More Signs of the End – An Ode to Military Humor

If you have read some of my most recent posts, you know that I have been writing about my exploits and experiences after arriving at Fort Huachuca, Arizona, and being assigned to the Joint Interoperability Test Center (JITC) at Fort Huachuca.  My most recent post was about an ill-fated camping trip to Riggs Flat Lake located along the top of the Pinaleno Mountains near Safford, Arizona.  No.  The camping trip was not ill-fated for me or my family, but was a major pain in the ass. Now a while back (no not that far back in time), I talked about when your body begins to warn you that old age is starting to creep in and you are no longer going to be able to maintain your athletic youth and keep up with the teenagers.  Sad but true.  Well, just about every time I ran, my knees and my lower back cried.  They cried unmercifully.  They cried until my hair turned gray.  But, of course, when you look like a smaller version of Arnie (you know which Arnie cuz there is only one Arnie), doctors just do not take you seriously when you show up in their office to bitch and complain.  That was the story of my life.  They would take one look at me and tell me to turn around and get the hell out of their office.  Obviously, there could be nothing wrong with me.  But alas, there was something wrong with me.  I just didn’t know what at the time.  Cuz when you are in your mid-30’s and run faster than the teenagers, for miles at a time nonstop and lift hundreds of pounds a gazillion times, there cannot possibly be anything wrong with you.  Oh hell no.  But one day, I was in luck when I went over to the medical clinic.  I was checked in to see a new female medical doctor that had just been assigned to the clinic.  The new doctor actually seemed concerned.  I don’t know if she really was concerned?  But she actually seemed concerned.  You know.  Sort of like one of those people in a suspense thriller that winds up being the killer who pretends to act like your friend.  I don’t know if she was playing that angle.  Nah.  Probably not.  She didn’t have those cold-blooded eyes with the dead blank stare of a psycho.  Nope.  Her eyes were warm and soft.  Of course, that eye thing could’ve all been pure bullshit.  What do I know?  Anyway, she ordered x-rays of my back and my knees and a follow-up appointment to discuss those x-rays.  I returned a week later to hear the news.  She said that the x-rays of my knees suggested that there was old ligament damage to the right knee.  Surprise, surprise!  I knew that.  That happened a few years back while playing football.  I had been in my Ordinance Officer Advanced Course and we were playing the Transportation school in the Logistics Bowl.  I didn’t see a doctor for that injury until three days later because the Colonel in charge thought I wasn’t injured.  He thought I was faking.  He got reprimanded by the General after I showed up in class in a full-leg cast.  But the damage had already been done as they say.  Who says that?  I don’t know?  ‘As they say’ is just an expression that people say so I said it.  She (that female doctor) also said that the back x-ray indicated that there was arthritis and possibly underlying vertebral damage.  She referred me to an orthopedic doctor.  I asked her where I would have to go to see this mythical orthopedic doctor?  She said, “Oh, you don’t have to go anywhere.  The orthopedic doctor is due to be assigned here next month.  I have referred you to him as one of his first patients.  He is being assigned to the hospital here from the hospital at Fort Bliss, Texas.”  Long story short, she put me on a run only for PT tests profile and no weightlifting until after i saw the orthopedic doctor.  Like I was going to follow that profile.  Do you know what happens to a weightlifter or a runner who doesn’t work out for an entire month?  Yeah.  They start to turn into jelly donuts.  No.  I didn’t say that they turn into jelly donuts.  I said that they start to turn into jelly donuts.  That’s bad.  OOH!  That’s very bad.  Can’t let that happen.  But you also can’t let anybody see you violating that profile.  Thus, you have to run way out in the back woods and only when it’s close to dark or after dark.  Warning: you may encounter strange critters in the night out in the back woods such as Croc-a-gators or Alli-snakes.  Those are some mighty vicious animals.  Forget about the Coyote dogs or the Mountain Lions.  You ain’t a little kid, so they probably ain’t going to chase you.  Maybe.  Hopefully.  I don’t know.  Come to think of it, you better watch out for them too.  And it ain’t a bad idea to carry a weapon and a flashlight.  What kind of weapon?  A lethal weapon.  One that packs a helluva kaboom.  And one that puts big ass holes in your targets.  That kind of weapon.  Okay.  I had the running thing covered.  Lifting weights was going to be more of a challenge.  I had weights at home.  But nowhere to set them up.  Then I remembered my neighbor Kitty corner across the cul-de-sac with the Harley-Davidson.  He had weights.  Perhaps he needed a spotter.  Yeah.  That’s it.  He needed a spotter.  I just had to convince him that he needed a spotter.  Well, that worked and I was in business.  Soon, in practically no time at all, I was seeing the orthopedic doctor with my x-rays in hand.  We had a very long talk and then he poked and he prodded and he managed to find all of the places that my knees hurt.  Then, he surprised the shit out of me.  He said, “I am going to send you on an all-expense paid trip to the hospital at Fort Bliss, Texas to get MRIs of your knees and your back.  How do you want to go?  Do you want to fly or do you want to drive?”  I replied, “I would like to drive if it’s all the same to you.”  “It doesn’t matter to me because the Army is paying the bill.  I will get the TDy orders generated.”  The trip to Fort Bliss, Texas is another story.  This story is a continuation of the beginning of the end.  This story is really about more signs of the end.  No.  Not the end of life.  Just the end of athletic prowess and the vigor and zest we all possess in our prime.  This story is about the aches and pains that we all experience along our bumpy road of life as one big exercise in futility.

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