Beer Bash Mood Music – An Ode to Military Humor

When I served as the commander of the 305^th Supply and Services Company in the 227^th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, we passed our ARTEP during our first attempt.  The company had done so well that the Battalion Commander had given the entire company a three-day pass.  I thought that was okay, but I wanted to do something more for the company myself.  I called a staff meeting to discuss my plan with my First Sergeant and my senior leaders.  My First Sergeant suggested that we host a beer bash for the company.  Of course, I had whispered the suggestion into his ear prior to the meeting.  That’s not exactly cheating.  Not really.  Just like accidentally dropping your test paper with all the right answers onto the floor right next to your dumbass buddy who couldn’t pass a test to save his ass so that he could accidentally look at your answers and copy them before you have a chance to pick up your paper isn’t exactly cheating.  You see, there’s a little gray area in there, where the line between accidental honesty and outright cheating, kind of gets bumped up against but not crossed.  You can’t cross the line between accidental honesty and outright cheating because then you’d just be cheating.  Well, that would never do.  We just couldn’t have outright cheating, now could we?  Oh, heavens to megatroid, no!  That would cause all sorts of chaos.  It might even upset the normal balance of things.  So, like I said, I merely whispered into my First Sergeant’s ear, and he subsequently came up with the idea to have the beer bash.  It was totally his idea, you see.  Even if you don’t, it was totally his idea.  We solicited voluntary donations from the cadre to help pay for the beer bash libations and snacks.  I told my First Sergeant to get the word out to the Northern Detachment that we were having this little get-together and to invite them so that they wouldn’t feel left out when they eventually got the word.  I didn’t want them to cry and pout if they got left out.  After all, they did a good job in the ARTEP as well.  The First Sergeant asked me, “Sir, what are we going to do for sleep accommodations?”  I replied, “I have a couple of suggestions, First Sergeant.  We could erect a GP medium tent or two and set up cots and issue temporary loans of sleeping bags to each of the soldiers coming down from the Northern Detachment, or we could set up cots in the main maintenance bay of the motor pool.  However, I’m not too sure how happy the Motor Sergeant would be with that idea.”  “I think I like your first idea better.”  “Yeah.  That is the better solution.  We can select a detail of volunteers to erect the tent and set up cots with the bribe of a three-day pass.  Six or eight soldiers should do it.  What do you think?”  “That sounds like a plan Sir.”  “I am sure that there will be a few select individuals that will want to get a cheap hotel room down in Itaewon.  That’s fine with me.  However, they are not leaving to go back up to Uijeongbu until Saturday morning.  Lieutenant Jenson, we have to make sure that Woody knows to inform his soldiers that no one is to leave to go back to Uijeongbu until Saturday morning.  We’ll have Lieutenant Woodson request a bus or two to haul all of his soldiers down here.  That way, they’ll all have to ride the bus back on Saturday morning.”  “Yes Sir.  I think that’ll cover everything.”  “Well, let’s make it happen.  Lieutenant Jenson, inform Woody about the details of this discussion.”  “Yes Sir.”  “I love it when a plan comes together.”  The following Friday, the 305^th Supply and Services Company held a beer bash to celebrate its successful conclusion to the ARTEP.  Passing the ARTEP had been our second major test.  Our first major test had been the first ever repatriation of Korean War remains during the Memorial Day weekend.  Very soon, the company was going to be tested yet again.  I had no clue that the next test was even coming, but that is another story.  Meanwhile, I shifted my attention back to my mess hall.  My mess hall had been making pretty decent strides.  The headcount was steadily increasing week over week.  As a result, Sergeant First Class Ward continued to improve the menu to attract even more headcount.  We had made improvements to the physical appearance of the mess hall as well.  The entire inside of the mess hall dining area had received a facelift in terms of painting.  We also ordered and received new table linens.  We put place settings on each of the tables to improve the ambience.  We also added new curtains to the windows.  Now, it was time to unveil my masterstroke.  I told the First Sergeant to deliver the baby grand piano out of storage to the pre-designated area in the dining room of the mess hall.  I asked, “First Sergeant, do we even have a piano player in the company that can play some mood music while the soldiers are eating?”  The First Sergeant replied, “I am way ahead of you, Sir.  I’ve got that all taken care of.  Just show up at lunchtime and enjoy the show.”  I took his advice and showed up at lunchtime.  All I could say was, “WOW!”  The only thing missing was the wine.  Okay.  Okay.  The other thing missing was the fancy ladies all dressed up in the evening gowns.  Word got out really fast that we had live mood music to go with the best food in Yongsan.  By the end of the week, we had a two star general drop in for lunch.  The following week, the Chief of Staff, Eighth United States Army, and the Deputy Commander of Eighth United States Army both came to eat in my mess hall.  A week after that, the Commanding General of the 19^th Support Command was in town and stopped by to eat in my mess hall.  Soon after that, even ROK Army Generals were coming to my mess hall to eat.  I think the KATUSAs had something to do with that.  And I’m pretty sure that the mood music also helped.  It seemed that we had hit a winning combination.  We were on a roll and we were not encountering any exercises in futility.

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