Beltway Bandits – An Ode to Military Humor

If you have read a few of my more recent posts, you know that I have written about my family’s departure from Hawaii on our way to Tacoma enroute to North Dakota and the East Coast.  I was ultimately headed to the East Coast to Fort Lee, Virginia to attend the Logistics Executive Development Course.  The stops in Tacoma and North Dakota were to visit relatives.  Oh yeah, the stop in North Dakota was also to retrieve my red Chevy van.  The really rough landing that my luggage experienced, to be brutally honest, my luggage was beat to hell.  My luggage looked like it had been beat by a bunch of gangbangers with chains and clubs to within an inch of its life.  Well, after I settled all of the claims for my lost, damaged, and destroyed luggage with the airline and the Army, my family and I relaxed and enjoyed some vacation time with our relatives.  A major event on the agenda while we were in Tacoma was to celebrate my son’s birthday.  After we had celebrated my son’s birthday, we decided it was time to head for North Dakota.  Now, we got to North Dakota without any problems.  But there were a few hiccups.  For example, you may remember that my brother Jethro was supposed to show up to pick my family and I up at the airport.  Well, that didn’t happen.  Then, my brother Ron did pick my family and I up and we stayed at his house for a couple of days.  You may also remember that we went to the county fair where I got trapped on the Zipper with my niece.  Then we went to my parents’ house to pick up my red Chevy van so that we could travel to Minneapolis and on to Fort Lee, Virginia.  Of course, we couldn’t leave my parents’ house without first hauling off some of their unwanted trash, which is always a pleasant experience (que the sarcasm).  Well, we got to my brother Craig’s house in Champlin, Minnesota, and he took us to a Minnesota Twinkies (Minnesota Twins) game .  Of course, he took us early enough just so that we could sit and watch an eighty-year-old spinster behind us catch all of the flyballs that were batted our way.  I swear that spinster was communicating with somebody in the batting cage.  It was a conspiracy I tell you.  There is nothing quite like the experience you feel when you sit in a professional baseball stadium and get outclassed by an eighty-year-old spinster who can barely walk and talk and has one foot in the grave.  So sad.  The next day, my family and I set off for parts east, mainly Virginia, in our red Chevy van.  Where we immediately ran into a torrential downpour.  It was very slow going.  Thus, we didn’t make it all that far on that first day.  However, on the second day, we woke up bright and early, and the skies were clear as we set off.  We drove east across Indiana, then Ohio on Interstate 80/90 until we got to just west of Cleveland.  The interstate split into a northern and a southern route.  It was at that point, we started turning south onto Interstate 80 to angle Southeast toward Pennsylvania.  Once in Pennsylvania, we took Interstate 79 South toward Pittsburgh until it intersects with Interstate 70/76 East.  We took Interstate 70/76 East until it intersects with Interstate 70 South toward Maryland.  We then headed onto Interstate seventy South into Maryland.  We took Interstate 70 East to Interstate 695 South to bypass Baltimore and then we stopped for the evening.  Yup riveting stuff, but hey if you ever need to travel that way without GPS you can take what can be considered the most efficient route if you remember these directions.  The next morning, we proceeded south on Interstate 695 South to Interstate 95 South to just north of Washington DC.  Now if any of you have driven on the East Coast, you know that the interstates are really toll roads.  What that means is that the filthy blighters stop you every few miles and charge you a few bucks for the privilege of driving on their pothole-riddled roads.  And, oh yeah, don’t forget that you gotta dodge all of the damn orange traffic cones set out to narrow the traffic down to one lane.  Those traffic cones are ostensibly put out to warn you of road construction, which of course is never occurring.  It needs to be happening.  But it isn’t.  Why?  How in the hell would I know?  But they keep right on collecting those goddamn tolls.  And all of the interstate highways around Washington DC are called Beltways.  Why are they called beltways?  They sure as hell ain’t made out of belts.  One explanation that I heard was that there are a whole bunch of government contractor buildings all along those interstate highways.  And those contractors are affectionately known to the government as Beltway bandits.  Why are they called Beltway bandits?  Do they go out and steal small sections of the road?  That doesn’t seem likely.  Cuz how in the hell are they going to haul the road away?  Then, once they do haul the road away, what in the hell are they going to do with it?  Yeah.  That doesn’t seem very likely.  Do they steal thousands upon thousands of belts?  That doesn’t seem likely either.  Cuz where is the black market for belts?  Belts just don’t cost that much.  Maybe it’s because those contractors dress up in costumes where they wear black hats, Frito Bandito masks and black capes with anywhere from three to five belts and have a red sash tied around their waist.  Don’t forget the ridiculous looking boots with the big belt buckle at the top that serves no obvious function other than decoration.  I’ve never personally seen one of these Beltway bandits that are dressed like that, so I couldn’t tell you.  I am just guessing here.  But if I had to put money on it, that is where I would lay my money down.  Those government contractors dress up in those ridiculous costumes and run around looking like total idiots just to get paid a few bucks from the government.  Sounds reasonable.  Does that help get the roads fixed?  Hell no.  But you know the cogs of government have to turn (oh so excruciatingly slowly).  But I digress.  Once we got through Washington DC, we continued south on Interstate 95 into Virginia until we arrived at Fort Lee, Virginia, which was due east of Petersburg, Virginia.  And outside of paying off those toll road thieves we arrived at our destination with no exercises in futility.

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