Fish Soup – An Ode to Military Humor

When I served as the commander of the 305th Supply and Services Company in the 227th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, the company passed several major tests and milestones.  And the company picked up new missions without skipping a beat.  One new mission that the company seemed to have inherited was a new concept called palletized delivery of rations forward in the combat zone.  We had already field-tested that concept a couple of times, and I had been told that we were gearing up to perform that mission during the next Team Spirit field exercise.  Usually, when I received intelligence about upcoming training missions, I received my intelligence from the Battalion Support Operations Officer who was named Captain Brian Campbell.  Captain Campbell had also given me the Intel on the new hot refuel mission that was coming down through channels.  Here is an interesting detail about Captain Campbell.  Captain Campbell had previously commanded the 305th Supply and Services Company about five or six years before me.  Several other Battalion staff officers, to include the Executive Officer, had told me that Captain Campbell was envious of me and the attention I was getting.  I didn’t quite understand that because I didn’t feel that I was getting any undue attention.  Sure.  I didn’t take any bullshit from anybody.  And I didn’t let anybody try to feed any bullshit to my soldiers.  Nobody, but nobody messed with my soldiers without going through me.  I didn’t give a goddamn who they were or what rank they had on their collar.  I do know that Captain Campbell seemed to be rather jealous of my muscular build.  I know that only because I caught him staring at me as I was changing from one T-shirt to another in my office as he walked in one day.  After slipping the T-shirt on and turning around, I caught him staring at me and flexing his muscles at the same time.  I remember thinking, what in the hell is up with that?!?  I was thinking, the boy ain’t got nothing better to do than stand around flexing his muscles?  That’s totally weird.  Captain Campbell had this kind of weird, dazed look on his face.  Finally, I cleared my throat to get his attention and asked him if he was there for a specific reason.  Eventually he came to his senses and said, “Wright, you need to come down to Battalion tomorrow so that you, me, the Battalion S-4, the Battalion XO, and the Battalion Commander can all go out to K-16 to catch a chopper.  We are going to do a recon of a potential hot refuel site near the East Coast.”  I replied, “Is it all right if I bring my POL and hot refuel officer along?”  “Who is that?”  “You know him.  He is Lieutenant Ted Hansen.”  “Oh yeah.  Sure.  Isn’t he the Lieutenant that Colonel Gross dumped on you?”  “That would be the one.”  “Weren’t you told not to give him any positions of leadership or trust?”  “Yeah.  As a matter of fact I was.  Of course, I was also told that I was running a dump ground for all the castoffs and trash that nobody else wanted.  So, guess what?  I’m going to do what I got damn well please and put people where I think they will do the most damn good.  I don’t give a good got damn what Colonel Gross says about it.  If he don’t like it, he can always fire me.  Oh wait.  He already did that once.  Oops.  Why, is he coming too?”  “Yes, I think so.”  “Well alrighty then.  I guess we’ll find out how well he likes his fellow transportation officer.”  “Wait.  What?!?  You mean, they’re both transportation officers?”  “Ding.  Ding.  Ding.  You win again.  Congratulations.”  “Oh wow.  That is unreal.”  “Well, here is the way I look at it.  I’ve got too many missions and too few leaders.  I have to use the talent that I have and assign that talent where I see fit.  That’s what I did.  When Colonel Gross assigned Lieutenant Hansen to me, he told me to use Lieutenant Hansen as I saw fit, and to train him to be a good Lieutenant.  That is exactly what in the hell I’m doing.”  “Yeah.  But he also told you not to give him any positions of leadership or trust.”  “There is no position that a lieutenant can perform that doesn’t have some type of leadership and trust tied to it.  I am pretty got damn sure that Colonel Gross did not want Lieutenant Hansen to sit on his ass and twiddle his thumbs.  Hell, he could’ve kept him at his headquarters to do that.”  “I guess you’re right.”  “I know I’m right.”  The next day, Kato drove me and Lieutenant Hansen first to Battalion Headquarters then to K-16.  The Battalion S-4 rode with me, Lieutenant Hansen, and Kato in the Black Beauty.  Captain Campbell, the Battalion XO, and the Battalion Commander rode in the Battalion Commander’s vehicle.  The helicopter ride to the potential hot refuel location took about an hour and a half.  We surveyed the site with some ROK (Republic of Korea) Army officers.  The hot refuel site was to be set up and operated in support of the ROK Army.  After we finished our survey of the potential hot refuel site, we went to eat lunch at a ROK Army officers’ mess.  The food we were served was some kind of fish soup.  Now picture this.  Close your eyes and think back to the last time that you saw a stagnant river or creek or pond where all the fish had died and were floating on top of the river or creek or pond.  Or better yet, if you have ever been to the headwaters of a river after the salmon have made their run upstream to lay their eggs.  Once they lay their eggs, they all die.  Then, they just lay in the river to rot.  It looks disgusting and smells even worse.  Especially if you are downwind of the dead carcasses.  The same is true of that stagnant river or creek or pond.  The dead fish floating there look disgusting and smell horrific.  It makes you wanna blow your toasties.  You know.  Upchuck-a-wucca.  Puke.  Vomit.  I think you get the picture.  So, imagine looking down at this fish soup with all the nasty little fishes floating around in it.  This stuff smells disgusting and looks even worse.  As soon as I saw it, I pushed my bowl away and said, “I’m not eating that.”  Captain Campbell looked at me and said, “What in the hell is this?”  I replied, “That right there is supposed to be fish soup.  But it looks like a stagnant pond to me.”  “Are you eating it?”  “Oh hell no.”  “Me neither.”  Pretty soon everybody at the table pushed their bowls away and determined that they weren’t going to eat.  We asked Colonel Gross if we could leave?  He said it would be impolite to leave without eating.  We told him to go right ahead and eat his soup.  We said he could eat all of our soup as well.  As soon as he looked at it, he decided it was time to leave.  Then, we were out of there.  Other than the fiasco with the fish soup, our recon of the hot refuel site went very well without any exercises in futility.

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