After I had been reassigned to the 227th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, to take command of the 305th Supply and Services Company, I was subsequently briefly relieved from command only to be reinstated almost immediately. With how things shook out, I believed that my senior rater would go berserk sometimes. After I came to terms with my senior rater’s quirks, life as the commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company became somewhat normal. I dealt with the usual duties of a company commander as well as the occasional problem children that required a little extra attention. Two such problem children, Private Simmons and Private Johnson, from my northern Detachment who had decided to dispatch a deuce and a half without authorization. From what I could discern of the case, their alleged charges were misappropriation of a government vehicle, destruction of a government vehicle, unlawful use of a government vehicle, conduct unbecoming, failure to repair, and disobeying a lawful order. Additionally, monetary charges might also be involved once we received the impounded deuce and a half back from the MPs (military police). As it turned out, the only damage sustained by the deuce and a half was some scratches to the paint that would require a paint job to the front bumper assembly. Unfortunately, the Korean taxi that my soldiers collided with was not quite so fortunate. That taxi was destroyed. Well, what could you expect when you plow into an oversized aluminum beer can with solid steel moving at speed. The front bumper of a deuce and a half basically works like a cow-catcher attached to the front of a locomotive on a freight train. When that freight train comes barreling down the track under a full head of steam, the cowcatcher essentially throws obstacles off of the track and out of the way of the train. In the case of a car blocking the tracks, the cowcatcher will essentially throw that car out of the way eventually as well. However, it doesn’t do so until it has completely smashed the living shit out of that car. I am quite sure that you have seen more than one popular movie where a car has been trapped on the train tracks only to be obliterated by a freight train barreling down the tracks, unable to stop. And if there are people inside, one can only hope that they are on good terms with St. Peter and the other folks in heaven. My point here: that is basically what that deuce and a half did to that taxi. It smashed the living shit out of the taxi. Of course, the United States Army under the auspices of the United States government ended up replacing that taxi with a new one. The United States Army also paid for the taxi driver’s medical bills and loss of income during the time he couldn’t work. What puzzled me about the case was why Private Simmons and Private Johnson wore only fatigue blouses to pretend that they were wearing uniforms. Everyone knows that you have to be in military uniform in order to properly dispatch and operate a military vehicle. Certainly, they knew that. Wearing just a fatigue blouse with civilian shorts and sneakers is sort of like wearing a tee-shirt and Bermuda shorts to your wedding. You might think it’s funny. But I guaran-goddamn-tee you, nobody else will. Especially if your bride shows up in a formal wedding dress. She might just ditch you at the altar. Now, maybe that’s okay if you weren’t real keen on the idea of getting married in the first place. But suppose that you are marrying into a very well-to-do family. Let’s further suppose that you are going to work in a cushy job at your father-in-law’s business after the honeymoon, and you are pretty much set for life. Well, you can kiss that shit goodbye. You just screwed it all to hell. All because you decided you wanted to look cool instead of suave and debonair. Oops. That plan backfired. That shit went to hell in a hand-basket the minute you showed up in the tee-shirt and Bermuda shorts, sort of like Private Simmons’ and Private Johnson’s plan went up in flames the minute they wrecked the Korean taxi cab. Oh, they would’ve still been up shit Creek in a leaky canoe with no paddle because they misappropriated the deuce and a half, unlawfully used a government vehicle, still exhibited conduct unbecoming, still failed to repair, and still disobeyed a lawful order. However, if they had not been in the accident, their charges wouldn’t seem all that bad in the grand scheme of things. They would be just two not so bright teenagers trying to pick up a set of drums that they had purchased. I understood their dilemma. However, they had cost the Army one helluva lot of money. The Army is kind of funny that way. They don’t like it very much when they have to reach into their pocket and pay out money to civilians or foreign nationals because one or some of their soldiers screwed up. Oh hell no. They absolutely hate that shit. When they have to shell out money, there is going to be hell to pay. So, when I went to prefer charges against my two soldiers, my Battalion Commander withheld jurisdiction. When I called Private Simmons and Private Johnson in for counseling prior to sending them up to see the Battalion Commander, I warned them to be prepared for the worst. I told them to expect field grade Article 15’s under the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ), and I told them to expect the maximum punishment possible. As it turned out, I had read the situation correctly. My Battalion Commander had withheld jurisdiction so that he could lower the boom on those two soldiers. He made an example out of them. He gave them the maximum possible punishment for the field grade Article 15’s. My soldiers realized that they had stepped into a big pile of shit that turned into a vicious exercise in futility because of their screwup.
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