Getting Outta Dodge – An Ode to Military Humor

How do you tell somebody that it’s over and that you’re never going to see them again?  That sounds like a pretty tough question, doesn’t it?  Well, let’s make it a little bit tougher.  Suppose for an instant or two, or a decade or two or possibly even a light year that we’re talking about a relationship with a cherished friend.  Now, let’s suppose that the cherished friend in question just happens to be your significant emotional other such as a girlfriend or a boyfriend.  Now, let’s further suppose that the water gets a little bit muddy because we’re not talking about just one significant emotional other.  Rather, we’re talking about two or more.  For the sake of this conversation, let’s say that we’re talking about two.  Now, let’s further assume that our dashing hero has managed to keep the identities of the two young lasses completely separate and anonymous from each other so that they know nothing of the other’s existence.  That is a feat that is rather difficult to pull off.  But if someone is successful and doing such a thing, the payoff can be quite rewarding.  Now that you are totally confused and totally in the dark, it is time to shed some light upon the subject.  Let there be light.  Did that work?  No?  Hmmm…  It worked when God did it.  I wonder what I did wrong.  I’ll have to read Genesis again.  Never mind.  When I was stationed at Fort Benning, Georgia, I dated a girl named Sara who hailed from Montgomery, Alabama.  I also ran with a biker chick named Mary who was more affectionately known as Chains.  I have even talked about both of those ladies before in the same story.  If you’ve been paying attention I have talked about Chains and some escapades that I’ve been in with her and a gang of bikers on more than one occasion.  With Sara, there was just no easy way to say goodbye.  With Sara, I was saying goodbye for a really stupid reason.  I really didn’t want to say goodbye.  I really liked that girl.  However, I listened to my parents.  Perhaps in this one case I should have ignored my parents.  But I did not.  That was a mistake.  When I sent pictures of Sara home and asked if I could bring her home to meet my parents, my parents simply said, if you are coming home with her, don’t bother coming.  I got the message loud and clear.  Sara was not welcome.  However, when I met my future wife, I didn’t bother to ask my parents what they thought.  I cut my parents out of the decision-making process entirely.  With my future wife, I sent pictures home and I got a letter back asking me how serious things were.  I sent a letter back saying this is the girl I’m going to marry.  My parents immediately threw a conniption fit.  My God!  You would think that the world was going to stop or something.  I got all of the standard questions.  Don’t you think you’re rushing it?  How well do you know this girl?  Can you even communicate with this girl?  She’s a foreigner, after all.  How do you know you even like this girl?  It was a good thing that I was 10,000 miles away from them.  Number one.  And mail took at least a week to a week and a half each way.  Number two.  Phone calls were prohibitively expensive, so I almost never called.  Well, really, I never called.  Number three.  Finally, after I told my parents I was marrying my future wife and that was all there was to it, I never heard from them again.  Number four.  That made things rather simple.  So, you see, I didn’t make the same mistake twice.  Unfortunately, I did make the mistake once.  And when I told Sara goodbye, I literally broke her heart.  With Chains, it was a totally different story.  I took her out drinking one night about a week before I left Fort Benning.  While we were out drinking, I told her that I was going home to North Dakota on leave for a few weeks to visit my parents.  The only thing was that I didn’t tell her that I wasn’t coming back.  I figured she would find out the hard way through the grapevine sooner or later, when I never came back around to our favorite hangouts.  I figured she would either look up one of our mutual acquaintances or she would simply go out to my old unit and ask around out there.  After all, the Harmony Church entrance onto Fort Benning was not really a gate and it was not regularly patrolled by the MPs (military police).  Additionally, she had been to my unit before, so she knew the way.  Yeah.  I know what you’re thinking.  That’s kind of a cold way to do things.  But it was better this way.  She had way more feelings for me than I had for her.  And as far as I was concerned, our relationship was never going anywhere.  I was her pet or plaything, for God sakes.  It was better this way.  Brutally cold and heartless.  Definitely.  But better.  Much better.  Get the hell out of Dodge before the bad guys know you’re gone.  That’s the easiest way to get out of town in one piece.  I didn’t have time to deal with any exercises in futility.

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