Food Combat – An Ode to Military Humor

My blog today does not follow the normal flow of topics.  If you’ve been reading along, you know that the normal story flow has moved along in my journey to Fort Huachuca, Arizona.  My journey to Fort Huachuca, Arizona, would be my second, longer, and last journey to that area of the United States.  Yes, I still go down there every now and again because I have relatives in the area.  But I no longer have property holdings tying me to the area.  Anyway, as I was saying, the post today does not follow that normal flow.  In one of my previous posts, you may recall that I talked about stains.  You know.  Food stains.  Not the kind caused by food fights.  Cuz those are a different kind of stain.  You know.  Those kinds of stains are deliberately caused.  Well, I’m not here to beat a dead horse.  Why?  Well, that’s a good question.  Unless you are really, really frustrated, and your stress level is pegging on the stress-o-meter, you probably don’t want to beat a dead horse.  First of all, blood is not going to splatter when you beat the horse.  Cuz it’s already dead.  True, you might make a little mess, but not a big mess.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  Cuz horses are pretty big, so beating a dead horse is going to make a big mess regardless.  But you know what I mean.  Then, there’s the other issue to examine.  What kind of satisfaction are you going to get out of beating that dead horse?  Not very much, I would think.  Cuz a dead horse can’t kick back.  There is just no fun beating something when there is no risk involved to you.  Where is the adrenaline rush?  Yeah.  You see my point?  Anyway, I’m not going to beat any dead horses.  And I’m not going to talk about stains made because you did not wear a bib when you ate.  Yeah.  I’m not going to talk about food stains caused by your carelessness.  Plus, your foolish decision to wear white clothes to a barbecue eating contest.  Not going to do it.  There is another kind of stain that exists, however.  Those are the kinds of stains that are caused deliberately.  Yes.  You guessed it.  Stains that someone intentionally inflicted upon another person.  But why would someone deliberately stain the clothes of somebody else?  That is an excellent question.  Food fight.  Can anybody say food fight?  That’s right.  Can any of you ever remember being in a knock down drag out mess hall or cafeteria food fight?  It may have happened when you were at one of your Army units (or other military service unit), when you were a private.  It may have happened when you were attending college, or it may have happened when you were in high school or younger.  But somewhere in your past you may remember a food fight.  It may have started because some bully decided to either dump some food on someone, or that class bully threw some food at his favorite victim.  Most victims always had an avenger or hero to defend them.  As a result, that avenger or hero would launch a retaliatory strike.  Sometimes the retaliatory strike might hit the bully, but sometimes the retaliatory strike might miss and hit some innocent bystander.  Then, that innocent bystander would get pissed off and retaliate.  But nine chances out of ten, that innocent bystander would miss his or her intended victim and hit another innocent victim.  And thus, the food fight commences (just like all the movies).  Pretty soon, shit hits the fan.  Food is flying everywhere, and it doesn’t matter what kind of food it is.  And stains are deliberately being created on everybody’s clothes.  Okay.  That’s one scenario for a food fight.  But let me give you another scenario.  Probably one you never expected.  I certainly never expected it.  While attending the Logistics Executive Development Course at Fort Lee, Virginia, I was invited to attend a luncheon with a bunch of Colonels and Generals.  I was told to be quiet and pay attention to the speakers at the luncheon and ask questions if necessary.  Cuz this was supposed to be a formal event.  Well, that’s what it was supposed to be.  When I got there, it was quite apparent that I was in a room full of kids dressed as Colonels and Generals and not actual Colonels and Generals.  It was as if I had entered a twilight zone and I had been thrown back into a high school of sorts.  First, I noticed a few of the Generals mining their noses for gold.  Except, I don’t think that they were finding any gold.  I think that all they found were boogers.  Then, one senior General got the brilliant idea to put a pea on a spoon and shoot it at the Colonel across the table from him.  Pretty soon, all of the Colonels and Generals were shooting peas at each other.  When they ran out of peas and corn and chopped carrots, they switched their ammunition to mashed potatoes and gravy.  That’s when the food fight got really messy.  I thought, “Shit!  I’m getting the hell out of Dodge before my dress uniform gets screwed the hell up.  I hadn’t been hit yet and I intended to keep it that way.  So I quietly exited the building as fast as I could to avoid any deliberate food stains caused by that food fight.  As a result, I encountered no exercises in futility.

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