Black ‘n’ Tan – An Ode to Military Humor – Springtime Folly

On December 10, 1985, when I was working At the Directorate of Matériel, 593^rd Area Support Group, Fort Lewis, Washington, three things occurred on one eventful day. First, the deputy commander of the 593^rd Area Support Group announced that I would be the new commander of the 508^th Maintenance Detachment. Second, earlier that same morning, my wife and I had received news that she was pregnant with our second child. And third, my wife had been sworn in that day as a naturalized citizen of the United States. She had taken her citizenship test and passed on her first try. For us, this was a very momentous day indeed. We subsequently learned that our second child would be a boy. We were indeed overjoyed. Our daughter would finally have a little brother after six long years of waiting. In July 1986, our son was born. During the last week of August 1986, my parents and my brother Craig and his wife came out to visit me. Okay. Let me correct that. Technically, they came out to visit me. At least, that was the excuse that they used when they said they were coming out for the visit. However, things are never as they seem. However, they really came out to visit my old man’s sister and her husband. They never had any intention of visiting me. When my parents arrived at the airport, they called and asked if I could come and pick them up. Since I was expecting them, I said that I would be glad to come and pick them up. But when I got to the airport, my parents seemed shocked to see me. Actually, shocked is a bit of an understatement. They were utterly speechless. My brother Craig walked right up to me and shook my hand and clapped me on the back. He immediately addressed the elephant in the room. He said, “Damn Wright! It’s pretty dark in here. Did somebody turn off the lights?” I replied, “No, Einstein. The lights are working just fine, thanks. And I don’t need any comments from the peanut gallery about my tan. So, what’s with the folks? Did you cut out their tongues before they got off the plane? And they’re as white as sheets. You’d think they had seen a ghost or something.” “No man. I didn’t do none of that shit. All I did was talk back to the old man one time, and I got thrown down the stairs for my trouble. I figured if I did anything this time around, the sonofabitch might try to throw me off of the goddamn airplane. And the last time I checked; I still don’t have any damn wings.” “So, what’s with them? I mean, I understand being surprised to see someone. But shit. This is ridiculous. They are acting like I’ve got the plague or something.” “No man. It ain’t that.” “Then what the hell is it?” Finally, Craig’s wife blurted, “It’s because you’re so tanned you look black. That’s why Craig asked if the lights were turned off because it was really dark in here.” “I got the reference to how black I looked. I just pretended not to say anything about that. Do I need to show them that this is just a dark tan? I can pull down my pants and show them my white ass if I have to. I just didn’t think I would have to,” I replied. Finally, my mom said hello and then we put everything into the car and left the airport. It was very chilly inside of the car on the ride back to my house, and that ride from the airport took about an hour, one way. When we got back to my house, I showed Craig and his wife to their room. And they put away their luggage. And I also showed my folks to their room. I brought in their luggage and put it away for them as well. After introductions to my wife and my new baby boy, we all decided to go out to eat dinner. After dinner, the old man wanted to call my aunt Pearl and uncle Leo. Pearl was his older sister. Leo was pretty cool. Everybody that ever met Leo got along great with him. I cannot say the same about Pearl. She was cut from the same fabric that my old man was. And when I say that she had a mean streak in her that was as wicked as his, believe me, it was every bit as wicked and might be worse. And like my old man, she absolutely despised me. If looks could kill, I would have disintegrated on sight, the very first time she laid eyes on me. Poof! The great vanishing act. Now you see me. Now you don’t. But if you hurried up and looked down, you just might notice a pile of dust where I was standing just before the wind blew. Yes Sir. She had one helluva mean streak in her. My folks stayed at my house overnight, but the next day, the old man demanded that I take them to Pearl and Leo’s house. I thought to myself, “So, that is how it’s going to be.” They weren’t even making an attempt to hide the fact that they came out here to visit Pearl and Leo when their stated purpose was to visit my wife, me, and our new baby boy. I asked, “Did you call to see if they’re home? They live clear across town. I don’t want to drive all the way across town just to find out that they ain’t home.” My old man replied, “Bullshit. They’ll be home. Just take us over there.” So, I took them over there. But Pearl and Leo weren’t home. Go figure. I looked at the old man and said, “What did I tell you? You should’ve called first. I know better than to run over here before calling. We can go to a pay phone and you can call Joe’s Tavern. Leo might be there.” “What in the hell makes you think he’ll be there?” My old man replied. “Cuz that’s his favorite hangout. Come to think of it, that’s his only watering hole. And you can bet your biffy that he ain’t with Pearl. He is for damn sure at Joe’s Tavern.” So we stopped at a pay phone and looked up the number for Joe’s Tavern. I told the old man to just call over there and ask for Leo. I said not to worry because everybody in the joint would know who he was. Sure as shit, Leo was at Joe’s Tavern. So, my folks decided to have me drop them off there. Craig and his wife decided to stay with my folks at Joe’s Tavern. I told them to call me if their plans changed. Then I took off. About four hours later, I received a frantic phone call from my brother Craig. He was really distraught and asked if I could come and pick him and his wife up. I asked what happened, but he wouldn’t tell me. When I got to the bar, he was ready to go to blows with Leo. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to fight with Leo. All I could understand was that something had happened. Craig was really drunk. I asked him and his wife if they wanted to come home with me. His wife said they did. My parents refused to come home with me. They said that they were going to stay with Leo and Pearl. They just could not get over how dark I was. I tried to explain that it was just a dark tan from being in the jungle in Central America on a recent deployment. But they weren’t having any of that. I was not their son. I was some dark skinned abomination. My jungle tan proved to be just another exercise in futility.

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