When I served as the chief of the Matériel Readiness Branch in the office of the Deputy Chief of Staff, Matériel, 19th Support Command, Camp Henry, Korea, I served with my guy Friday, Master Sergeant Milton Peterson, who was my NCOIC. During our off-duty time, we did quite a bit of hiking together in the local mountains around Taegu. I previously posted about one fateful Saturday where we headed up into the mountains, knowing full well that we had to be back at the Sue Song Heights Apartments in time to make it to the monthly hail and farewell dinner at the Camp Henry officers club. I also posted about the events that unfolded as a result of that fateful hiking trip. And I posted about the events that took place in the aftermath of that fateful hiking trip when we returned to the Sue Song Heights apartment complex. Have you ever received the third degree from a donut eating hoodlum chaser? Cuz if you haven’t, you are in for a special treat. Let me tell you. Those donut eating sons of bitches wouldn’t take my word for shit. They treated me like public enemy number one. And the only question I asked was, “Hey fellas, who are you looking for?” It turned out that they were looking for me and my guy Friday. But how in the hell was I supposed to know that? I certainly didn’t consider myself lost. It never even dawned on me that the possibility existed that I had been reported missing. Okay. So, as far-fetched as that might be, the possibility that the donut chasers believed that we were missing was even more incredible and unrealistic. On all of the cop shows on TV, they say you have to wait 24 hours after somebody goes missing before somebody is actually missing in order to file a missing persons report. We hadn’t even been missing a full 24 hours. But, of course, cops are on a different schedule than everybody else so that might account for it. Their 24-hour schedule starts ticking at least a day before anybody is ever reported missing, maybe even two days before somebody is reported missing. They do that just for shits and giggles. I’ve been told that it helps to reduce their stress levels. Of course, that begs the question, “What in the hell are the donuts for?” Don’t tell me. I think I got it. They wouldn’t want to get emaciated and waste away. The long and short of it was that they put me through a line up and made me prove beyond a shadow of a doubt who I was with an identification card. Well, if I thought that was rough, that was nothing compared to the hazing I received from the Chief of Staff on Monday morning when I arrived at work. I think that sonofabitch was camped out at my office door step just waiting for me to show up. He kinda looked like he hadn’t eaten in a while. He had that vicious gleam of a hungry wolf in his eyes, and there was drool coming down from both corners of his lips and dropping off from his chin. I swear, if I had a raw steak, I could’ve thrown that sonofabitch straight at him and he would have snagged it out of the air like a frisbee. That’s how snarly he looked. On a normal day, the Chief of Staff addressed me by my first name. But not that day. Oh, hell no! He sneered, “Captain Masters, how nice to see you. You know, I heard this nasty little rumor about you the other night at the hail and farewell. I heard that you pretended to get lost up in the mountains just so that you wouldn’t have to come to my event. Is that true?” I replied, “No, Sir. Absolutely not, Sir. Think about it, Sir. I actually paid for my meal and my wife’s meal in advance. I lost money on that whole deal. Do you think I would deliberately miss a meal that I already paid for? Exactly what in our history together gives you that idea?” “You’re right. Now that I think about it, you are a cheap bastard. You are so goddamn cheap that you squeak. You’re the only sonofabitch I know that pulls staff duty officer five nights in a row for money and then works the next day. That right there is either the very definition of cheap or insane, I’m not sure which.” “I can assure you, Sir, I am not insane. When I lay down money in advance for an event, you can bet your biffy that I am going to be there. But Saturday, the weather just would not cooperate. I hated like hell missing that meal. As a result, I actually missed four meals that night.” “Four meals? What in the hell are you talking about? You didn’t miss four meals?” “Sure, I did, Sir. If you think about it, I always sit next to Captain Stewart, Captain Williams, and his wife, and major Anderson. What do all of those people have in common?” “Yes, tell me. What do they have in common? They all work in different branches. Only one of them is a steady customer of yours.” “They all have one thing in common, Sir. None of them ever comes to a hail and farewell. But I make sure that the waiters think that they do. Thus, I get their food, plus my food. That’s how I get four meals. Cuz I do share some of the food with my wife. You know that little itty-bitty amount of food that they serve barely feeds a four-year-old. It sure as hell doesn’t fill me up. And it sure as hell ain’t worth 20 bucks. But when I eat all those other people’s food, I feel like I get my $20 worth.” “I always wondered about that. I always wondered why you had all those empty spaces around you at the table. Hmmm… Perhaps we will have to fix that.” “Sir, I was being honest with you. Don’t be screwing up my hail and farewell experience. Don’t take away my extra food opportunity. I mean, there’s absolutely no reason why a smart guy like yourself couldn’t cash in on a deal like this as well. Oh wait. That’s right. You don’t have any choice. You have to sit at the righteous table with the high and mighty muckety mucks. Oh well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. It’s been nice chatting Sir.” “Well, let me tell you something Wright. You better not let any bullshit like that happen again.” “Oh no Sir. What bullshit Sir? You know very well, Sir, that I cannot prevent the fog.” “Get the hell out of here.” “But this is my office, Sir.” “Shut the hell up. Do you have duty tonight? Long pause for dramatic effect… Well, do you? God dammit Wright.” “You told me to shut the hell up, Sir.” “God dammit Wright, just answer the damn question.” “Oh yes Sir.” “Okay. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” The hazing had finally ended, and my exercise in futility was finally over.
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