Typhoon Party – An Ode to Military Humor

When I served as the Commander of the 305^th Supply and Services Company in the 227^th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, the company passed several major tests and milestones.  And the company picked up new missions without skipping a beat.  Oh, and I managed to get fired and rehired to my job as commander not once, not twice, but three times.  What was that?  Three times?  That’s right.  Why do you only know about two times?  Cuz I haven’t told you about the third time, yet.  That is another story for another time.  But after my second firing, things kind of settled down at the company and returned to normal.  The company achieved some recognition for the unit supply program and the unit maintenance program.  Things were going along rather well, so I started issuing weekly physical training challenges to my soldiers.  Of course, I would award three-day passes to any takers of my physical training challenges.  These challenges were not for the faint of heart.  One physical training challenge consisted of a run from Yongsan up around Namsan tower and back to Yongsan.  Running up that hill around Namsan tower could prove to be quite the challenge if you were not in good physical condition.  The distance alone proved to be more than most of my soldiers were willing to attempt.  But the distance combined with the elevation of the hill proved to be a dealbreaker for all but a handful of my soldiers.  There were a few brave souls that did attempt and complete that run with me.  They were some insane sons of bitches.  They probably should’ve been referred to mental health.  Of course, that would’ve meant that I should have been referred to mental health.  Oh hell no.  That wasn’t happening.  There was one soldier in particular who accepted every single challenge that I issued.  That soldier happened to be the guide-on bearer.  One detail that you should know about that particular soldier is that he was the only soldier that I could never beat on the two-mile run.  Never.  Oh, I tried.  But I couldn’t beat him.  And that sonofabitch had more ankle weights around his ankles when he ran.  Even with those ankle weights, he would still beat me.  Not by much.  He would only be me by five or 10 seconds, but he would beat me.  Goddamn was he fast.  Don’t get me wrong.  I was damn fast too.  I could run two miles in eleven minutes flat.  But that sonofabitch would beat me.  I think he did it just to get a three day pass.  The sorry bastard.  One day, I received a call requesting me to come down to Battalion headquarters.  When I arrived at Battalion headquarters, the Battalion staff had already been assembled for some apparent briefing.  Apparently I was late for a party.  Naturally, they forgot the cake, donuts, and refreshments.  What the hell kinda party was that?  How could you have a party without refreshments?  When I got into the briefing, I noticed that I was the only company commander present.  What the hell kinda shit was that?  Where were the other commanders?  Why weren’t they there?  In due time, the Battalion Commander explained why the other company commanders were not present.  After I sat down, the Battalion Commander told the Support Operations Officer, Captain Brian Campbell, to begin the briefing.  Captain Campbell began to inform us of an impending typhoon that was due to hit the southeast coast of Korea.  If the typhoon made landfall, we were to expect high winds, heavy rainfall, and extreme flooding.  I was told to prepare my transportation platoon for possible transport of potable water if necessary, to prepare my water purification units to purify water if necessary, and to prepare all water pumping assets to pump excess water from flooded areas and buildings if necessary.  I asked if any other resources would be needed.  The Battalion Commander instructed me to put the rest of my company on standby alert in case emergency supplies were needed, or other field services were required.  Basically, my company was the only company that received any tasking missions as a result of the impending typhoon.  That was why the other commanders were not required to be present at the briefing.  After the briefing was adjourned, I returned to my company headquarters and asked my First Sergeant and my Executive Officer to call a meeting of my senior staff.  Once all of the members of my senior staff were assembled, I informed them of the warning order that I had received from Battalion.  I put the company on alert.  Two days later, a typhoon hit Korea and caused massive flooding.  My transportation platoon was alerted to haul Class II and Class IV supply to the hardest hit areas.  We deployed one reverse osmosis water purification unit to purify water to one military base that lost water for three days.  Additionally, all of my water pumps were deployed to strategic areas and buildings to pump excess water to reduce the effects of flooding.  I had my soldiers working in shifts around the clock to provide support operations to all of the missions that we were supporting.  After three days, the worst of the typhoon flooding had subsided and the storm had passed.  My unit was able to cease its support operations.  After my soldiers had returned all of the equipment, performed proper maintenance, and stored the equipment away for future use, I authorized a three day pass for all of those soldiers who had engaged in the typhoon support operations.  Two weeks later, my senior staff and I held a thank you party for the soldiers who had engaged in the typhoon support operations.  These little beer bash parties were becoming quite popular with the soldiers.  And the typhoon party was no exception.  As usual, my wife’s cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip cookies were a party favorite.  The typhoon support and the subsequent typhoon party were a huge success with no extra exercises in futility.

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