Pork and Crabs – An Ode to Military Humor

My recent adventures have been about the vacation that my family and I took to the island of Guam immediately after I had relinquished my position as the Commander of the 305^th Supply and Services Company.  After I had passed the guidon to the new company commander in a change of command ceremony, I decided to cool my jets for a few days and catch up on some much needed rest and relaxation.  My family also needed a break.  As luck would have it, my First Sergeant At 305^th Supply and Services Company was also planning to cool his jets and catch up on some rest and relaxation.  So, we set off on a vacation to the sunny island of Guam.  Just to clarify things, when I say we, I mean that my family and I and my First Sergeant all set off on this vacation adventure.  We decided to use the low-budget method of transportation to get to Guam, which meant that we were all going to catch a Space-A (space available) hop aboard an Air Force cargo plane out of Osan Air Force Base to fly to Guam.  This flight plan included the flight from hell and the eternity of time we spent at Yokota Air Force Base in the duty free store looking at china.  No.  Not China, the country but china, the Japanese dishes.  Then came the long wait that we spent at Anderson Air Force Base waiting to check in at the officer guest quarters.  Once I had accomplished those things, I needed to secure some transportation to get around the island.  I talked about the car that I was able to rent for a mere ninety-four dollars ($94) for the entire duration of our vacation.  On the morning of the second day that we were on the island, we decided to check out one of the local beaches.  I asked directions to the nearest beach at the check-in desk of the officer guest quarters.  The desk clerk gave me directions, and we headed out.  The drive to the beach only took about ten minutes.  The water was crystal clear and you could see virtually everything underwater.  I decided that we would have to find a rental shop to use some snorkel gear and some swimming fins.  When we got out of the water and were going to head to the car, we noticed these huge wild pigs come out of nowhere and start rummaging around on the beach.  As they approached closer and closer to us, it appeared to me that they might be thinking that we were lunch.  When they first came out of the jungle.  They were tipping over trash cans and making one helluva racket.  But it was quite obvious that the trash cans were empty.  Cuz those pigs were getting quite vicious and angry, and they weren’t finding much food.  Actually, they weren’t finding any food.  And like us, those dumb pigs obviously didn’t know how to crack the shells on the coconuts.  Go figure.  Either that or the dumb son of a bitches didn’t like coconuts.  Either way, they must have thought that we would taste a whole lot better than those coconuts.  Cuz they started to come toward us right quick and in a hurry.  We had no choice but to retreat back into the water.  I was pretty damn sure that those pigs couldn’t swim.  It turned out that I was right.  They stopped well short of the water line and turned around and headed back toward the jungle.  As it was, those goddamn pigs wasted about forty-five minutes to an hour of our time while they were thinking that we were lunch.  Perhaps they thought we brought them lunch.  But the last time I checked; the rental car didn’t say catering service on the side.  And I was pretty damn sure that those pigs couldn’t read any damn way.  Oh well, they finally left and we were able to get out of the water.  But no sooner than we started heading to the car, we noticed these huge ass crabs come out of nowhere to scrounge around on the beach.  And when I say huge ass crabs, I mean huge ass crabs.  Those suckers had to weigh at least ten or twelve pounds, and they had to be at least two or three feet across.  But I noticed something peculiar.  Those weird ass crabs left us alone.  Something I found out about those crabs later is that they were coconut crabs.  Those coconut crabs will eat just about anything that they can find.  They are basically scavengers.  But as the name implies, they do eat coconut meat.  They also feed on fleshy fruits.  The coconut crab is known for two things.  The first is its ability to use its massive pincers to crack open coconuts.  The second is that it likes shiny objects.  Hint: don’t leave your shiny rings, watches, pendants, necklaces, and other assorted jewelry and valuables out where the coconut crabs can see them because they will steal them.   That’s right.  They will steal your shiny objects.  They are vicious thieves.  They will rob you blind.  What the hell do they do with the shiny objects?  Who in the hell knows?  Cuz they sure as hell don’t pawn them.  As I watched one of those coconut crabs bust open a coconut I got to thinking.  What if I could get a coconut crab to bust open a coconut for me and then steal it from the crab.  That might work.  Of course, I could get my ass torn apart too.  There had to be a better way to break open a coconut.  More on that later.  We finally made it back to our car and we headed out to look for a rental shop to rent some snorkel gear.  Other than our encounter with the feral pigs and the coconut crabs, our first visit to the beach was a huge success without any significant exercises in futility.  

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