new. Well, almost new. It did have those 5000 dealer-demo miles on it. But dealer-demo miles technically don’t count. Dealer demo miles don’t count because the dealer is using the car to advertise the car, his brand, and his store (franchise). So, yeah. The car was running great. That wasn’t the problem. However, the flashing bubblegum machine chomping at the rear bumper of my car was a serious problem. Now I don’t know about you, but I always drive extremely carefully in a brand-new car. Since my wife was at the wheel, and it was her car, she was driving even more cautiously. As a result, I knew we hadn’t been speeding. I also knew that we hadn’t run any stop signs or red lights. So, exactly what in the hell had we done? Hmmm… No clue. I told my wife to pull over and let the donut catcher tell us what we had done wrong. One of Tacoma’s finest donut catchers finally managed to crawl out of his patrol cruiser and waddle over to our car. He was a big beefy fellow. When he sat down at a Dunkin’ Donuts, he had to put away at least a Baker’s dozen all by himself. At least one dozen for sure, maybe two. I could just picture him stuffing those donuts into his fat chops. I could see the crumbs dropping down the front of his shirt, and the chocolate frosting smearing all around his lips and chin. Jelly filling smeared everywhere. That was a helluva vision. I shook my head. Judging by his belly, I’d say he was a size 46 tall. He stood at least six foot four if he stood an inch. He easily topped 270 pounds on the scales. Like I said, he was a big beefy fellow. And I am double damn sure that he loved his donuts. He also had a little swagger to him like he was sure about himself and his business. He stuck his thumbs in his pistol belt when he got to the car. I told my wife to roll down the window and take out her driver’s license. I handed over the paperwork to the car that we had just signed at the dealership. Then I asked, “What seems to be the problem officer?” He looked over at me, then he looked at my wife, then he sneered and said, “This here car isn’t properly licensed.” He obviously hadn’t had any donuts yet today because his piss ant brain wasn’t functioning properly. I looked at him and replied, “No shit, Einstein. Did you look at the papers I handed you? Wait a minute. I’ll answer that for you. No. You were too busy sticking your thumb up your ass thinking you were important. Do your goddamn job. Look at the papers. We just bought this car. We’re driving to the DMV to get the license plate.” “Hey punk. You can’t talk to me like that. You’re just a goddamn private from Fort Lewis.” “Wrong. You ain’t got no stripes on your sleeve. You’re the goddamn private. Here is my ID card. Read it and weep asshole. Then, read the papers in your hand.” “Oh shit. My apologies Sir. It appears that you just bought this car.” “Yeah. Isn’t there a little decal taped in the rear window?” “You know what? I didn’t even notice that.” “You know what I think? I think you need to go over to Lakewood and visit the Dunkin’ Donuts shop. I think you’re about a Baker’s dozen low. At least a dozen anyway. What do you think?” “Oh, come on. I don’t eat that many at one time.” “But you do eat donuts. Don’t you?” “Yes. I eat donuts. As a matter of fact, I like donuts.” “You know, when you walked up to the car, I had a vision that you liked the ones with the jelly filling and the chocolate frosting. Am I right?” “How in the hell did you know that?” “Like I said, I had this vision as you were walking up to the car.” “Well, here’s your paperwork back Sir. You folks have a nice day. I’m sorry to have bothered you. I think I’ll go get those donuts now. You drive safe now, you hear.” “Thank you, officer.” We waited until the officer got back into his cruiser before we left. We didn’t want to give him any excuses to give us a ticket. Plus, I think my wife was still a little bit shook up from the whole experience of being pulled over by the police. For me, it was no big deal because it happened all the time. But for my wife, it was a pretty big deal because she had never been pulled over by the police before, even if this was just another exercise in futility for us both.
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