Flight from Hell – An Ode to Military Humor

I had finally relinquished my position as the Commander of the 305^th Supply and Services Company.  I had passed the guidon to the new company commander in a change of command ceremony, but I was not yet ready to assume my new role on the staff of the Eighth Army G4.  I needed to cool my jets for a few days and catch up on some much needed rest and relaxation.  My family also needed a break.  As luck would have it, my First Sergeant At 305^th Supply and Services Company was also planning to cool his jets and catch up on some rest and relaxation.  So, we set off on a vacation to the sunny island of Guam.  Just to clarify things, when I say we, I mean that my family and I and my First Sergeant all set off on this voyage adventure.  We decided to use the low-budget method of transportation to get to Guam, which meant that we were all going to catch a Space-A (space available) hop aboard an Air Force cargo plane out of Osan Air Force Base to fly to Guam.  Well, things didn’t go exactly as planned.  We didn’t exactly catch a hop from Osan Air Force Base, Korea, to Guam.  Oh hell no.  We weren’t that lucky.  We were like the dog named Lucky.  What’s that?  You don’t know about the dog named Lucky?  Oh, okay.  I’ll just refresh your memory.  You see, there was this dog that got lost, so his owner decided to put up a poster and hang it around town offering a reward for the return of his dog.  The poster read, “Lost dog.  Blind in one eye.  Has only three legs and walks with a limp.  Tail was clipped off accidentally by an axe.  Reward for return to owner.  Goes by the name Lucky.”  Do you get the idea?  That’s kind of how our luck was running.  The flight operations people at the MAC (Military Airlift Command) terminal at Osan on Air Force Base informed us that we couldn’t catch a hop to Anderson Air Force Base in Guam.  They said that we would have to catch a hop to Yokota Air Force Base, Japan, and then catch a hop to Anderson Air Force Base from there.  Okay.  A little more hassle and a little more time, but the cost was the same.  So it all washed out in the end.  We just had to wait around for what seemed like a very long time at Yokota Air Force Base, Japan, before we could catch a continuing hop to Anderson Air Force Base, Guam.  It wasn’t like time stood still or anything like that.  And it wasn’t like time dragged on and on and on.  Oh no.  I just had to look at more damn dishes than I ever wanted to see in my lifetime.  Cuz Japan is known for its fine china.  And of course the duty-free shop at Yokota Air Force Base had every brand of Japanese china ever manufactured.  And of course, my wife wanted to buy at least one set of every damn one of those brands of china.  But common sense prevailed.  Cuz I couldn’t afford that shit.  And besides, we couldn’t carry all that shit with us in our suitcases.  I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but the flight from Osan Air Force Base, Korea, to Yokota Air Force Base, Japan didn’t take much more than about an hour and a half or two hours.  But the flight from Yokota Air Force Base to Anderson Air Force Base, Guam was not nearly that short.  Oh hell no.  I cannot remember exactly how long it took, but it seemed like it took forever.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  When I was finally paged by flight operations at the MAC (Military Airlift Command) terminal at Yokota Air Force Base, Japan, I went over to sign up for my continuing hop to Anderson Air Force Base, Guam.  The flight operations personnel told me that the plane would be leaving in approximately one hour.  I went to gather up my family and our belongings.  We were going to be flying aboard a C141 cargo plane this time around.  I did not realize that we would be boarding the flight from hell.  What is the difference between a cargo plane and a passenger plane, you ask?  It’s an excellent question.  Cuz you see, there is a big distinction between the two.  The C141 passenger plane has nice comfortable seats kind of like a civilian airplane has.  However, a C141 cargo plane does not have those nice comfortable seats.  Cuz a cargo plane has been gutted so that it can haul cargo.  Go figure.  The only seats that it has are the canvas web side facing jump seats used by paratroopers.  Those seats are not exactly the most comfortable seats in the world.  Oh hell no.  And let me tell you something.  Those damn seats made that trip from Yokota to Anderson Air Force Base, Guam seem to take forever.  I know damn well, it didn’t.  But it sure seemed like it.  And the longer that plane flew with us sitting in those seats, the worst that flight from hell seemed to get.  Cuz those damn seats were really uncomfortable.  Oh, my kids didn’t seem to mind one damn bit.  They were having a helluva good time.  They were running and jumping around all over the cargo in the back of the plane.  And it got even worse after the cargo master gave them a couple of plastic paratroopers complete with little parachutes that they could throw up into the air and drop to the ground.  They had a blast playing with those toy paratroopers.  The only time they took a break was when they wanted something to eat or drink.  Meanwhile us poor uncomfortable adults had to grin and bear it as the plane chugged along toward the island of Guam.  And then we arrived at Anderson Air Force Base.  Our next order of business would be to line up a place to stay, but that is another story.  Other than the fact that we had to sit on paratrooper jump seats for the whole damn way from Yokota Air Force Base, Japan, to Anderson Air Force Base, Guam, we encountered no other significant exercises in futility during our second leg of the hop from Korea to Guam for our vacation.

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