Previously I ended up pulling duty as the duty driver and driving up to Battalion AT to pick up a new WAC (Women’s Army Corps) who was assigned to the unit. So, it probably won’t shock you, and it certainly didn’t shock me when my platoon sergeant, SFC Jones, called my name during the Muster formation. It was another muggy, humid morning at Fort Benning. We were standing in formation, and the platoon sergeant started talking. SFC Jones said, “PFC Masters, I need to see you immediately following the formation. Everyone else is dismissed. Fallout and return to your duty areas. That is all.” I walked up to the platoon sergeant and said, “Hey Sarge, you wanted to see me?” The platoon sergeant seemed lost for a minute. He looked around and said, “Oh, hey Masters. Yes, I did. I need you to pull duty driver again.” “Sarge, is my name the only name you know?” “No. Absolutely not. I know everybody in my platoon.” “Well, it sure as hell doesn’t seem that way. Cuz every time some bullshit duty comes down the pipe you call my name. And I mean every time. Since when did the alphabet start with M, and end with M, and contain exactly one letter, the letter M?” “What in the hell are you talking about?” “It seems pretty obvious to me. Masters starts with M. You always call my name, which happens to be Masters. And you call no other name. Thus, the alphabet according to you consists of exactly one letter, the letter M.” “There you go with your exaggerated bullshit.” “Exaggerated bullshit?!? I state the facts. Nothing but the facts so help me God. No exaggerations. When you needed a CCF (Central Confinement Facility) driver, whose name did you call?” “I called your name.” “When you needed a duty driver, whose name did you call?” “I called your name.” “And when you needed a bus driver, whose name did you call?” “I believe I called your name.” “You’re damn right. You called my name. Every damn time. You called my name. Masters is the only name you know. Can I see that book you hold in your hand there, Sarge?” “Why do you want to see my notebook?” “Well, isn’t that where you keep a list of all the soldiers in the platoon?” “Yes.” “That’s what I thought. I just want to check to make sure that you have more than one name written in there.” “Oh, come on. Seriously? You know I have more than one name written in here.” “Do I? Prove it. Cuz I don’t believe you. I think there’s only one name in that book. Or, if there is more than one name, the name, Masters is written multiple times. That’s what I think.” “This is unreal. Here, look.” “Oh, wow. So, what’s the deal? You don’t know how to pronounce all the rest of these names? Is that it? Or do all these guys have dirt on you? What’s the deal?” “Unbelievable! Look Masters, I don’t have time for this. Report to the orderly room. You’re going to be the duty driver for the day. That is all.” Well, there I was. I was hooked again to be the duty driver. I reported to the orderly room and I sat around for a while. At about 1300 hours, a phone call came in for the first sergeant. When the first sergeant got off the phone, he looked at me and said, “Masters, take the Jeep and go up to Battalion to pick up a new soldier.” So, I left and went up to Battalion. I reported to the Battalion S1 and spoke with the Battalion personnel NCO. I said, “I believe my first sergeant called you. I’m here to pick up a new soldier.” The personnel NCO looked at me and said, “Oh yes. A new WAC came in for your unit. She’s right over there.” “Another one?” “What do you mean, another one?” “Oh, I was in here about a month back, maybe two months back, and picked up a new soldier. That new soldier was also a WAC. You may remember that one. She was a blonde, tomboy-looking WAC.” “Oh yeah. Now I remember. That was you, huh?” “Yup. That was me.” “Well, I think you’re going to like this one.” I picked up the new WAC and took her back to the company headquarters. She didn’t say much. I didn’t get a really good read from her. She settled into the unit and she never said 10 words to me for maybe two months. Then, one day out of the blue, she walked up to me and said, “Excuse me, Wright?” I turned around startled and said, “May I help you?” “I really need to talk to you.” “Okay. So, talk. What’s the big deal?” “No. Not here. There are too many people around.” “Look lady. You haven’t said 10 words to me since you’ve been in the unit. Now, suddenly, you’ve got a secret that nobody else can hear. That is unreal!” “Can we go somewhere to talk?” “Okay. I’ll humor you. Where do you want to go?” “Well, you have a car, right?” “Yes, I do.” “Can we go for a little ride?” “Really? Are you sure you want to be seen driving away with me alone? After all, you haven’t said 10 words to me since you got to the unit.” “All right already. Will you stop giving me grief about that?” “All right. A truce it is. Let’s go.” So, we got in my