I Know You – An Ode to Military Humor

When I served as the Commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company in the 227th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, the company passed several major tests and milestones.  And the company picked up new missions without skipping a beat.  Oh, and I managed to get fired and rehired to my job as commander not once, not twice, but three times.  But I also seemed to have a penchant for winning favor in certain circles.  In fact, awards seemed to be raining from the sky recently.  For example, I had recently been nominated for and won the AUSA Outstanding Officer of the Year in the 19th Support Command.  Then, I was nominated for and won the 19th Support Command General Douglas MacArthur Leadership Award.  I was told that I had been nominated for that award by my soldiers.  As a result of being named the winner of the 19th Support Command, General Douglas MacArthur Leadership Award, I was automatically entered in the Eighth Army competition for that award.  But I really would have preferred to keep myself out of the limelight simply because every time new attention was drawn in my direction, some of my closest peers in the Battalion and across the 501st Support Group seemed to become more envious of me.  I hated all the petty jealousy.  I would much rather that the individual awards be given to those petty individuals.  However, that was not to be.  On the day of the Eighth Army competition, captains from all major commands within Eighth Army assembled at Eighth Army headquarters in Yongsan, Seoul, Korea.  Each of us had to give a two-minute presentation on what the words duty, honor, country meant to us.  Those three words were the ideals that General MacArthur stood for.  And the award attempts to capture the essence of those ideals in the winner of the award.  The contestants are assessed by a selection board that evaluates their military expertise and bearing.  Knowing all of that, I wondered how things were going to work out when I walked into the room to face the selection board for the first time and noticed that the Eighth Army Chief of Staff was a member of the board.  I tried not to lose my composure, but the general beat me to it.  To say he was stunned when he saw me walk into the room, is putting it mildly.  It was very obvious that he recognized me.  But from where did he recognize me?  Was it from the Eighth Army Philip A. Connelly Award for Food Service Excellence presentation?  God forbid it should be from that little ceremony.  I still had a framed polaroid photograph of Sergeant First Class Ward saluting him with his left hand.  I know he laughed at the time when he returned the salute, but did he really think it was funny?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  How in the hell could fate punish me like this?  I wasn’t a turtle, so I couldn’t magically crawl into my shell and hide.  Dammit.  And I didn’t have my new drug, dammitol.  Dammitol is an experimental new drug designed just for those situations when you want to say to hell with it all and head for the hills or be like that turtle and hiding in your shell.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have my new experimental drug with me either.  Damn.  Damn.  Damn.  And sure as shit, the general didn’t miss a beat.  He looked at me and said, “I know you.”  Three little words, I know you.  But those three little words sounded like a massive boom coming from the heavens above.  I know you.  So, I said the only thing I could think of, “I know you too, Sir.”  “Where do I know you from?”  Oh no.  No.  No.  No.  That was too easy.  He was playing dumb.  He was fishing to see if I would give him the condemning information.  Fine.  I would oblige.  “Well, Sir, there was that time, a couple of weeks ago when you came down to my company and awarded my NCO the Eighth Army Philip A. Connelly Award for Food Service Excellence.”  “Yeah, I remember that.  You’re NCO was so nervous that he saluted me with his left hand.  But that is not where I know you from.  I know you, but it’s from somewhere else.”  “Well, Sir, I used to be the Eighth Army Readiness Officer.  One time, one of your Colonels was briefing you on unit readiness and you asked a question to which nobody in the room knew the answer.  However, after 10 minutes of embarrassing discussion, I couldn’t handle just sitting quietly in the audience anymore.  You see, I knew the answer to your question, so I stood up and answered it.  Then, when you asked follow-on questions, I answered those as well.  Then, you asked me who I was and I told you.  Then you asked me why I wasn’t on your staff to which I didn’t have an answer.  However, the Commanding General of 19th Support Command bailed me out on that question.  Then, the whole auditorium burst out laughing.”  “Oh yeah.  I remember you now.”  Well, as luck would have it, I was the runner-up for that award.  There was one better officer in the competition than me.  He was being deployed to Desert Shield.  He truly deserved the Eighth Army General Douglas MacArthur Leadership Award.  I was given a letter of appreciation and a copy of the book, This Kind of War.  However, the words ‘I know you’ did not detrimentally affect me, and I managed to escape without any exercises in futility.

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