Olympics or Bust – An Ode to Military Humor – Springtime Folly

When I graduated from the Ordnance Officer Advanced Course at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland, my assignments branch in Washington, DC, called me to notify me that my assignment orders were being changed to assign me to the 19^th Support Command in Korea in support of the Olympics. They further informed me that I would have to depart immediately. They said that my request for command sponsorship had been approved, but that my request for concurrent travel had not been approved. Basically, they were telling me that I got half of what I asked for. That’s like walking into the shoe store and buying a pair of shoes, and the shoe salesman says, “I am terribly sorry, Sir. That pair of shoes you want is temporarily out of stock. I have ordered a pair for direct shipment to your house.” And when you get that pair of shoes, there’s only one shoe in the box. Well, you sort of got what you wanted. You got the shoes you wanted, or rather the shoe you wanted. You just didn’t get both shoes. Or it’s like walking onto a used car lot and buying a used car only to find out that your used car doesn’t come with an engine. Well, you got what you wanted. You got a car, but you just can’t go anywhere in your car. You still need transportation. My situation wasn’t quite as bad as the shoe situation or the car situation. I had originally asked for command sponsorship and concurrent travel. What that meant was that I wanted the Army command in Korea to support my family being in Korea with me, and I wanted the Army to allow my family to travel with me to Korea. As it was, the Army granted my request to allow my family to be in Korea with me on their dime, but they would have to travel at a later date when housing became available in Korea. The Army said it was urgent that I get to Korea as soon as possible due to the nature of my assignment. What a crock a shit. When I got to Korea, I was assigned to the 19^th Support Command, all right. No doubt about it. But my assignment didn’t have a goddamn thing to do with the Olympics. Not one damn thing. Nope. Nada. In fact, the people at the 19^th Support Command didn’t even know I was coming. When I arrived at the turtle farm, the personnel folks processed me in and out in less than a half-day. I was impressed. That was a helluva lot faster than the last time I had been in Korea. The folks at the turtle farm also let me know that they didn’t like their shop to be called the turtle farm anymore. Well, excuse me! They had gotten all high-class and snooty since the last time I had processed through there. Now they wanted to be called the Camp Coiner replacement center or some shit like that. That wasn’t their official name, although I’m sure they had one, an official name, I mean. But both of those names were too long and too hard to remember. But who could forget the turtle farm? That was pretty easy to remember. To me, they would always be known as the turtle farm. Anyway, they gave me train tickets for Taegu and told me to catch a shuttle bus from the train station to Camp Henry. That was easy enough to remember. A three-hour train ride later and I was in Taegu. Another half hour after that, I was at Camp Henry. The only problem was that everything was shut down and locked up tight for the day. Like I said, nobody even knew I was coming. What in the hell was up with that? Camp Henry was a really small base, so I was able to walk around the perimeter of the base in about 25 or 30 minutes. I located the main command building almost immediately. Then, I set out to identify other strategic points of interest on the compound. I located the gym and filed that away for future reference. Then, I located the Korean snack bar. That would also be vitally important at a later date. You never knew when you were going to have duty overnight and get the munchies. That’s when the Korean snack bar would come in really handy. They sold all sorts of tasty treats such as Yaki Man Du, burritos, tuna fish sandwiches, and other delights. As I was finishing my circuit of the compound, I ran into a Sergeant Major. That Sergeant Major was the first physical form of life that I had seen since I had arrived. I asked him where in the hell everybody was? He informed me that everybody had ceased operations for the day at 4:30 PM or 1630 hours. I asked him how I was supposed to sign into the unit. It was his turn to be surprised. Apparently he wasn’t the Command Sergeant Major for the 19^th Support Command. Cuz he mentioned another Command Sergeant Major’s name and said that the other guy hadn’t informed him that anybody was arriving today. Surprise. Surprise. I’m here. I asked, “So, what is this super special assignment related to the Olympics that I was rushed over here for?” Now, he was even more surprised. His eyes got as big as saucers, and he said, “What special Olympics assignment? I ain’t heard shit about anything connected to the Olympics. Not unless you want tickets to go to an Olympics event.” “Are you serious? You gotta be shitting me. Please tell me you’re joking.” “I kid you not, Sir. We don’t have shit to do with the Olympics.” “Well, what is your job here?” “I’m the Sergeant Major assigned to the Chief of Staff.” “Oh. So, you and this other guy are buddies?” “Well, something like that, Sir. You’ll learn. That Sergeant Major either likes you or he don’t. I’m one of the ones that he doesn’t like so much.” “Got it. I’ve met some sons of bitches like that in my time.” “You know Sir, you don’t strike me as one of these typical captains that just stepped off the boat.” “Well, Sergeant Major, do you know if that little snack bar over there sells Kimchi with its Yaki Man Du?” “Kimchi? I’m sure they do. Why do you ask?” “Let’s go over there and grab something to eat, my treat, and I will tell you all about it.” As a result, the Sergeant Major and I ate and talked about the good old times that we hadn’t been having while attempting to avoid exercises in futility.

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