When I was stationed at the Electronic Proving Ground (EPG) at Fort Huachuca, Arizona, I was named the outstanding NCO of the year for the Electronic Proving Ground. The EPG commander sent me to Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland, to compete for the Army Test and Evaluation Command (TECOM) NCO of the year board. I flew out to Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland with the EPG Command Sergeant Major, and the EPG soldier of the year. The EPG soldier of the year was also going to Aberdeen Proving Ground to compete in the TECOM soldier of the year board. The Command Sergeant Major was a real trip. He told me and the soldier of the year, Private First Class (PFC) Jones, “I don’t want to smell any funky smells while we’re on this trip guys. I’m allergic to that wacky tobacky. So, don’t get any funny ideas. Cuz I’d really hate for this week to be ruined.” After we got to Aberdeen and got checked in, the Command Sergeant Major told us he would meet us the next morning at 9:00 AM. After we went our separate ways, PFC Jones looked at me and said, “Wow! The Sergeant Major is a trip. What was with that speech he gave us?” I replied, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I really wasn’t expecting the riot act before we ever got here. And that bullshit about the marijuana. Man. That was really out there. He was treating us like redheaded stepchildren, and he’s the one with the red hair. What’s up with that?” “For sure. I’m with you. Check it out, where can we get some beer?” “I know a dude who went to school with me in Denver for calibration. He is stationed here. I got his number. I’ll call him. Maybe we can hook up.” So, I called my buddy from calibration school. We set up a get together, then I told Jones. A couple hours later, my calibration buddy picked Jones and me up in a yellow Volkswagen Thing. I had never been in a Volkswagen Thing before and neither had PFC Jones. My calibration buddy, specialist four (SP4) Benson, called it his dune buggy. He drove it like it was a dune buggy as well. First, we bought some beer and cruised out to the ocean over in Delaware. Then, he wanted to show us how well his dune buggy performed in the sand. It turned out that it didn’t perform very well at all with its rather anemic engine. That Volkswagen Thing got stuck a couple times in the sand. The rent-a-cops that policed the beach came by and warned us to get the yellow piece of shit off of the beach the second time we got it stuck. As a result, we went into town, to a bar that had a live band. When I say we went into town, I have no idea what town we went to. It could’ve been Havre de Grace. But like I said, I have no idea what town it was. The bar we went to was pretty good, though. The donut patrol was out in force when we were driving back to Aberdeen. I noticed that Benson was being especially careful to avoid drawing their attention. However, we arrived back at Aberdeen without incident. The next day, we met the Command Sergeant Major at the appointed time and went to breakfast. Then, we proceeded to TECOM headquarters. I don’t remember a whole lot about the NCO of the year competition except for one question. Maybe two questions that I was asked. The questions that I remember centered around the names of the TECOM Command Sergeant Major and the Command Sergeant Major of the Army. There were two Command Sergeants Major sitting on the panel asking the questions. I didn’t know either one of them, and I didn’t know who held the two positions for which they were asking the questions. But here was my logic. I figured that the guy sitting in the middle of the panel was the senior guy. It also seemed like everybody else on the panel was deferring to him. Thus, I figured he was the Command Sergeant Major of the Army. I could have been wrong. But I didn’t think so. Each of them had a name tag in front of them to identify who they were. All I did was read the name tag and say Command Sergeant Major X is the Command Sergeant Major of the Army. And when they asked me the question about who the Command Sergeant Major of TECOM was. I answered that the Command Sergeant Major of TECOM was Command Sergeant Major Y. Again, they questioned my answer. And I couldn’t understand why they were questioning my answer, but I stood firm. During the debrief, when they were telling the contestants how they did, the Command Sergeant Major of the Army asked me how I had reached my answers to those two questions. I asked, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, why do you ask?” The Command Sergeant Major the Army responded, “Well, it seems you’re the only person that got the question right. Everyone else got the question wrong.” “Really? That’s interesting. Everyone else got the question wrong? Does that mean that everyone else got the other question about the Command Sergeant Major of TECOM wrong as well?” “Yes. As a matter of fact, that is exactly what happened. What I want to know is who trained you or prepared you for this board? And I want to know how you reached the answers that you reached.” “Well, to answer your first question I prepared myself using the TECOM Study Guide. By the way, the answer to those two questions is not in that study guide. I also had a copy of the EPG Study Guide. But it also does not answer those two questions. Those two questions are not even addressed. Now I know that I was told to be prepared to answer questions on the chain of command. The chain of command covers the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Chief of Staff of the Army, the TECOM commander, the EPG commander, and my company commander. Do you see what’s wrong with that?” “Yes. It seems as if there are a few holes in that chain of command.” “Yes, Sergeant major. All of the NCOs in the chain of command are omitted. So, when you asked your question, you threw me for a loop. I had to guess. But I figured since you were asking the question, you were on the board. Then, I had to decide which of the two sergeant majors on the board you were. Since you were sitting in the middle and everyone seemed to be deferring to you, I figured the smart money would be to bet on you as the Sergeant major of the Army. So, that’s what I did. Then when you asked who the Command Sergeant Major of TECOM was, I used the same logic. I figured he was also on the board, and he had to be to your right. I used the process of elimination. The other factor that helped me was that you had your name tags lined up right there on the table for me to read. Thank you for that, by the way. Having those names really bailed me out. No names, I don’t answer those questions. No names, I also don’t get the questions right.” “That was some really fast thinking on your feet. Between your quick thinking and the way that private, what’s his name, Jones barked out his answers, you two easily set the standard.” The NCO and the soldier of the year boards deliberated the rest of that day. PFC Jones and I hooked up again that night and went out bar hopping in Aberdeen. The next morning, we flew back to Fort Huachuca, Arizona. This trip could arguably have been seen as an exercise in drinking futilely.
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