He Looked Pretty – An Ode to Military Humor

My time serving as the Commander of the 305^th Supply and Services Company in the 227^th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, had just about run its course.  I was about to perform my final act as the Commander.  I was about to pass the guidon to a new greenhorn that had been selected by the Battalion Commander and the Group Commander to take my place.  I had not yet met the greenhorn, so I had no impressions about the guy.  If you recall, I mentioned that I wasn’t going to stand up on a stage and impersonate a big ass bird and perform a “Swan Song.”  Oh hell no.  However, the Battalion Commander finally introduced me to the ‘perfect candidate’ (as he called him) to replace me.  The guy was a young physically fit Quartermaster Captain.  The only strikes against him that I could see were that he was a ‘quarter-beggar’ and that he thought he looked pretty.  What was that?  What does “he looked pretty” mean?  When you describe a pretty lady, everybody knows exactly what you mean.  However, when you use that adjective, pretty, to describe a man, it becomes rather hard to describe.  But he was pretty.  If his facial features looked a little more chiseled and firmer and weathered, he would have looked handsome.  But his facial features were too soft and smooth without the faint outline or shadow of whiskers.  Like I said, he looked pretty.  He looked like somebody who spent too many hours combing his hair and putting lotions and powders on his face.  Do you see why I said that was a strike?  That was a red flag to me.  Other than that, he seemed to be okay.  But when the Battalion Commander asked me to throw a company party on his dime and invite him and his staff and the new company commander candidate to the party, I was very happy to hear and oblige.  Of course, my soldiers would also be very happy because there was going to be a party.  They didn’t much give a damn who paid for it, as long as it wasn’t them.  They were just happy that there was going to be another party.  Naturally, as soon as I made the announcement about the party, I started getting a flood of requests for my wife’s famous cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip cookies.  It seemed as if no party would be complete without those party fares.  I called my senior staff together and asked them to pull the party together.  On the day of the appointed party, we held a recall formation at 1400 hours to release all the soldiers to the party.  I instructed one of the NCOs to provide a plate with a cinnamon roll and some cookies for the Charge of Quarters (CQ) since the CQ would not be able to attend the party.  I was just about to head over to the Class II/IV supply warehouse area where the party was being held when I heard my name being called.  I turned to see that the CQ runner was approaching me.  The CQ runner said, “Sir, you have a telephone call in your office.”  I replied, “Well, did you get the guy’s name?”  “Uh…  Yes Sir.  I can’t remember it, Sir.  But I did write it down and it’s on your desk.  The guy was a Captain.  That’s all I can remember.”  “Thank you, Private Jones.  You better run down there to the party and grab some cookies and a cinnamon roll before they’re all gone.”  “Yes Sir.  Thank you Sir.”  I walked up to the orderly room to answer my phone.  It turned out to be the new company commander candidate.  He informed me that he would be late arriving at the party.  His excuse was that he had to take care of something first.  I said okay, but I told him that all of his soon-to-be soldiers were waiting to meet him, and they were kind of expecting him to be here.  Then, I hung up the phone and walked down to the party.  A little while later, the Battalion Commander and his staff showed up for the party.  After the Battalion Commander mingled with everybody at the party for about five to ten minutes, he came over to find me.  Then he said, “I noticed that the new company commander candidate doesn’t seem to be here.  Is that true?”  I replied, “Yes Sir.  He called just as I was coming down here and said that he would be late.  He didn’t say how late.  He just said that he had to take care of something first.”  “Well, goddamn.  That is pure bullshit.  We threw this party in his honor.  And this is how he thanks us?  He decides to be late?  Do you have his phone number?”  “Yes Sir.”  “Let’s go into the supply warehouse office and call his ass.”  “Well, Sir, when I said I had his number, I meant that I had his number in my office in the orderly room.”  “Oh.  Well okay.  Let’s go up to your orderly room, then.  I’ll be good and pissed by then.”  So, we walked up to the orderly room and called the new company commander candidate.  The Battalion Commander was practically screaming into the phone at him.  After he hung up the phone, we walked back to the party.  Finally, at about 1530 hours, the new company commander candidate came running into the company area wearing only a pair of sneakers and Speedo racing shorts.  He was just a tad underdressed for the party, considering that there were many wives and enlisted female soldiers present.  However, I said nothing.  The Battalion Commander walked over to me and asked, “What in the hell is this shit?”  I replied, “Sir, exactly what shit is it that you are referring to?”  “God dammit, Masters.  You know exactly what I’m referring to.  I am referring to that abomination dressed in Speedo racing shorts preening and prancing around showing off his pretty little chest and his pretty little face.”  “Oh, that shit.  I hadn’t noticed, Sir.”  “That’s bullshit!”  “Well, Sir, you picked him, not me.  And if you recall, I did mention that he was a little too pretty.”  “Yeah.  Sonofabitch.  You did mention that.”  “Sir, I think you’re going to have to keep an eye on this one.  I think you just may have trouble with this one fraternizing with the enlisted females.  It’s just a hunch, but he is advertising right now.  I watched the behavior of enough wild male critters in the wild to know when they’re advertising, and he is advertising.”  As the party continued on, we watched the new company commander candidate mingle with the soldiers and the guests at the party.  And as we did, it became more apparent that perhaps my hunch just might be correct.  But it was still too early to tell, and we did have to give the new guy the benefit of the doubt.  Other than the fact that the new company commander candidate showed up to the party over an hour and a half late, and he made a rather dubious entrance when he did arrive, the party was a huge success with no other apparent exercises in futility.

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