Bad Drivers – An Ode to Military Humor

After being reassigned to the 227th Maintenance Battalion at Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, to take command of the 305th Supply and Services Company,  I had asked the Battalion Commander to give me a few days to G2 the company incognito before he introduced me to the company formally and we started the change of command inventory process.  Concluding my ‘G2 investigation’, I started to inventory the property of the 305th Supply and Services Company. Wherein I encountered significant resistance from certain NCOs on my very first day of property inventories.  That resistance continued for a few days until word spread around the company that I wasn’t going to take any shit from anybody.  Within four days, I had finished everything that there was to inventory on the Yongsan compound.  I informed the incumbent Company Commander that I would need a driver and a vehicle to take me up to some of the outlying sites that I would have to inventory.  When I inventoried the first of two Self-Service Supply Centers (SSSC) at Yongsan, the NCOIC and the Lieutenant in charge of that facility seemed to have their ducks in a row.  There was a reason for that, which I would discover later, but that is another story.  Their accountable property inventory went like clockwork.  I told the supply Sergeant and the incumbent Company Commander that they had demonstrated the blueprint for all subsequent accountable property inventories.  On the Friday of the first week that I had been in Yongsan at the 305th Supply and Services Company conducting the change of command inventory, I sat down with the supply Sergeant and the incumbent Company Commander to work out a schedule for the following week.  Then, I caught a bus over to Seoul station so that I could catch a train down to Taegu so I could be with my family for the weekend.  When I returned to Yongsan, Seoul, Korea, the following Monday, I was ready to start inventorying the outlying sites.  On Monday, I was scheduled to inventory the facilities at Camp Howze and Camp Edwards in the Western Corridor.  The Western Corridor is one of the major strategic approaches to Seoul from North Korea.  The story really wasn’t about what I did or didn’t do during the property inventory.  The real story is about the harrowing experience that I endured traveling to and from Camp Edwards and Camp Howze.  I am not sure the driver that the company selected had ever driven in Korea before.  He let the Korean taxi drivers and bus drivers basically walk all over him, so to speak.  He was essentially too afraid to maneuver and drive in traffic.  I told him, “Listen son, you basically have to drive this vehicle like you’re in a stock car race.  You have to pretend that you are George E. Fearless.  You want to stop just short of turning this into a demolition derby.  Do I make myself clear?  Have you ever seen a stock car race before?”  The soldier answered, “Yes sir.  I have Sir.  I just don’t know how to drive like that.”  “How long have you been driving?”  “This is actually my first time driving in Korea since I got my driver’s license.”  “Are you kidding me?”  “Oh no Sir.”  “Okay.  How long did you drive in the states?”  “Actually, I didn’t drive in the states either.”  “What!?!”  “Yes sir.  You see, I came here straight from basic and AIT.  I joined the Army straight out of high school.  My parents were pretty strict.  They wouldn’t let me drive when I was in high school.  They were afraid that I might get into trouble.”  “I know the type.  They basically tried to smother you.  It sounds like they succeeded too.  So basically, you don’t have any driving experience at all.  Is that an accurate assessment of the situation?”  “Yes sir.  And if you don’t mind my saying, I am scared shitless, Sir.”  “Got it.  If your Platoon Sergeant had known you and had bothered to talk to you, he would have known that you were not the right person for this job.  That is on him.  Relax and just try to get us home in one piece.”  When we finally got back to Yongsan that evening, I informed the incumbent Company Commander and the First Sergeant that they would have to provide a better driver for the second day when I was scheduled to travel to Camp Red Cloud in Uijeongbu.  The driver I got the second day could drive a helluva lot better, but he damn near caused four separate accidents.  Finally, he actually did cause an accident.  Granted, the accident was very minor in that all he did was to break the mirror on a Korean taxi driver’s car.  However, instead of saying he was sorry for the accident, he got into a pissing contest with the taxi driver.  I had to quickly jump in and defuse the situation.  I apologized to the Korean taxi driver and gave him $10,000 won (roughly $10 USD) to pay to have the mirror fixed.  Then, the taxi driver and I chatted for a few minutes before we said goodbye to each other.  When I got back into the vehicle, I looked at the driver and said, “That accident back there wouldn’t have cost us anything, if you had simply said you were sorry.  But no.  You had to argue and fight with the guy.  We were lucky to get away from there after only paying $10,000 won.  He could have called the KNP.  Believe me, that would have been much, much worse.”  The soldier apologized profusely for costing me money out of my pocket, but then he proceeded to get us lost in the middle of Seoul in a riot complete with CS gas and everything.  After I let him stew for a few minutes, I gave him directions to get us out of that mess and get us back to Yongsan.  Needless to say, he was also a one and done driver.  I had to go back to Camp Red Cloud the following day to inventory the property of the laundry and bath Detachment.  Yet again, I was issued another driver.  Go figure.  When I got to the laundry and bath Detachment, the guys at the detachment actually remembered me from Team Spirit.  When I walked in, one of them said, “Oh shit.  It’s him.  He’s the one who raised all of the ruckus about the cold showers at Team Spirit.”  I replied, “Cold.  Cold doesn’t even begin to describe it.  I have jumped into icy water in the polar regions that was warmer than the water coming out of your showers.  I waded through icy swamps in the dead of winter out on patrols that were warmer than your showers.  In fact, I am not totally certain that icy water was not coming out of the shower heads in your showers.  What I am totally certain of is that if I had known that you belonged to this unit, I would have jacked your asses up right there on the spot.  As it is, I have to settle for this lame ass after-the-fact ass chewing.  Now, let me tell you, do not ever let that shit happen ever again.  Are we clear?”  “Oh yes Sir.  You got it, Sir.”  The driver I drew that day was pretty damn good, so I requested to have the same driver for the rest of the week.  I figured that would be best because the last two days, I would have to travel to Camp Casey up in Dongducheon.  The inventories up in Camp Casey would actually take all of the next week as well as the final two days of the current week.  There was a lot of property to inventory up at Camp Casey.  Other than annotating missing property here and there, the inventories were going pretty well.  Other than a few early exercises in futility with bad drivers, my second week of change of command inventories were progressing pretty well.

Facebooktwitterby feather
Facebooktwitterby feather

3 Comments

Comments are closed