Temporary Cooling – An Ode to Military Humor

I had settled into my new position at the 19^th Support Command at Camp Henry, South Korea.  I was appointed as the Chief of the Armament Maintenance Branch for the Deputy Chief of Staff, Matériel.  I learned that I would be responsible for fielding a bunch of new weapon systems in the Republic of Korea.  That wasn’t exactly what I was told when I was given the assignment.  If you have a good memory (and if you have read some of my previous posts) you will recall that I mentioned that I was told I was being assigned to Korea to work on the Olympics.  Yeah.  Right.  That didn’t exactly happen.  Not at all.  The 19^th Support Command Headquarters was on Camp Henry.  However, my living quarters were across town in Taegu on another military compound called Camp Walker.  My living quarters were temporary because I was on the waiting list to get an apartment in a place called Sue Song Heights.  I had no idea where that place was or even what it was.  I just knew that it existed and that I was on a waiting list for an apartment at that complex.  Meanwhile, I was staying on Camp Walker in the BOQ (Bachelor Officer Quarters).  My BOQ room even had its own air-conditioning.  It was four-prop air-conditioning.  Now you may be asking just exactly what in the hell four-prop air-conditioning was?  And if you are, I can understand the confusion.  Cuz when I asked the question, that was the answer I got.  And I promptly asked, “Exactly what in the hell is four-prop air-conditioning?”  My sponsor promptly explained to me that four-prop air-conditioning is a fan with four propeller blades turned on at high speed.  I thought to myself, “That’s just great.  I’ve been gone from Korea for eight years, but not a damn thing has changed.”  Well, that’s progress for you.  But a fan had worked well enough for me the first time I was in Korea, so I figured it would work just fine for a few weeks, this time around.  It probably would have too if the fan had actually stayed in my room.  What I didn’t know was that somebody besides me had a key to my room.  Three days after I moved in, the fan moved out.  You know that sonofabitch didn’t say one word.  Not one got damn word.  That goddamn fan just waited until I was gone and snuck out.  That’s some pretty cold shit if you ask me.  Actually, it was some hot shit.  Cuz it was getting mighty hot in late July and early August.  Mighty hot and humid.  I had a sneaking suspicion that my friend the fan had some help sneaking out of my room.  But I’m not sure who the guilty culprit was.  After two days with no sleep, I said, “That’s it.”  I had to get some temporary cooling.  I went over to the PX and asked the clerk to show me their air-conditioners.  The smallest one they had was an 8000 BTU air-conditioner.  I paid for it and asked the clerk to have it delivered to my BOQ.  I also asked if he knew anybody that might be willing to install it.  Of course, he did.  What in the hell was I thinking?  That was a real dumbass question.  This was Korea, after all.  You could find anybody to do just about anything for a price.  By the time I got over to my BOQ room, the air conditioner was already installed, and the guy was waiting for his money.  Of course, he would have taken Korean money, but American dollars were better.  Go figure.  I’m pretty sure that was because he could get a better exchange rate on the American dollars and he was going to exchange those American dollars for Korean money and actually increase his profit a tad bit.  I can’t say I blame the guy.  I would do the exact same thing if I were him.  Two days after I had my air conditioner installed, a new guy showed up and was assigned as the Chief of the Supply Branch for the Deputy Chief of Staff, Matériel.  His room in the BOQ was right across the hall from my room.  Unlike my room, his room didn’t even have a four-prop air-conditioning system installed when he moved in.  In other words, it didn’t even have a fan. He was just shit outta luck right from the get-go.  Talk about catching a tough break.  I had already been downtown and bought a Gore-Tex rain jacket.  But this poor slob didn’t have any rain protection either.  And the monsoons were picking up steam.  The first thing he did was to ask me if he could borrow my fan.  I said certainly.  I said if he could find a fan in my room he could borrow it.  The problem was that my fan had already been stolen or misplaced.  When he came into my room to get my fan, he said, “What the hell?  Where’s your fan, Wright?”  I replied, “Oh, about that.  Yeah.  See, my fan disappeared two or three days after I got here.  I ain’t seen the sonofabitch since.”  “What do you mean it disappeared?”  “Well, one morning when I went to work, it was in the room.  When I came back that afternoon, it was gone.  The door was still locked, so I guess it let itself out and took off.  I’m guessing it ran off with your fan.  Hell, they’re probably halfway to China by now.  You know.  What with no electricity.  They have to rely upon the prevailing winds to propel them along.  I’m guessing that they’re not making very good time.”  “Well, how in the hell do you stay cool?”  “Jesus H. Christ.  Are you blind?  What is that in the window?”  “Oh shit!  You went and bought a brand-new air-conditioner.”  “Damn, Sheer-luck.  You’re a regular damn detective, ain’t you.  Got damn.”  “Hey, there are two beds in here.  How about I just sleep in here?”  “On one condition.  No, make that two.”  “I’m almost afraid to ask.  What are they?”  “Oh no.  They’re not much.  Number one, no loud snoring.  If you do, put a cork in it.  Number two, and this is the most important one, stock the fridge with beer.”  “What kind of beer?”  “Let me ask you a question.  Have you had any Korean beer yet?”  “Yeah.”  “Okay then.  You know what that shit tastes like, and I drink that all the time.  So, it really doesn’t matter what you put in the fridge, as long as it’s beer and it’s cold.  I’ll stop by the PX and get an extra key made for the door.”  My new roommate, Danny, had his little idiosyncrasies but he wasn’t as bad as my first roommate in the Army, Tony Di Anzo.  When I would move to Sue Song Heights, I would sell my temporary cooling, the air-conditioner, to my temporary roommate, Danny.  In the meantime, I helped him to avoid what would surely have been an exercise in futility by allowing him to move into my room in the BOQ.

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