The rains had started at Fort Benning again, and raining usually generally always meant training. So, I figured that it wouldn’t be long before the company commander told us we would be going to the field. As it turned out, I was only half right. One morning, the company commander came out to address the company in the rain. He looked like a lost puppy dog standing up there in the rain in front of the company. He tried to tough it out without a rain jacket. Old rocks for brains just didn’t understand that it was pouring cats and dogs. He was soaking wet inside of five minutes. It was hilarious. Anyway, he said, “Men, we need to go to the orienteering range, and now is the perfect time to do it. Thus, I have asked the first sergeant and the platoon leaders to draw up a plan for movement to the orienteering range. Prepare for movement.” Then, the commander started running for the orderly room. Enroute to the orderly room, he tripped over a rock and fell face first into the mud. The whole company burst out laughing. When he got up, and the soldiers got a good look at his now muddy uniform, they burst out laughing again. It was a magnificent sight to behold. The smarter of us soldiers put on our wet weather gear prior to movement because orienteering meant walking through wooded areas. Walking through wooded areas generally meant getting good and soaking wet. No thank you. Just for good measure, a few of us even decided to pull our ponchos on over-the-top of our wet weather gear. Better safe than sorry I always say. When we arrived at the orienteering course, the instructor explained the object of the course and how the course was set up. We were all issued maps and compasses. We were divided into teams, and we were giving sheets of paper with various pieces of information such as grid coordinates, landmarks, and narrative information to assist us in navigating the course. We were told that the course covered a total distance of 3.6 miles. Then, we were told to move out. Most of the teams immediately headed out into the woods. I looked at my team and said, “Okay guys, I have a couple of ideas. Let’s go over there to the bleachers and get some soup and talk about it.” Since I don’t know of any soldier that would refuse hot food on a cold, rainy day, the other guys readily agreed with me. So, we went to the bleachers to get some soup and talk about it. We reviewed the information we had, and I exclaimed, “Look guys, I was reviewing this information and the map, and I think I have our route figured out.” One of the other guys, SP4 Weber, said, “What do you mean, you have it figured out?” I looked at Weber and replied, “Absolutely. Based on data points one, four, and seven. The rest of the information is nice to have information. But it won’t help us get from point A to point B or from point B to point C, which is right back here where we are standing.” Weber scoffed and said, “First of all, Einstein, you have your map upside down…” “Oh really, Mr. Mastermind? Which Way Is North?” “UH? Let me see?” Weber fumbled for a minute, and then he took out his compass. Finally, he pointed behind me and said, “I guess it’s that way.” “You guess it’s that way? Really?!? That way seems to be behind me. Tell me, Mr. Mastermind, which way is North on a map?” “UH? Let me see?” Next, Weber fumbled with his map for a minute, and then he said, “It’s at the top of the map.” “It’s at the top. Really? Where is the top on my map?” “It’s at the bottom.” “It’s at the bottom. I put it at the bottom for a reason. You must orient the map to the ground. My dad taught me that when I was a kid. One of the other guys, private Jenson, quipped, “Who was your dad, Daniel Boone?” “Yeah right. Come on guys. I’m your age. I’m not that damn old. Anyway, I used to go hunting with my dad. And he taught me some tricks so that I wouldn’t get lost out in the boonies. Now, you see data point number four on our sheet refers to this grid coordinate on the map. Look. What is at that grid coordinate?” Weber replied, “It looks like a church symbol.” “That’s cuz it is a church symbol. That’s the church up there by the Ranger Battalion. Now, look at this symbol. Data point number seven refers to this symbol. What’s this symbol for?” Jenson replied, “I see. According to the legend on the map, that’s a creek.” “Exactly. What creek do you think it is, based on where the church is?” Again, Jenson replied, “This one.” And he pointed at the map. “That is correct. Finally, all we must do is find our first position from this grid coordinate, which should be here. Then, we need to find our last position from this grid coordinate. And that should be here. Any questions?” All the other guys shook their heads no. “Okay. I figured out an easy way to head through the woods as well.” Weber asked, “What do you mean, you figured out an easy way through the woods?” “I’m glad you asked. Gather around.” I spread out my map. Then I said, “I circled the first point based on the grid coordinate. Then, I drew a line up to the church skipping data points number two and number three because they’re somewhere over here, and we aren’t going to bother with those. Now, private Ruiz asked, “What you mean we’re going to skip those?” “Check it out. They must be in between here and here. We already know these two points, and they’re in between those two points. The object isn’t to find those points, the object is to get from point A, to point B, and then to point C. Okay. Then, we need to go from the church to the creek and skip data points five and six. Again, we do not care about those in between the creek and the church. Then, from the creek, we just need to get back here. So, we don’t need to find points eight and nine somewhere over there. Can we all agree on that?” Everybody nodded in agreement. Again, Weber asked, “Masters, about this easy way, what is it? I still don’t see it.” I replied, “Okay, maybe your eyesight isn’t so good in the rain. And maybe you can’t hear so well in the woods. I understand that. I’ll make it simple for you. I have a picture. Look at the map. Look at the lines I drew on the map. I connected the dots to make it simple for you to follow along. Now, what do you see next to the lines that I drew on the map? Weber, that question was for you.” Weber looked at the map for a few minutes, and slowly the 10-watt bulb that was his brain slowly illuminated. And then he said, “Ah, now I get it. There’s a little trail that goes up to the church and then down to the creek. There’s another trail that goes from the creek back here to the bleachers.” “Exactly. I would rather walk on that trail down through the woods up to the church, then down to the creek, and then back here. That way, we don’t get caught in wait-a-minute vines, and we don’t walk into any mountains of ants. Does that sound like a plan?” Everybody said, “Yes. Absolutely.” “Outstanding in the rain! Let’s move out.” And we took off through the woods. We checked off each point as we came to it and wrote down our findings. And we finished the orienteering course in about an hour and a half. We were one of the first groups to finish. Everybody asked me afterwards, “How did you learn how to do all this?” I replied, “My dad taught me when I was young not to waste time walking through woods when I can walk on trails. He said it would be much easier to walk on trails, especially if I was toting big game with me. He would tell me that it was too hard to drag big game through the woods. He told me that the only time I needed to be in the woods was to hide.” Then one of the wise guys asked, “Who were you hiding from? The Indians?” “Yeah right. And I rode in a stagecoach. Our mail was delivered by the pony express, and we lived in log cabins with sod roofs.” As a result of our orienteering session in the bleachers, my team and I navigated another exercise in futility.
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