I loved my red Chevy van. It had a lot of personal significance to me, but the significance about that van with respect to my military career was not insignificant. Specifically, that van moved my family and me completely around the United States. It moved me from Colorado to Arizona, from Arizona to Georgia, from Georgia to Maryland, from Maryland to Washington state, from Washington state to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas via North Dakota, and various trips to national parks in between. While I was stationed in Washington state, that van also moved me back to Maryland on a solo trip for eight months. That van also took me from Washington state down to California and back twice. To say I got around in that van would be an understatement. When I was on the road with my family, we didn’t stop for much. As a matter of fact, we only stopped to sleep. Well, that’s not entirely true. We also had to stop for gas because the van did use gas. It did not run on air, after all. It would have been nice if it had run on air. The last time I checked, air was pretty cheap. Free. I think. We tried to stop at big truck stops where we could take care of at least one meal and use the restrooms when possible. But other than gas stops, we didn’t stop for anything. We ate sandwiches that my wife made on the road. We carried our own beverages in coolers. And yes, we even had our own portable bathroom on board for my family to use between gas stops. Visualize in your mind, if you can, the following picture. The driver of the van is clad in a gray (train) engineer hat with blue and white pin stripes, a red or blue bandanna tied around his neck, a red pullover polo shirt, blue jeans, and sunglasses. Out on the interstate highway that driver is on the CB (citizens band) radio communicating with the truckers in the big rigs, music blaring away on the stereo, all while that van is riding ‘rocking chair’ in a convoy of trucks. By the way, that driver was me in case you haven’t guessed it by now. Riding ‘rocking chair’ in trucker talk or CB talk means riding in the middle of a convoy of trucks when there’s a line of three or more trucks. Sometimes, the term ‘rocking chair’ is interchanged with the term ‘easy chair’. I have personally never heard that term, ‘easy chair’. But supposedly it does exist as trucker jargon. Why have I told you all of this? Well, when I was out on the road, I usually ran with the truckers. Truckers and convoys offered security. No. Not that kind of security. I wasn’t worried about being attacked by thieves and hoodlums (highwaymen). They offered security from the donut patrol. See, there’s an unwritten code among truck drivers. The lead truck and the trail truck in the convoy have very specific roles with respect to monitoring the lay of the land. Specifically, they’re keeping a lookout for marked and unmarked hazards (hazards equal Smokeys). If you don’t know what a Smokey is, perhaps you should Google it. Smokeys may be advertising or not. They may be taking pictures, and they may be taking pictures from the bushes. There may even be a Smokey in the Bush (a speed trap). Sometimes, I couldn’t run with a convoy because there wasn’t a convoy to run with. I always used products like Rain-X on my Windows and windshield to repel water. Rain-X caused rain to bead up and run off the windshield without having to use the windshield wipers or with minimal windshield wiper use even in the hardest downpours. I especially liked Rain-X because sometimes it would rain so hard that pools of water would form on the roadway. When a passing vehicle in another Lane hit those pools of water, the resulting splash would dump torrents of water onto the windshield of my car causing momentary blindness prior to using Rain-X. After treating the vehicle’s windshield with Rain-X, those sheets of water that were dumped onto my windshield would just run right off without causing the momentary blindness. However, a word of caution here. The donut patrol may misunderstand your intent when you are driving down the road without your windshield wipers on in a steady downpour. I was driving down the road on Interstate 90 headed east through Wisconsin without the benefit of a convoy to provide security. I had my headlights on, and my windshield wipers off. Rain was coming down hard and fast. I saw the donut patrol parked in the median and didn’t pay him much attention because I was driving the speed limit. But I didn’t have my windshield wipers on either. I didn’t know there was a law against not having your windshield wipers on. Primarily because there wasn’t a law against not having your windshield wipers on in the rain. As soon as I went by the Smokey in the Bush, I saw the donut muncher pullout. A few minutes later I saw the disco lights of the slot machine following me light up like a Christmas tree. I pulled over and waited for the donut muncher to approach. The patrolman walked up and asked to see my driver’s license and registration. As I handed over my documents, I asked, “What seems to be the problem officer? I don’t think I’m overweight. I’m not carrying any excess donuts with me. In fact, I don’t have any donuts on board. And I know I wasn’t speeding.” The officer replied, “That may be true but there is the matter of your windshield wipers.” “My windshield wipers? What about my Winchell wipers?” “Well, it’s raining.” “No shit! You must not have had your fix of donuts today. Any idiot can see that it’s raining. I know that it’s raining.” “Yes, but you didn’t have your windshield wipers on.” “Is there a law against that?” “Well…” “I’ll answer that for you. The answer is no.” I reached down beside my seat and picked up a bottle of Rain-X, then I said, “I use this stuff on my windshield. It works better than windshield wipers. You ought to try it sometime.” “Let me see that.” So, I handed him the bottle of Rain-X and said, “Be careful now. You can’t drink that officer. It’s not liquid donuts. It’s only for topical use on windshield glass. But it works great.” The officer replied, “Look sonny, I’m not a total idiot. I know I can’t drink it. I’ve never heard of this before, though. You say this works pretty good, huh?” “I’m telling you, officer, that stuff is better than the glazed donuts you eat.” “I don’t like glazed donuts. I like the ones with the chocolate frosting that have the jelly inside.” “I’m sorry. My mistake. I don’t have any of that kind of donuts either. But if it helps, you can take that bottle of Rain-X with you to treat your windshield. Just remember, it’s not liquid donuts. You can’t drink the stuff. If this were a dry day, you would squirt that stuff on your windshield and then rub it off with a dry terry cloth. Since it is already raining, you need to get out of the rain to a dry place to apply this stuff. There is enough left in that bottle to treat all of the windows on your squad car, including your mirrors. You want to give each window two coats of the stuff.” “And this stuff lets you drive without your windshield wipers on?” “Yes sir. The water just beads right up and runs right off.” “All right then. I’ll let you go with a warning. Take it easy and don’t get into any accidents.” “Thanks, officer. And don’t eat too many donuts.” As soon as I was on the road again, I heard some CB traffic. The chatter went something like this: “Breaker 19, I’m looking for that red eastbound Detroit vibrator. Do you have your years on? Come back.” “Yeah, 10-4 good neighbor. This here is Durango coming back to you.” “I noticed that you got bit by a bear. Is that a 10-4 come back?” “Negatory, good neighbor. I just hit the jackpot with that bubblegum machine, but he was just protecting and serving. I didn’t have to feed the bear.” “Yeah, 10-4. It sounds like you avoided the paper hanger for sure. Keep it between the ditches, good neighbor.” “Yeah, 10-4. We gone, bye.” Once again, the donut patrol had taken me on an exercise in futility, but this time, liquid donuts had saved my ass.
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