Previously I took a boondoggle train ride from Taegu up to Seoul to visit the commander of the 227th Maintenance Battalion, while I served as the Chief of the Armament Maintenance Branch for the Deputy Chief of Staff, Matériel, 19th Support Command, Camp Henry, South Korea. The purpose of that trip was assumed to be a trip to discuss the M1 fielding project. Of course, it was not, and it turned out to be a colossal waste of time. I always enjoyed taking bullshit trips to kill time just for shits and giggles, so I just chalked that trip up to another exercise in futility. As a soldier, you gotta have moments like that so that 40 or 50 years later when you’re sitting in your rocking chair reminiscing with your grandkids and they ask you that awe inspiring question, “Grandpa, what did you do in the Army?” You can go ahead and feed them a line of bullshit three miles long or four miles or even five miles, depending on how much time you have. Naturally, you will have to begin your tale with an introduction similar to the following: “You see, there was this time back when I was in the Army and I had to travel for three days across ice and snow for 200 miles with no food or water for an important mission.” At that point, you’re curious grandkids will naturally ask, “What happened next, grandpa? What happened next?” Of course, you realize that all of this is sheer fabrication of the imagination. But they don’t know that. And that’s the beauty of such moments as that colossal waste of time. You can make that one measly five minutes of time sound like the most exciting adventure of a lifetime. But it’s all bullshit. So, I went back to my life at the 19th Support Command, Camp Henry, South Korea. I never gave that bullshit interview with the commander of the 227th Maintenance Battalion a second thought. After I had been in the command about a year, I was appointed as the chief of the Matériel Readiness Branch in the office of the Deputy Chief of Staff, Matériel, 19th Support Command. After I had been in that role for about six months, the commanding general of the 19th support command approached me again and said that I needed to go up to Seoul and pay a visit to Lieutenant Colonel Kirk at the 227th Maintenance Battalion. This time, the general gave me a specific reason. He informed me that the 227th Maintenance Battalion had failed to meet its Matériel Readiness standards for the current month. He asked me to check it out and to analyze the problem areas and provide the Battalion with corrective measures. It all sounded pretty official and aboveboard, but I still smelled something a little bit fishy. After all, I still remembered my first boondoggle train ride up to Seoul. I pulled my guy Friday aside and informed him about what the general had told me. I said that we needed to get on the horn to all of the individual units in the 227th Maintenance Battalion and compile preliminary Matériel Readiness data. After we had collected and compiled all of the data, a picture started to come into focus. I didn’t like the looks of that picture. Even while the picture was still fuzzy, I could discern a big pile of shit behind what appeared to be covering a huge rat with a shit eating grin on its face. Things just didn’t add up. If it walked like a duck and it talked like a duck, there was a pretty good chance that it was a duck. Our preliminary research was showing that the Battalion was doing just fine in its Matériel Readiness status. Once again, I was being led down a Primrose path. But I was going to pretend like I didn’t know what in the hell was going on. Cuz, hey, I didn’t know what in the hell was going on. I just knew that somebody was trying to piss down my neck and tell me that it was raining. So, pretending to look like the obedient idiot, I booked the trip from Taegu to Seoul in order to discuss Matériel Readiness with the commander and the staff of the 227th Maintenance Battalion. Imagine my surprise when I got to Seoul and the executive officer of the 227th Maintenance Battalion informed me that I wasn’t really there to discuss Matériel Readiness. No shit. Take one. I politely asked, “Okay. Please explain why I am here?” The XO (executive officer) sat me down and gave me a 45 minute history lesson. No. The history lesson wasn’t about the Battalion. The history lesson was a personal life story of the XO’s military career including the time while he served as an assignments officer at Department of the Army. I thought, “Gee, that’s nice. Exactly what in the hell does that have to do with me?” In due time, my thoughts were answered. It was as if that XO were reading my mind. He said, “I called in a favor or two from the assignments guys and I got my hands on your entire file. I even got a copy of your restricted file.” “How in the hell did you do that? Nobody, but nobody is supposed to be able to get their hands on a person’s restricted file.” “I told you, I used to work at assignments. I know how to get those doors open.” “Exactly what in the hell were you fishing for? There aren’t any surprises in there.” “No. There weren’t any surprises. But there were things we were looking for. Things that don’t just jump off of the official file about an individual.” “That’s nice. Did you find what you are looking for?” “I’m going to let the commander answer that question.” At that moment, the commander walked in and asked me how I was doing. Then he gave me a brief rundown of all of the company operations in his Battalion. When he was finished, I asked him just one question, “Sir, does all of this have a point? Are you going somewhere with this? Or is this just nice-to-know information in case I ever play a game of Trivial Pursuit.” He replied, “I would certainly hope that you would find some interest in all of what I have told you. My intent is not to fill your brain with drivel. I would hope that you find the information I have provided useful.” “Oh. Don’t get me wrong, Sir. I don’t think that all of your words were drivel. I was just wondering why you were bothering to tell me all of this?” Once again, I came up empty. Once again, the Battalion commander and his XO dismissed me after filling me full of drivel. But I had no clear idea about why I had been asked to come here. And as I left, it occurred to me that the Battalion commander never did tell me what, if anything, he had learned by gaining access to my official military personnel file. Once again, I felt as if this meeting filled with drivel was nothing more than a colossal exercise in futility.
by 
by 
Pingback: Real Deal – An Ode to Military Humor – Springtime Folly – An Ode to Military Humor