Pitiful Stragglers – An Ode to Military Humor

Well, my days serving as the Commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company in the 227th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, had come and gone.  And my fantastic vacation to the island of Guam with my family had also come and gone.  It’s funny how time flies when you are having fun.  And it is also funny how time seems to drag on and on when you are doing something boring and mundane.  If you recall my final act as the 305th commander, you will remember that I invited three general officers to my change of command ceremony.  In fact, five general officers actually did show up for my change of command, three US Army general officers and two Republic of Korea Army generals.  One of the three generals, the General Officer in charge of the Eighth United States Army G4 showed up because I was going to be working for him immediately after I left command and returned from Guam.  I was going to work for the General Officer in charge of the Eighth United States Army G4 because I had kind of worked for him while I was assigned to the Matériel Readiness Office under the Deputy Chief of Staff, Matériel, 19th Support Command, Camp Henry, Korea.  In reality, I had worked for multiple people while I held the position as the chief of the aforementioned Matériel Readiness Branch.  I had worked for the Deputy Chief of Staff, Matériel, 19th Support Command.  But I had also worked for the Chief of Staff, 19th Support Command, the Commanding General, 19th Support Command, and General Officer in charge of the Eighth United States Army G4.  One of my duties and responsibilities while I was assigned to the Matériel Readiness Office was to participate as a member of the Eighth United States Army Command Logistics Review Team.  After I reported for duty at Headquarters, Eighth United States Army G4, I was again assigned almost immediately to the Eighth United States Army Command Logistics Review Team.  As a result, I spent a lot of time out on the road with the inspection team.   As a result, when I came back from one of my trips out on the road with the inspection team, I came back to a new General in charge of the Eighth United States Army G4.  Of course, the new General thought he was the commander in chief or God or some shit and treated all of us like privates instead of the senior officers and NCOs that we were.  He instituted these Friday morning physical training runs, and mandated that all of the rank-and-file officers and NCOs of the Eighth United States Army G4 must participate.  When the first actual physical training run was conducted, we had to run a two-mile run for time along the standard physical training route.  It was interesting to note that the Sergeant Major, the G4 General in charge, the Sergeant Major’s clerk, and the aid to the General were exempt from running.  I guess it must be nice to have a get out of jail free card.  Cuz it sure as hell seemed like those four individuals had one.  Cuz they didn’t have to run.  However, everybody else on the G4 staff was required to run the two-mile run for time.  The following Friday at 0600 hours, the entire staff of the Eighth United States Army G4 assembled in the parking lot next to the Yongsan South Post gym.  Once again, we waited like obedient little sheep for the General to show up.  Once again, the General took his sweet assed time and came lollygagging into the parking lot at about 0625 hours with a cup of coffee in his hand.  Was it just me or were there traces of donut crumbs and frosting around his lips?  Maybe I was imagining things?!?  No.  I don’t think so.  I think that the sonofabitch had been eating donuts and drinking coffee while we stood here in formation waiting on his ass.  What a sorry sonofabitch.  Then, the Sergeant Major called us to attention so that the General could give us a lecture.  And lecture us, he did.  The General said, “Folks, I looked at your run times from last week’s two-mile-run.  With one or two exceptions, they were pitiful.  Therefore, this week you all will run that two-mile-run again for time with one exception.  This time, you will run the two-mile-run in formation.  Sergeant Major, give me the names of those two Captains that will set the pace.”  The Sergeant Major replied, “Yes Sir.  Those two Captains are Captain Masters and Captain Peterson.”  “As I said, two Captains will set the pace.  You heard the Sergeant Major call their names.  They will set a moderate, eight-minute-per-mile pace.  We will position personnel along the route to record the names of those who fall out of the formation during the run.  This run in formation is to be practice for the run in formation that I will lead next week.  I am giving you pitiful people time to improve your physical conditioning, so I advise you to use your time wisely.”  After the General was finished preaching to us, he turned the formation over to the Sergeant Major so that we could begin the two-mile-run in formation.  Captain Peterson and I set the pace for the formation.  We ran at a moderate pace and called cadence.  But it didn’t seem to help.  There were still quite a few stragglers that couldn’t even run two miles.  As the General had said, they looked pitiful.  But other than the pitiful stragglers, we finished the two-mile-run in formation with no exercises in futility.

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