When I drove for the CCF (Central Confinement Facility) at Fort Benning, I had a lot of downtime while the soldiers were performing their extra duties. The Sergeant in charge of the CCF detail would usually tell me when to be back to pick him and the soldiers up if I had somewhere to go. Then, he would release me to take care of business. That arrangement between us usually worked out quite well. One of the things that I liked to do when I had free time while performing the CCF duty was to go over to main post and watch the candidates at Officer Candidate School (OCS). Another thing that I liked to do was to go out on the other side of Lawson Field and watch the airborne school trainees make their first jump out of the C141’s. Watching the airborne school trainees make jumps during tower week was also a treat because I always saw things that reminded me of what a wise decision I had made not to go to airborne school. One day when I was watching the OCS candidates doing what appeared to be what can best be described as a Laurel and Hardy cartoon, but I’m sure they called it something else, I was lit up by an MP (military police) patrol. I thought, “This is really odd because I’m sitting in a parked vehicle and my vehicle is legally parked.” When the senior MP patrolman approached my deuce and a half, I immediately understood why I was accosted. The MP sergeant waddled up to the deuce and a half and said, “I thought I recognized this truck.” I looked down at him from the driver seat, and I replied, “Exactly what the hell does that mean?” “Aren’t you the wise ass private with that Shit-Brown Buick that got busted into a while back out in Harmony Church?” “First of all, you donut-eating gorilla, this is police harassment. Second, the color of my car is not Shit-Brown, it is metallic brown metal flake. Third, I am not a private, I am a specialist. Fourth, my vehicle is legally parked. So, why are you harassing me?” “Did you call me a gorilla?” “Give the boy an A. And if you are expecting me to buy you donuts, you are sadly mistaken chubby.” “Did you know that there is an ordinance on Fort Benning that prohibits the parking of trucks over 1 ton on main post?” “Is that a fact? And I suppose you have already enforced it on the five other vehicles that are parked on this same block. Well, have you? Because if I walk to those vehicles and do not find citations on them, I will report you for harassment. Just so we’re clear.” “That’s it. Get out of the truck. You are coming with me.” “I will do no such thing, sergeant. I will have you know that I am driving for the CCF. If you interfere with my assignment, you will have to explain to the infantry brigade commander, to the post commander, to the CCF commander, and to the sergeant in charge of the CCF detail why I cannot perform my duty. Who do you think is going to get in trouble, me or you?” “I am not telling you again. Get out of the truck.” So, I secured the vehicle and got out. Then, the sergeant put me in handcuffs and locked me in the back of his car. As soon as I was in the car, I started in on him. I quipped, “Sarge, handcuffs? Really? Am I that vicious? There’s a cage between you and me. There are bars on the windows. And the back doors are locked from the outside so that I cannot open them. What did I do? You can’t get away with this. When we get to your station, I’m going to use my telephone call to call a lawyer. Not an Army lawyer. Oh hell no. A civilian lawyer. I’m going to sue your donut loving ass.” The MP sergeant bashed on the metal mesh between the front seat in the back seat so hard he drew blood on his knuckles. Then, he said, “You better shut the hell up. Besides, you can’t sue me, I’m in the Army.” “I beg to differ with you, Sarge. The Army doesn’t protect individuals from civil suits. I can definitely sue your ass. And haul you into court I will. You’re not above the law. In fact, when they come to serve papers on you, I’m going to ask them to put you in cuffs to see how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot. You prick.” “They don’t handcuff people when they serve papers, do they?” “Wait and find out. You’re so damn smart. You think you know everything. You harassed me and I didn’t even do anything. Why don’t you just take me back to my truck and take the cuffs off of me and let me go? Then, you can go over to the donut shop and have a few donuts and chill out. Don’t you think that is a better plan?” “A better plan than what?” “I don’t know. This circle jerk that you’re pulling right now. You may think it’s funny now. But I assure you, you will not be laughing later when you get caught jerking off. What do you say? Let me go.” “Shut up already. I gotta think.” Finally, the MP sergeant’s partner said, “Excuse me, Sarge, explain to me again why we grabbed him. Cuz he could get us into a lot of trouble with his big ass mouth. He just doesn’t know how to shut up. I think his mouth is nuclear powered. And if he doesn’t show back up to pick up the CCF detail, shit will roll downhill when the brass finds out we nabbed him. And I’m pretty sure we can’t just take him out and shoot him. I am also sure he will not let them forget that we are the ones responsible for everything short of shooting him that happens to him. So, please just let him go.” Then, I added for good measure, “Yeah Sarge. Be a good sport. Let me go. I won’t tell anybody that you screwed with me, honest.” Then, the sergeant said, “God dammit, how does this clown always win?” I exclaimed, “Oh, that’s easy Sarge, I don’t eat donuts!” “That’s bullshit. I know for a fact that you eat donuts.” “Oh yeah? How’s that? Do you have video proof? Do you have pictures? I seriously doubt it. Have you ever caught me parked in front of a donut shop? Hell no. But where are the cops always parked? You guessed it. They can always be found at the donut shop.” Finally, the sergeant took me back to my truck and let me go. When he opened the MP patrol car and let me out to take off the handcuffs, I stood right beside him for a minute. I did that to get in one parting shot. I said, “Look guys. Compare the Sarge to me. The donut lover to the non-donut lover and notice the size difference.” The sergeant looked at me in anger and hissed, “Why you piss-ant sonofabitch…” The sergeant’s partner looked at him and said, “Easy Sarge. There are people watching this time. Don’t do anything stupid. Let’s just get in the car and go.” “God dammit! The sonofabitch won again.” “You know, Sarge, I don’t think it’s about winning and losing. I think we just need to leave that asshole alone.” And another exercise in futility in which I talked my way out of behind me.
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