My recent adventures have been about the vacation that my family and I took to the island of Guam immediately after I had relinquished my position as the Commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company. My family and I decided to spend some time cooling our jets while catching up on some much needed rest and relaxation on the island of Guam. Of course, you may already know that. You may even know how we traveled to Guam using the low-budget method of transportation known as Space-A (space available) transportation. Naturally, it had its own little quirks that we had to deal with such as not being able to catch a direct flight to Guam. Then, there was the minor little issue with the cargo plane seats on the flight from hell. Or how about our temperamental car rental that seemed to decide when and where it needed to take a break. Or about the wild pigs and the coconut crabs, and our fruit picking exercises. Most recently, I talked about a couple of our tourist trips around the island. I still have one or two more tourist trips to discuss but I will talk about those in another story. And I also want to talk about a trip we took to one beach where we thought we were going to have to do some serious snorkel diving to see some fish and some coral and things like that. But as it turned out, we barely had to go into the water and stick our heads down under the water with our goggles on. What we saw, well, that is also another story. Today, I want to discuss island luaus or traditional island picnics. If you recall, I mentioned in several of my Guam stories that I had traveled to Guam with my family and my First Sergeant from the 305th Supply and Services Company. My First Sergeant was from Guam, and he was related to about half of the people living on the island. Of course, I realize that may be a slight exaggeration. But it sure seemed like he was related to half of the people living on the island. Cuz just about everybody he introduced me to was a relative of his. Here is another interesting tidbit. I never paid for any food the whole time I was in Guam. My family and I kept getting invited to these huge island luaus at various different houses. The very first one that we were invited to was at my first sergeant’s brother’s house. It seemed like every dish that was served had some combination of coconut and fruits or at least coconut as an ingredient. All of the food that they served was very rich and it was very delicious. However, we could not eat very much because it was so rich. And it seemed like roast wild pig was served at each party. Normally, you would expect a lot of alcohol consumption at a party like this. Along with all of that alcohol consumption, you would expect the commensurate amount of trash talking. Because that’s what happens when the alcohol starts doing the talking. You know, guys start talking about kicking other guys asses and shit like that. It’s bound to happen. Just the slightest little thing is said one way or the other and it’s misconstrued and taken out of context. Suddenly, Johnny Inebriated gets offended and says, “I’m going to kick your ass, ” to George Drunk-off-of-his-ass. George (being a little bit bigger and a little bit meaner than Johnny and not quite as drunk) retorts, “Yeah, you and what Army? About the only thing you can kick is that clump of shit right there in front of your shoe. More than likely, you’ll stumble while trying to kick that clump of shit and step in it. If you’re lucky, it will be hard. But you just ain’t lucky. That shit will be soft and gooey. That’s right. That shit will get all over your goddamn shoe. Sure. You’ll try to rub it off. But you ain’t going to have no goddamn kind of luck. No sirree. That shit will be like glue stuck to your shoe. Now, when you get home tonight and walk in the house and greet your wife. The first thing she’s going to say is, “God dammit Johnny, you smell like shit. What the hell? Did you shit your pants again? It is getting so that I cannot let you go out in public without putting a goddamn Depends diaper on your ass. And all that is going to happen because you started to kick my ass. Think about it.” Well, that’s the kinda shit you would normally expect to find at a party like that. But the luaus that we attended were simply fun family food fests where everybody gathered together to eat and have a good time. And my family and I joined in and had a good time with them, and we experienced no exercises in futility during any of the luaus that we attended.
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