OPD Inflitration – An Ode to Military Humor

When I served as the Commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company in the 227th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, the company passed several major tests and milestones.  And the company picked up new missions without skipping a beat.  Oh, and I managed to get fired and rehired to my job as commander not once, not twice, but three times.  What was that?  You say I’ve only told you about two incidents where I got fired?  Well, I do believe you are correct.  That was a great catch.  But here is the thing.  That is because I only told you about two incidents so far.  But if you sit right back, I shall enlighten you about the third incident.  My unit had done some remarkable things under my command that had not been previously achieved.  My unit conducted the first ever repatriation of Korean War remains from North Korea.  My unit also conducted the first ever palletized delivery of rations forward in the combat zone.  We had done a proof of concept, and we had also tested the palletized delivery during actual field operations.  My unit had also provided water purification, transportation, and water pumping support in the aftermath of a typhoon that had ravaged the Peninsula of South Korea.  In addition to that, my unit also found the time to pass its unit ARTEP.  Oh, I almost forgot to mention that my unit was currently in the running for the Department of the Army Philip A. Connelly Award for Food Service Excellence.   My unit had already won the competition at the 19^th Support Command and the Eighth United States Army levels.  We had also picked up a new mission to support hot refuel for attack helicopters on the East Coast of South Korea.  Prior to picking up that new mission, we were already running two hot refuel sites, one at Camp Long in Wonju, and one at Camp Page in Chuncheon.  My guys weren’t exactly standing around with their hands in their pockets.  They were moving out.  They were kicking ass and taking names.  So why did my senior rater keep firing me?  That is a damn good question.  It could’ve been because he was jealous.  But why would a Colonel be jealous of a petty Captain?  That didn’t make any damn sense.  It could’ve been because he wasn’t getting any at home.  That was the most likely reason.  However, there was a third possibility.  And let me tell you.  That third possibility just might be the ultimate answer.  You may have heard of people described with this affliction before.  You know.  Their lights are on, but nobody’s home.  He is 10 bricks shy of a full load.  His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.  Take your pick.  Each expression basically says the same thing.  There are bats in his belfry.  The guy is Looney Tunes.  He is seriously out there.  You know.  In the twilight zone.  So, exactly what happened to get me fired a third time?  It was all petty bullshit.  My lieutenants and I were supposed to go to the 501^st Support Group headquarters early one Friday morning, along with all of the other officers in the support group to attend an Officer Professional Development (OPD) class.  The Group Commander specified that all of the officers from Yongsan would ride a bus up to Uijeongbu to attend the OPD.  The bus was scheduled to arrive at Yongsan to pick us up at 0700 hours on that Friday morning.  The bus was scheduled to arrive in front of the 227^th Maintenance Battalion headquarters.  It never showed.  My lieutenants and I waited until 0730 hours, but the bus still didn’t arrive.  At that point, I informed the Battalion Commander that I had made a command decision to drive up to the OPD and that my lieutenants and I would infiltrate the 501^st Support Group headquarters.  I called my executive officer into my office so that we could put together an operations order and a movement order.  The operations order and the movement order informed my lieutenants of my intention to infiltrate the 501^st Support Group headquarters using not more than three vehicles.  The vehicles were to move under radio silence and maintain a distance of at least one mile between each vehicle.  Each and every officer conducting the infiltration would carry a copy of the operations order and the movement order in the right breast pocket of their uniform blouse.  After arrival at the OPD, if asked by the Group Commander how that officer arrived at the OPD, each officer was instructed to read the following: ‘my commander ordered me to infiltrate your headquarters, Sir.’  Well, I thought my plan was foolproof.  And it was.  But it wasn’t idiot proof.  I had the foresight to ask my executive officer to make extra copies to hand out to all of the lieutenants from the northern detachment and from the Western corridor.  The Lieutenants from the Western Corridor were aware of my infiltration plan, but they had not attended my meeting and they didn’t have copies of the operations order and the movement order.  I wanted to ensure that all of my lieutenants had a copy of both documents and knew what to say if they were approached by the Group Commander.  Like I said, my plan wasn’t idiot proof.  The Group Commander approached Lieutenant Woodson because he thought Lieutenant Woodson was my weakest Lieutenant.  What he didn’t know was that Woody had a bad habit of going around impersonating me.  He did a damn good job of it.  But still.  In front of the Group Commander?!?  That was really gutsy and rather stupid.  I couldn’t get across the auditorium in time to stop Woody when I saw the group commander’s face start to change from pink to a bright shade of red.  Actually, it changed to multiple shades of red.  Cuz Woody was doing one helluva number chanting that line out of the orders, “My commander ordered me to infiltrate your headquarters, Sir.”  But the crowning touch was that he was using all of my mannerisms and gestures while saying it.  The Group Commander positively flipped out.  He screamed, “Where in the hell is Captain Masters?”  To which Woody replied, “Right behind you, Sir.”  I don’t even think that the Group Commander took a minute to think about where he was at.  He turned around in front of everybody and yelled at me, “You’re fired!”  I looked at him and said, “Yes Sir.  The third time’s’ the charm.  See ya.”  Then, I saluted and headed out.  He yelled after me, “Masters, where in the hell do you think you’re going?”  I replied, “You fired me.  I don’t work for you.  I’m out of here.”  And I started to walk out of the auditorium.  It looked like my Battalion Commander wasn’t going to be able to save me this time, mostly because he wasn’t at the OPD yet.  But something else was cooking that I didn’t even know about.  All I knew was that I had infiltrated my way into one helluva’n exercise in futility.

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