Trial by Fire – An Ode to Military Humor

When I served as the Commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company in the 227th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, the company passed several major tests and milestones.  And the company picked up new missions without skipping a beat.  Oh, and I managed to get fired and rehired to my job as commander not once, not twice, but three times. In fact, I had just recently managed to tap dance my way through the third trial by fire, whereby I was fired and publicly humiliated and subsequently rehired.  I must say that I owed a deep debt of gratitude to my core of lieutenants for bailing me out during my third trial by fire.  They stood by me admirably and told the Group Commander to fire them all over the wrong that he had committed toward me.  I truly respected and admired my core of lieutenants prior to that ordeal, but my respect and admiration was even more profound as a result of their actions during that trial by fire.  I decided to throw a company party in honor of my lieutenants and the loyalty that they had shown to me.  I called the First Sergeant, Sergeant First Class (SFC) Ward (the Mess Sergeant), and SFC Harding (the Transportation Platoon Sergeant) into my office for a planning meeting.  These three NCOs were my most trusted NCO’s in the company.  I swore them to secrecy and informed them that I intended to throw a company party in honor of the lieutenants and the actions that they had demonstrated on the day of the 501st Support Group Officer Professional Development (OPD) class.  I gave them each areas of responsibility that I wanted them to take care of and coordinate.  SFC Harding asked me, “Sir, why do you throw so many parties?”  I replied, “Sergeant Harding, that is an excellent question.  You see, it’s kinda like this.  I can’t give soldiers awards and medals every time they do something extraordinary that deserves recognition.  However, one of the most effective ways to get the very best performance out of your soldiers time and time again, no matter how hard and how long you work them, is to reward them for their performance.  So, how do you do that if you can’t always give them awards and medals?  Answer: you give them time off utilizing a three day pass, whenever possible, and you throw parties to demonstrate to them that you appreciate their efforts.  Cuz tell me.  Who doesn’t like a party?”  “Okay.  You convinced me.  All of my soldiers always seem to like your parties.  Is your wife going to have her famous chocolate chip cookies and cinnamon rolls at the party?”  “Oh, I am sure that they will make an appearance.  They always seem to be a popular attraction.”  On the appointed Friday of the party, I received permission from Battalion to shut down the company at 1500 hours.  As with previous parties, we made arrangements for the Northern Detachment personnel to stay in Yongsan until Saturday if they so desired.  At about 1600 hours, I was informed by the CQ (Charge of Quarters) runner that I had a phone call in my office.  I asked who it was?  I wasn’t expecting any phone calls.  The CQ runner said, “I thought the guy said he was some Colonel calling from the 19th Support Command headquarters.”  I replied, “Well, did you get his name?”  “Uh…  No, Sir.”  “What!?!  God dammit.  Why not?  Never mind.”  I headed off toward the orderly room.  When I arrived at my office, I picked up the phone and answered, “This is Captain Masters.”  The 19th Support Command Chief of Staff replied, “Hello, Captain Masters.  Do you remember me?”  “It’s kinda hard to forget you, Sir.  What can I do for you?”  “What took you so damn long to answer the phone?  Did your soldiers have to come to your quarters to get you?”  “What in the hell is that supposed to mean?  Of course not.  I’m throwing a company party today.  Everybody is at the party.  It took me a few minutes to walk over here.”  “Oh.  I see.  I just thought that with your most recent relief for cause, you might be at your quarters licking your wounds.”  “Well, Sir.  If you are up on the facts of my most recent relief for cause.  You must know that I didn’t get relieved, per se.  Cuz it turned out to be too expensive for the Group Commander to handle.  Cuz my relief would have cost him all of my lieutenants as well.  That’s a pretty expensive bill, wouldn’t you say?”  “Yeah.  That’s what I heard.  What’s with you and that Group Commander?”  “There’s nothing with me.  I just think he wears panties that are four or five sizes too small for his big ass.  But you didn’t call me to ask how my week has been.  What’s up?”  “ We need you and your wife to come down here next weekend for a small dinner meal and function.”  “Me???  Are you sure you got the right guy?”  “Oh, I got the right guy.  The General asked me to invite you himself.”  “Okay, Sir.  What day, what time, and what uniform?”  “The event is next Saturday evening at 7:30 PM.  The uniform is military dress blues and dinner, formal for your wife.  Bring your whole family.  We’ve made arrangements for your family to stay in the officers’ quarters on Camp Walker at no charge.  Please arrive at my quarters by 5:30 PM.  We’ll have light hors d’oeuvres and drinks and depart from my quarters for the event.  Please make arrangements for your children.”  “No problem, Sir.  I can handle that.”  The following Saturday morning, my family and I drove down to Taegu.  I immediately went to Sue Song Heights apartments to determine if our friends could watch our children that afternoon and evening while my wife and I were attending our function.  After we made arrangements for our children, we went to the officers’ quarters on Camp Walker to check in.  Once we were in our room, my wife and I rested for a while before we got ready to go to the Chief of Staff’s quarters.  We arrived at the Chief of Staff’s quarters at 5:25 PM.  The Chief answered the door himself.  At one point, he pulled me off to the side and asked, “Wright, do you have any idea why you are here tonight?”  “Well, Sir.  When you first called, I thought it might be about the fact that I was getting fired an awful lot.  But then, you invited me to a party.  Usually, generally, always, if you are going to chew somebody’s ass, you don’t invite them to a party to do it.  At least, not a celebratory party.  An ass kicking party, maybe.  But not a celebratory party.  So, no Sir.  I don’t have a clue.”  “Good.  We are going to a dinner party hosted by the Taegu chapter of the Association of the United States Army (AUSA).  You are the guest of honor.  When we arrived at the AUSA dinner party, my wife and I were seated at the head table with the General, the Chief of Staff, and the President of the Taegu chapter of the AUSA.  After the dinner, the President of the Taegu chapter of the AUSA got up and began to read a list of my accomplishments.  After bestowing praises upon me for about five minutes, he named me the AUSA Outstanding Officer of the Year in the 19th Support Command.  The award consisted of a plaque and a considerable monetary award.  I was caught completely off guard.  I had no idea that this award was coming.  Had my trial by fire been worth it?  I guess so because I reaped a huge reward in the end.  Not only had I avoided a nasty exercise in futility, but I also earned a nice reward as well. 

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