Pain in the Ass – An Ode to Military Humor

If you have been ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ (if you’re wondering who the Joneses are, it has to do with an old TV show), you know that my last escape was about my family’s departure from Hawaii on our way to Tacoma enroute to North Dakota and the East Coast.  I was ultimately headed to the East Coast to Fort Lee, Virginia to attend the Logistics Executive Development Course.  The stops in Tacoma and North Dakota were to visit relatives.  That reminds me, I should probably tell you my theory of relatives sometime.  Not now, but sometime.  See, Einstein had his theory of relativity.  Well, my theory is kinda like that.  Only, my theory is about relatives.  Kinda neat, huh?  Oh yeah, the stop in North Dakota was also to retrieve my red Chevy van.  We (mostly my family’s luggage) experienced a really rough landing and to be brutally honest, my luggage was beaten to hell.  But enough about my luggage.  Well, after I settled all of the claims for my lost, damaged, and destroyed luggage with the airline and the Army, my family and I relaxed and enjoyed some vacation time with our relatives in Tacoma while also celebrating my son’s birthday.  After the birthday celebration and visits to all of our friends and relatives that would see us and visit with us, we decided it was time to head for North Dakota.  We got to North Dakota without any problems.  But there were a few hiccups.  For example,  my brother Jethro was supposed to show up to pick my family and I up at the airport.  Well, that didn’t happen.  Then, my brother Ron had to pick my family and I up and we stayed at his house for a couple of days.  While there we went to the county fair where I got trapped on the Zipper with my niece.  No.  I didn’t say that I got my junk trapped in a zipper.  Nothing happened to Mary that day.  After a few days we went to my parents’ house to pick up my red Chevy van so that we could travel to Minneapolis and on to Fort Lee, Virginia.  While there we went to see a Minnesota Twinkies (Twins) game and were outclassed by an eighty-year-old spinster during batting practice.  Finally, on the drive east toward Fort Lee, Virginia we experience a biblical flood and highway robbery.  Well, once we arrived at Fort Lee, Virginia, the first order of business was to sign in at the Logistics school to let everyone know that I was there and then to sign back out on leave.  Going out to find a place in the low rent district to stay while I attended the Logistics Executive Development Course.  Well, as time went on while we lived in that trailer park, our suspicions about the pickup driving, backwoods dwelling, varmint hunting, shotgun hauling trailer park manager proved to be spot on.  But as time went on, we learned to improvise, adapt and overcome in order to survive and live in that trailer park.  My daughter got very involved with extracurricular activities at her school that kept her very busy and my son was busy playing with his friends in the trailer park.  My son and his friends had adapted and overcome especially well, becoming some sneaky little bastards. Well, sometimes being very sneaky and conniving and devious has its advantages.  But other times, it can actually be a pain in the ass, literally.  Why, if you’re not careful, it can even bite you in the ass.  Oh hell yes.  And my son found out the hard way that it can bite you in the ass.  One afternoon, his friends and him decided to slide down the wood banister attached to some stairs.  Here’s the thing: sliding down the wood banister that has been exposed to weather is never a great idea.  In fact, it’s not even a good idea.  In fact, it’s a very bad idea.  And the longer that the wood banister has been exposed to the weather, the worse the idea gets.  Are you following me here?  Sliding down a nice highly polished banister that is inside a house and is protected from the elements can be quite fun.  But when you are attempting to slide down an old rickety wood banister that has been exposed to the elements and the weather and the sun and the wind, well, that’s just never a good idea.  But my son and his genius friends decided to do that anyway.  Now, here’s the thing.  My son’s friends were wearing pants.  However, my son thought it would be a good idea to wear shorts because it was a nice hot day.  Really?  Shorts?!?  To slide down a rickety old wooden banister?!?  Clearly, my son had not thought things through.  Well, his friends slid down the banister with no problems.  Or, At least, they only suffered a little wear and tear to their jeans.  However, when it came to my son’s turn to slide down the banister, he promptly drove two or three huge ass slivers (you may know them as splinters) straight into his butt cheek.  He literally had a pain in the ass almost immediately.  But he didn’t let out a yell outside because he didn’t want to alert the neighborhood to an accident and draw attention to himself and possibly his friends.  But when his leg started bleeding, his friends immediately knew that he was injured pretty severely.  As a result, they hauled ass for their houses.  My son hobbled to our house.  As soon as he got inside, he let out a scream like a wild banshee.  Between his screams of pain, we managed to figure out what was wrong.  Trouble with a (capital) T had struck again.  The Master of Disaster was in business again.  We had to rush into the hospital to get the splinters removed from his ass.  Quite literally, he had a pain in the ass that caused us another exercise in futility.

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