I had been selected to command the 508th Maintenance Detachment at Fort Lewis, Washington. I took command on December 10, 1985. December 10, 1985 was an interesting date for several reasons. First, I took command, duh. Second, my wife was being sworn in that day as a naturalized citizen of the United States. Yay. Third, my wife and I also learned that she was pregnant with our second child. December 10 was truly a momentous date in my military career and in my life. After I took command, I reported to the 508th Maintenance Detachment to have a look around. The first thing that I learned upon arrival was that the name of my operations Sergeant was a Staff Sergeant that everyone called “Frenchy.” I thought to myself, “There is no way. What are the odds? It can’t be.” You’re probably asking yourself, what am I referring to? It’s simply this, I had a roommate in the barracks way back when I was a private at Fort Benning that everyone called Frenchy. Coincidence? Possibly. But what were the odds? So, I went looking for Staff Sergeant Frenchy. You know the old cliché; curiosity killed the cat. Yeah well, it wasn’t exactly killing me, but it was sure as hell bugging the shit out of me. Inquiring minds have to know. Then, somebody told me that Staff Sergeant Frenchy was actually the wife of the guy that everybody called Frenchy, so by extension everybody called her Frenchy too. And then I started thinking to myself, “Oh shit. Oh no. Oh hell no. This can’t be happening to me.” You see, there had been this incident in the barracks back when I was a private where Frenchy’s girlfriend came onto me while she was totally naked. To make matters worse, Frenchy had subsequently married her. Yeah. Talk about bad news. Real bad news. Now here she was. And she was my operations Sergeant. Holy shit. Total bummer. The next day, when I showed up, Staff Sergeant Frenchy was there. Except, Staff Sergeant Frenchy wasn’t who I thought she was. She was somebody totally different. The first words out of her mouth were, “Hey, Sir, I know exactly who you thought I was.” I replied, “Oh man, you just don’t know. I was having conniption fits. But you’re not who I thought you were. So, what in the hell happened?” “Oh, Frenchy will probably tell you himself later, but he got divorced in Germany and then married me.” “Oh, thank God. You just don’t know how relieved I am. Did Frenchy ever tell you about the stunt that his ex-wife pulled with me in the barracks at Fort Benning?” “Yeah. That was a trip, huh? That’s why I knew you thought I was her.” “On a different note. Could you and the first Sergeant come into my office?” When the operations Sergeant and the first Sergeant came into my office, I asked them to start sending me candidates that I could interview to be my driver. They asked me if I had any special criteria. I said that I only had one. The operations Sergeant asked, “Only one criteria Sir?” I replied, “Yes, that’s right.” “Please, enlighten us.” “Whomever I select has to be able to drive. Now let me qualify that. Just because somebody has a driver’s license does not mean they can drive. They might be able to drive during the day in clear, sunny weather. However, when it starts to rain or snow or if it’s dark, suddenly a whole lot of people can’t drive. I don’t want somebody like that. And we’re in perfect weather right now for me to test their driving skills. So, only send me candidates that can drive. Don’t waste my time.” I could tell that the first Sergeant and the operations Sergeant really tried to select a good candidate because it only took two before I found my driver. The first candidate almost worked out, but he couldn’t quite master driving in icy conditions. Thus, he just wouldn’t work. But the second candidate was perfect. He even came from somewhere up in the upper Midwest like Minnesota or Wisconsin. He knew how-to drive in ice and snow. He also knew how to drive in the dark. All I had to do was to teach him small things. For example, he had to refer to my CUC-V as the ‘Black Beauty.’ He didn’t understand at first until I explained how I was a fan of an old TV show from the 60s that Bruce Lee starred in. I also told him that I would call him Kato and that whenever I told him to go someplace he would acknowledge by saying, “Check boss.” It took me a few weeks to get him trained. But once he was up to speed, he was good to go. Did I mention that he could row a boat in an outstanding manner as well? Well, he could. But that’s another story. When I took command of the 508th Maintenance Detachment, that assignment culminated in a series of leadership roles that I had held that had proved to be more than mere exercises in futility.
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