Bullshit and Politics – An Ode to Military Humor

When I served as the commander of the 305^th Supply and Services Company in the 227^th Maintenance Battalion At Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, I inherited a lot of problems from the previous regime.  One of the inherited problems that I decided to deal with early was the issue of the ARTEP (Army Training and Evaluation Program) failure.  The company had failed its previous ARTEP miserably, but I did not repeat that performance.  After four days of ARTEP evaluations, the ARTEP evaluation team from the 227^th Maintenance Battalion, led by Captain Jones, was ready to throw in the towel.  They had decided that we had passed all major areas of our ARTEP to include the areas where the company had failed during its previous ARTEP evaluation.  I called that a resounding success.  However, Captain Jones did not seem too pleased with the outcome that my company had achieved.  I think he actually hoped that we would fail the ARTEP.  Unfortunately, I just couldn’t accommodate the sorry sonofabitch.  Early on Friday morning, the fifth day of our ARTEP, I issued a movement order coupled with an order to break camp and secure all of our gear for movement.  I received word from Battalion that the Battalion Commander wanted me to attend a staff meeting that morning at Battalion Headquarters back in Yongsan.  I placed my Executive Officer, Lieutenant Jenson, in charge of the field site and convoy operations while I proceeded to travel back to Battalion.  When we arrived back in Garrison, I asked Private First Class (PFC) Harmon, a.k.a. Kato, “Kato, drop me off at Battalion then take my gear up to my office.  After doing that, take care of your gear, and take care of Black Beauty.”  Kato replied, “Check boss.”  When I got into the Battalion Headquarters and entered the Battalion conference room, all of the other members of the Battalion staff and the other commanders were waiting for me.  Go figure.  There was only one empty chair left at the conference table, and there was a box sitting on the table in front of that empty chair.  I thought to myself, man, this doesn’t look like a set up at all.  Does it?  Not at all!  Once I sat down, the Battalion Commander started the meeting.  The meeting was primarily about the results of my ARTEP.  And the recurring theme around the table was that the ARTEP had been a resounding success.  In fact, the ARTEP had been so successful that the Battalion commander awarded my company a three-day pass.  I told him thank you.  But I asked him to come down to the company area the following Monday during a company formation so that he could tell the entire company the good news himself.  Captain Jones spoke next.  He said, “Captain Masters, in view of the fact that you are always being recognized for your outstanding actions by the Battalion Commander and in view of your company’s outstanding actions during your ARTEP, my evaluation team would like to give you a small token of our appreciation.  Please open the box sitting in front of you.”  I knew it.  I knew there had to be some kind of practical joke associated with this meeting.  I opened the box to ascertain its contents.  Inside the box was a porcelain coffee mug.  But this was no ordinary porcelain coffee mug.  Oh hell no.  The coffee mug had a big brown nose on one side and the shape of butt cheeks with the imprint of red lips across them on the opposing side.  On the side opposite of the handle, the words EITHER WAY YOU WANT IT were printed.  I looked at Captain Jones and said, “Your day is coming.”  After the meeting, Captain Jones came up to me and said, “Hey Wright.  No hard feelings man, all right?  It was meant as a joke.”  I replied, “A joke.  Sure.  Sure.  No hard feelings man.”  But as I walked off, I whispered, Your day is coming, asshole.  When I got back to the company,  I noticed that most of the company had already returned from the field.  First, I checked with my driver, Kato to see if my vehicle Black Beauty had been cleaned and to determine if he had finished preventive maintenance on the vehicle and on his field gear.  Kato informed me, “Sir, not only have I cleaned my pioneer gear, I have also cleaned yours.”  I replied, “Kato.  That was entirely unnecessary.  I can clean my own junk.”  “Check boss.  But I figured you were busy, so I just did it.  I also cleaned your M-1911 pistol and turned it into the arms room along with my M-16.  I figured I would take care of everything since I had the time.  Your meeting took a long time.”  “Yes, it did.  Bullshit and politics always takes a long time.  And that’s all it was, bullshit and politics.  Let’s go get something to eat.  I’ll buy.”  So, Kato and I headed off to the company mess hall.  After we ate lunch, I toured the company area to determine the progress that the various different sections were making on cleaning and stowing their pioneer gear.  At 1500 hours, the First Sergeant reported that all sections were finished cleaning and stowing their field gear from the ARTEP.  I asked him to call a company formation.  When everybody was in formation, I briefly told them that we had passed the ARTEP and that the Battalion commander was going to address the company the following Monday.  Then, I dismissed the company for the weekend.  Other than some bullshit and politics, the 305^th Supply and Services Company had passed its ARTEP with no exercises in futility.    

by

by