If you have been reading some of my recent posts, you are probably aware that I have been talking about some of my exploits and experiences after being assigned to the Joint Interoperability Test Center (JITC) at Fort Huachuca, Arizona. I expect that series of posts to last for quite a while. However, today I am going to talk about something out of sequence because it is on my mind. I like to talk about topics when they are on my mind. Why? Cuz if I wait until later, I tend to forget those ideas and thoughts. Hey, what can I say? Shit happens, especially when you get older. Shit also happens when you get stressed. Now, I’m not saying that I am older, or that I am stressed. I am just saying that shit happens. That’s the way it is. Today I am going to talk about light beer. I suppose I could talk about dark beer but that didn’t occur to me. Plus, it isn’t dark outside right now so I don’t think it would be appropriate to talk about dark beer unless I put on sunglasses. But then I would be creating artificial darkness. Let me think about that for a minute. Would that be correct? Could I create artificial darkness simply by putting on dark sunglasses? Well, I guess so. But then, would that make beer dark? Well, I guess if I look at the beer with dark sunglasses. It would look darker. Hmmm… I am not sure that’s how it works. Google defines dark beer as richer, more filling beer options in comparison to light beers. Okay. That’s just dandy. So what are light beers? Google defines light beers as more thirst quenching beers. Well that’s just swell. That cleared things right up. However, Google also defines light beer as beer with reduced alcohol content or reduced calorie content. So my question is how does that make it more thirst quenching? Does anybody have an explanation for that? Well, I think I do. See it’s like this. Cuz it has less calories or less alcohol or both, you can drink a whole lot more. Since you can drink a whole lot more, the beer quenches your thirst. Sounds reasonable to me. At the end of the day, you’re probably still going to be just as drunk as if you drank regular beer. Hmmm… Now here is something to consider. When you drink light beer, does it feel lighter than regular beer? For example: if you pour equal quantities of a light beer and a regular beer into separate glasses, which one will weigh more? Will the regular beer weigh more than the light beer? Or will both beers weigh the same? You can try that experiment at home and derive your own answers. My guess is that they probably both weigh the same. Okay. If they both weigh the same. Then what’s the point? Perhaps when you pour a light beer, a light turns on. Does a light turn on when you pour a light beer? That’s another experiment that you can try at home. Again? I suspect that there is no light. But here is the big deal: I saw this commercial where the announcer is introducing a brand-new “light” flavor of a popular brand of beer. While the announcer is pouring a glass of that new “light” beer, the announcer says, “Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it.” Then introduces the light beer as if the audience is beholding a new wonder of the modern world. What is so special about this light beer? I don’t see any flashing lights when the beer is poured. The announcer hasn’t demonstrated that the new “light” beer somehow weighs less than a conventional glass of beer. Why is this important? Good question. Well, suppose that you’re five or six beers in and you are slightly inebriated. For those of you that don’t know what that word means, it means that you are under the influence of alcohol. That’s right. You are drunk! Not falling down, stupid drunk, just drunk. Okay. But when you get drunk, your motor control is slightly affected. What in the hell does that mean you ask? Well? It simply means this; it means that you may lose your balance from time to time. If you lose your balance while you are holding your beer, you may spill some. Now if there’s a big mean gorilla-looking dude next to you and you spill the beer on him, he just may beat your ass to a bloody pulp. Quick, somebody, call 911. On the other hand, if there is a drop-dead gorgeous babe standing next to you and you spill the beer on her, she just may slap the shit out of your face. Ouch! If there is nobody around when you spill the beer, that is just plain and simple alcohol abuse. Thus, if light beer weighs less, perhaps you won’t lose your balance when you are slightly drunk and you won’t spill your beer. Of course, this is all pure speculation. Cuz I have absolutely no scientific knowledge of beer at all. However, I do know that some light beers taste pretty damn good. Case in point: Miller light. But I also know that there are liquor and grocery store shelves full of light beers that taste like shit. So, back to our original definitions. Do you need sunglasses to see dark beer? Probably not. Is dark beer more filling? I’ll let you, the readers, be the judge of that. By the way, if you prefer light beer, don’t get your panties all in a bunch trying to figure out if one beer weighs less than another beer or if a light turns on when you pour that light beer. Finally, drink your light beer while steering clear of exercises in futility such as drinking and driving.
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