Loose Cannon – An Ode to Military Humor – Springtime Folly

After being reassigned to the 227th Maintenance Battalion at Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, to take command of the 305th Supply and Services Company. I also unfortunately endured some harrowing experiences while traveling to and from remote sites along the Western Corridor of Korea and in the 2nd Infantry Division area near Dongducheon. The company had invariably assigned several more temporary drivers to me all of whose driving skills were questionable at best. Finally, the company assigned a driver to me that ultimately became my permanent driver, Private First Class (PFC) Harmon, who I comically referred to as my Kato. I mentioned that there were some matters of personal indoctrination that I would have to teach him, but that is another story, however, this is not that story. That story is a story for another day. Cuz I also mentioned that I had to talk about the actual change of command. You see, well actually, you really can’t see because it occurred in the past. But you catch my drift. The change of command was the next logical chronological step in the whole sequence of events. And naturally, me being a logical person, I just had to narrate the next logical chronological step in the sequence of events. It was the only prudent thing to do. And I just can’t stand it when things are not logical, and orderly. It kinda disrupts the whole flow of events. And we all know what happens then. Chaos sets in. Now, if I am the one injecting said chaos, fine. I love it. It helps to keep people on their toes. But if other people are injecting all that chaos, I have to put a screeching halt to that shit. That ain’t a two-way street. One way only. Can’t you see the goddamn signs. The day before the change of command, the Battalion Commander asked me, “Wright, should I be prepared for any dignitaries to be at this change of command?” I thought about that question for a minute, and I thought of the two possible suspects that might show up and debated the odds before answering. I replied, “I don’t think so, sir. The only two potential dignitaries that I can think of that might be even remotely concerned with this change of command are the 19^th Support Command Chief of Staff and the 19^th Support Command Commanding General. I checked with their office, and they are booked for tomorrow. Plus, I didn’t invite them. The incoming Company Commander isn’t supposed to invite guests and dignitaries.” “Okay. I just wanted to make sure. The Group Commander, and I would sure hate to be embarrassed.” “I know the feeling, Sir.” Well, generals can generally do what they damn well please. And they usually do. What they damn well please, I mean. I may have mentioned in the past that the 19^th Support Command Chief of Staff had a love-hate relationship with me. He kind of thought that he was my dad, in some respects. Naturally, he and the Commanding General of the 19^th Support Command just had to drop in for my change of command and a round of golf in Seoul. Of course, they did. Uninvited and unannounced, just as they planned it. Surprise. Surprise. I don’t know if the Group Commander had a tally sheet and was keeping score. But that was definitely strike one. No doubt about it. More on that in future stories. Before the change of command ceremony started, I asked the First Sergeant to instruct all of the soldiers and NCOs that I would address the company after the change of command so that I wouldn’t have to bore the guests and dignitaries during the ceremony with a speech to the soldiers. The change of command ceremony was executed almost flawlessly. I say almost only because the incumbent Company Commander chose to show up late for his own ceremony. Well, I guess if you are getting thrown out of the Army, what can they do to you? Throw you out of the Army? Take away your military pay? Yeah. That’ll work. He had absolutely zero incentive to show up on time. Okay, perhaps he had one possible motivator. He must have still had some level of personal pride and dignity. Other than that, the ceremony was flawless. After I took command, I thanked the Battalion Commander for trusting me with an opportunity to command the 305^th Supply and Services Company. I thanked the Group Commander, the 19^th Support Command Chief of Staff, the 19^th Support Command Commanding General, and other distinguished guests for attending the change of command. And then I ended the ceremony. The Battalion Chaplain concluded the ceremony with the benediction. My wife had baked some of her chocolate chip cookies and cinnamon rolls for the reception that followed. After the reception, my First Sergeant formed the company so that I could address the soldiers. Morale in the 305^th Supply and Services Company was really low. I wanted to go to work on morale as one of the very first issues I tackled. I had a list of the top 20 complaints that I had heard from soldiers during the time I had been conducting change of command inventories. I addressed those complaints when I addressed the soldiers. I told them how I was going to fix those top 20 problems. I told them that I was not guaranteeing them a garden of roses, but that I was guaranteeing them significant change and improvement. Then I dismissed the soldiers for the rest of the day. I informed the First Sergeant that I wanted to hold a short meeting with all NCOs in a leadership position immediately after I dismissed the formation. In that meeting, I set the tone for the first 30 days, 60 days, and 90 days of my command. I informed the NCOs that each of them would be evaluated during each of those three evaluation periods to determine their performance against my standards. I outlined six priorities for my command. I instructed the NCOs to post those six priorities in each platoon and section area of the company within one week. Then I asked them if they had any questions. I didn’t hear any. I knew that there were a few dissenters in the group. They didn’t like the fact that it was not business as usual. That was too bad. A few NCOs, I called out by name. I asked them to stay behind. I wanted to speak with those NCOs individually. After that, I wrapped up my meeting with my NCOs and dismissed them for the day as well. Just in time because the Battalion Commander wanted to see me. Of course he did. I thought I knew why. As it turned out, I was right. He had gotten his ass royally chewed out by the Group Commander because the Group Commander had not been informed that a general was going to be at the change of command ceremony. Well, dumbass! That’s because I didn’t know that a general was going to be at the change of command ceremony. Thank you very much. Of course, I couldn’t tell the dumbass that. So, I just stood in the Battalion Commander’s office and listened while I got my ass chewed. Did I deserve to get my ass chewed? I don’t think so. Did they ask me whether I thought I should get my ass chewed? Oh, hell no! Perish the thought. I was just a loose ass cannon Captain, after all. And we all know that loose cannons do whatever the hell they damn well please, whenever the hell they damn well please. As a result, I stood there quietly and took my ass chewing. After all, it was a small price to pay for a change of command that was pretty much absent from any exercises in futility.

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