Perimeter Drive – An Ode to Military Humor

My recent adventures have been about the vacation that my family and I took to the island of Guam immediately after I had relinquished my position as the Commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company.  After I had passed the guidon to the new company commander in a change of command ceremony, I decided to cool my jets for a few days and catch up on some much needed rest and relaxation.  My family also needed a break.  As luck would have it, my First Sergeant  At 305^th Supply and Services Company was also planning to cool his jets and catch up on some rest and relaxation.  So, we set off on a vacation to the sunny island of Guam.  Just to clarify things, when I say we, I mean that my family and I and my First Sergeant all set off on this vacation adventure.  We decided to use the low-budget method of transportation to get to Guam, which meant that we were all going to catch a Space-A (space available) hop aboard an Air Force cargo plane out of Osan Air Force Base to fly to Guam.  Of course, when you use low-budget anything, there is that old adage, “let the buyer beware,”  that comes into play.  And naturally, it came into play for us in a huge way on the flight from Yokota Air Force Base, Japan, to Anderson Air Force Base, Guam.  Perhaps you know exactly what I am referring to.  That low-budget air transportation kicked us right square in the ass just to let us know exactly what the score was.  So, all I can say is, you get what you pay for.  Anyway, I also talked about the long wait that we spent at Anderson Air Force Base waiting to check in at the officer guest quarters.  Once I had accomplished those things, I needed to secure some transportation to get around the island.  I talked about the car that I was able to rent for a mere ninety-four dollars ($94) for the entire duration of our vacation.  But I must say that there is one small little detail about that rental car that I neglected to mention before.  And it perhaps bears mentioning now.  Cuz it plays an especially important role in what I am about to tell you.  You see, when I rented that car, the dude that rented it to me made a huge point of pointing out a gallon jug of water in the trunk.  He told me to make sure that I always kept that jug of water full.  Naturally, being a curious sort of fellow, I asked the obvious question, “Why?”  He explained that the car overheated every so often.  And when it did, the driver (in this case me) would have to pull off to the side of the road or wherever and let the car cool down, and then add water to the radiator before heading on his merry way.  That was a genuinely nice to know tidbit.  On the morning of the second day that we were on the island, I talked about visiting one of the local beaches, and our encounter with wild pigs that came out of nowhere and thought we were food.  And there were the giant coconut crabs that scared the shit out of us but didn’t really bother us.  I later learned that those giant coconut crabs didn’t really bother us because we weren’t really part of their diet and we didn’t have anything shiny to steal like baubles, trinkets, and jewelry.  We had secured all of that stuff in our rental car before we went down to the beach.  Little did we know that those conniving coconut crabs were actually thieves.  There were even these flying foxes that managed to scare the living shit out of my wife and daughter the first couple of times that we went out picking fruit.  However, they were not actually flying foxes.  Oh, come on.  Have you ever actually seen a flying fox?  I didn’t think so.  These critters were actually fruit bats that were ever present while we harvested the fruit of Guam.  Our next order of business was to drive all the way around the perimeter of the island of Guam to make a mental note of tourist spots that we wanted to visit.  The drive around the perimeter of the island would also give us a grand overview of the island and everything that the island had to offer.  Before we took off on our perimeter drive, I asked around to determine how long it should take to drive completely around the island.  Several different people told me to expect it to take at least an hour and a half to two hours driving an average speed of thirty-five miles an hour.  I figured that it might take me a little longer than that because I would probably drive a little slower so that we could take in the scenery of Guam as we passed by.  After I had been driving for about thirty-five minutes, the car decided to overheat.  Now, I don’t know if that car had a timer on the radiator or the thermostat?  And I am not certain whether that car had a mind of its own or not?  But it sure as hell seemed like it.  Cuz how in the hell did it know when it was time to overheat?  Was it thinking, “Well, let’s see, I’ve been running about thirty-five minutes, so I should be pretty damn hot, so I’ll just overheat.”  That seems rather preposterous to believe.  And it seems like some sort of fantasy that could only happen on TV.  But here it was in broad daylight, and in real life happening to us.  So, I waited until the car cooled down, and then I topped off the radiator with water from the gallon jug and then we took off again.  We made the trip around the rest of the perimeter of the island without incident.  I reminded myself to fill up the gallon jug with water at the next chance that I got.  While we were driving around the perimeter of Guam, we noted the following tourist locations: Piti Guns and Mahogany Forest, Hilaan Beach and Lost Pond, Priest Pools, and Tarzan Falls.  We also drove by a rather large Navy base as well.  I would be remiss if I did not mention some of the other beaches that Guam has to offer.  First, there is Tanguisson Beach.  Then there is Shark Cove Beach.  Next, there is Ypao Beach Park.  Then, there is Talofofo Beach, which is not your typical white sand beach.  The sand actually looks a little green.  We were told that is because there are some greenish olivine crystals mixed in with the sand.  Next, there is the Inarajan Pools, which is more of a bathing and floating area than a real beach.  It even has a high-dive platform for thrill seekers looking for a little excitement.  Matapang Beach is located right in the middle of Tumon, so it can get really crowded.  Not only that, but it also has all the bells and whistles.  It has lifeguards, bathrooms, showers, and picnic areas.  It is a real tourist trap.  Gun Beach and the more secluded Fai Fai Beach are also good beaches to check out.  Bear in mind that Guam has more than forty beaches to explore along its coastline.  We found a couple of beaches that we liked that nobody else seemed to go to and we stuck with them.  When we finished our drive around the island, I noted that it had taken close to three hours.  That time included the time to allow the car’s engine to cool down as well.  Plus, I wasn’t driving amazingly fast.  Other than the little fiasco with the engine overheating we encountered no more exercises in futility during our perimeter drive.  

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