It was one of those days. You’ve probably had many just like it yourself. You know the kind I’m talking about. What kind is that? It’s the kind where you forgot to set the alarm clock the night before, so naturally, you oversleep and you’re late for work. Except in this case, I wasn’t really late for work, I was late for my teaching internship gig. I was performing a teaching internship for degree completion in Tacoma, Washington, prior to reassignment. Luckily, I didn’t have to put on a military uniform. All I really had to do was pull on a pair of pants and a shirt and dash out the door. Well, I needed shoes and socks as well. We wouldn’t want to forget those, now would we. Of course not. And I couldn’t forget other assorted accessories such as my keys and my wallet. The wallet was really only important if the donut patrol happened to be in my vicinity and didn’t like the looks or the sound of my Fiat Spider 2000. Yeah, the same car I went to California to drive my sister-in-law back to Washington. That Fiat Spider 2000 also subsequently became mine and it was a proficient became a donut catcher. I had so many adventures with that Fiat Spider, and many escapades with the donut patrol. Suffice it to say that there was never a dull moment whenever I backed that car out of the driveway and headed down the road. I always had to keep my eyes open for the donut patrol and I always had to carry an extra batch of donuts as bait just in case I missed one and got caught in a trap. I mentioned earlier that the wallet was important if the donut patrol was in my vicinity and didn’t like the way my Fiat sounded when I went by. Well, I also needed it to pick up the donut bait. Cuz the last time I checked; donut shops don’t just give away free donuts. They wouldn’t stay in business very damn long if they did. You might be able to sweet-talk them into giving you one or two free donut hole samples. But a whole damn dozen donuts? Not very damn likely. Unless the most desperate girl (or guy) on the planet was working the counter and you promised to take her (him) on a date. But that would only happen on a cold day in hell. And no, I ain’t talking about Hell, Michigan (if you don’t believe that there is a Hell, Michigan just Google it). Those of you that are from that part of Michigan and know about that annual joke about “Hell freezing over” can stop snickering now. Okay, now that we’ve covered geography. So, after I made my pitstop for donuts, I headed across town as quickly as possible while trying my damnedest to avoid the donut patrol. I made it all the way over to the frontage road in front of the vocational education college campus without any problems. However, as I rounded the corner turning onto the frontage road, I took a turn a little fast. As I did, I chirped the wheels on the Fiat a little bit. You know. I caught a little rubber. A little further down the frontage road, I noticed the nose of a car sticking out of a parking lot behind some bushes. When I approached it, the familiar red bubblegum machine lights lit up. Of course, they did. It was totally logical that a donut patrol just happened to be sitting right behind those bushes in that parking lot on the one day that I was running slightly late. Isn’t that the way it always works? At least, that’s the way it always seems to work with me. But I think that my goddamn Fiat Spider 2000 had a donut patrol magnet located somewhere on its chassis. I hadn’t ever found it. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t there. That just meant it was well hidden. So, I pulled over and took all my driver’s license and registration and laid them on top of the box of donuts, which I held in my hands waiting for the donut patrol to approach. When he approached, the donut patrol said, “May I… Never mind.” He took my license and registration and the box of donuts and disappeared for a few minutes. He returned a few minutes later and handed me my license and registration. Then he said, “I think you were going a little fast around that corner there. Where were you headed?” I looked at him and said, “I’m actually still headed there. I’m going right over there to the Vo-Tech center. I’m performing a teaching internship. I was running a little late today.” “Well, thanks for the breakfast. And next time, take it easy going around corners.” “Oh yes Sir. Have a good day Sir.” I started up my car and slowly drove away to the Vo-Tech center. As I was parking my car, I thought to myself, “That sorry sonofabitch took all my goddamn donuts and didn’t even give me one. That is some sorry ass shit.” The donut patrol took the whole damn box of donuts. I chirped the tires a little bit coming around the corner, and that cost me a dozen donuts. However, I must admit that the box of donuts did turn a ticket into a warning, but all the same it was another exercise in futility.
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