car and went for a drive. The new WAC whose name was Pvt. Morgan said, “I don’t know if you know my roommate. Do you?” I replied, “No, I don’t think I do. What about her?” “She really likes you.” “Oh really? And you couldn’t tell me this back at the company. What is the big secret?” “So, you really don’t know her?” “What? Are we playing 50 questions? I just told you that I don’t know her.” “Okay. Is it okay if I arrange a meeting between you and her?” “I guess. But I gotta tell you, I’m sort of seeing somebody now. I’m not going to promise anything. And one more thing, make the meeting somewhere neutral where I can bail if I don’t like what I see or hear. Okay?” “I can do that. What did you have in mind?” “I don’t know? Figure something out. You’re a big girl.” Pvt. Morgan arranged for me to meet her roommate at the movie theater the next evening. I went to the movie theater the following evening, but I didn’t know who I was looking for. So, I hung around by the front door. About five minutes after I got there, a lady approached me. She asked, “Are you Wright?” I just couldn’t help myself, so I said, “That depends on who wants to know.” “Morgan didn’t tell me that you would be a smart ass.” “And Morgan didn’t tell me who to look for. So, I guess that makes us even. You seem to have me at a disadvantage. You know my name, but I don’t know yours.” “Morgan didn’t tell you my name?” “She did not. Nor did she tell me what you look like.” “Are you disappointed?” “Before I answer that, let’s start with your name.” “My name is Mary. Mary Janssen.” “Janssen. I know that name. Why do I know that name? I know that I know that name. The question is, why?” “Maybe you’ve met my dad.” “Your dad? Wait a minute. I knew a Colonel Janssen at Fort Lost in the Woods (Leonard Wood). But the Colonel Janssen I knew was a chaplain, and I did a little babysitting for his children. I certainly don’t remember you. It couldn’t be.” “It could be, and it is. That Colonel Janssen is my dad. The reason you don’t remember me is because I was away at basic training when you babysat my brother and sister.” “No way. This can’t be happening. Say it isn’t so.” “Oh, this is happening. And it is so.” “Have you ever heard any music by Alice Cooper?” “No, I don’t think I have. Do you have her music?” “Alice Cooper is a guy. Anyway, he has a song where he sings about a nightmare. Yeah. This is my nightmare. Welcome to my nightmare.” “What?” “Never mind. I don’t have time to explain it. Do you want to watch the movie?” “I’m sorry. I cannot watch this movie.” “Why not? This movie is a classic Burt Reynolds movie.” “The movie is rated R.” “And how is that a problem?” “Well according to the poster, the movie contains pornography and foul language. Both of those are sins against God.” “Seriously? You can’t see a movie because there might be a few cuss words in a little bit of skin? Totally unreal. Is that because that is what your dad would say? Or is that how you feel?” “That is how I feel.” “You know what, this just isn’t going to work out. I can see that already. Your dad was like that too. He thought because he was a colonel and paid me a few bucks to watch his kids, he could tell me what to do with my life. Wrong. And I have a bad feeling that you’ll be the same way. Plus, I’m already seeing somebody. Morgan didn’t tell you, did she? Oh yeah. On the weekends, I ride with a gang of bikers and I date one of them. Her name is Chains. Chains is all the woman I need. By the way, she calls me Demon. I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of that. And I’m sorry, but you’ll never be any of the sort of woman I need. Sorry. You know what, no I’m not. Sorry, I mean. My mom tried to set me up with a preacher’s daughter once. You know what happened that time?” “No. Of course not. How could I know?” “Yeah. I didn’t expect you to know. So, I’m going to tell you. I dumped her like a load of trash and joined the Army. In your case, I’m not even going to start the relationship. It’s been real and it’s been nice, but it hasn’t been really nice. See you.” “That’s it? You’re going to dump me just like that?” “Just like that.” “How could you?” “Well, it’s very easy actually. And to be fair, I told Morgan that I wasn’t making any promises when I said she could set up a meeting. Anyway, I got to go. Later.” “Can we try this again?” “Not no but hell no!” Then, I walked out and left. The next time I saw Morgan I told her, “You did not tell me that your roommate was a preacher’s daughter.” She replied, “Does that matter?” “Does that matter? It does to me, especially when I know her dad.” “You know her dad?” “Yeah. He’s a full bird colonel and he’s a preacher. And she is definitely a preacher’s daughter.” “I see.” “Yeah.” Thus, my tryst with Mary Janssen proved to be just another exercise in futility.
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