The day had finally arrived to leave Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, and the Combined Arms and Services Staff School (CAS3) for the more familiar digs of the Eighth United States Army (EUSA) G4, United States Forces Korea (USFK) in Yongsan, Seoul, Republic of Korea (ROK). But first, I had to return to North Dakota to park my van at my parents’ house. I planned to stop at my brother’s house once again in Minneapolis overnight. I had just turned onto Interstate 35 North when I spotted a Highway Patrol cruiser sitting in the median. Go figure. Well, I had only been driving for five minutes on the interstate, and I was driving at the speed limit. So, I thought, “What could go wrong? That donut chaser isn’t going to bother me. I don’t have any donuts, and there were no donut shops back in the direction from which I had come. What were the odds that this cop would harass me?” As it turned out, those odds were pretty damn high. In fact, if the Las Vegas oddsmakers were taking bets, you could have safely put all of your money on that bet. I had no sooner passed that patrolman when he was out of the median with the lights flashing on his cruiser. What could go wrong, indeed. I pulled over and waited for the inevitable. When the donut chaser approached my van, I rolled down the window and stuck out my hand with my driver’s license and registration. He started to say, “Let me see your… Never mind.” I looked at him and replied, “What’s with you, Kansas state donut chasers? Do you coordinate with each other or something? Cuz, not two months ago, another guy pulled me over for absolutely no reason at the other end of the state on this very road just to pass the time of day. Now, it’s like déjà vu all over again. Here we go again.” “What do you mean, here we go again?” “I suppose you have a good reason for pulling me over?” “Well, your vehicle has out-of-state license plates.” “No shit, Einstein. My driver’s license is from out of state too. And if you look closely, they’re both from the same state. Damn! Isn’t that a coincidence. Wait-a-minute. You can read, can’t you?” “Of course, I can read. Where are you headed?” “Well, today I’m going as far as the Twin Cities. Tomorrow, I’ll drive to North Dakota to park this beast. However, my ultimate destination is Seoul, South Korea.” “South Korea? Where are you coming from?” “Fort Leavenworth.” “Fort Leavenworth? So, are you in the Army?” “Yes sir. But the Army doesn’t have donuts either. Look I told your pal all of this two months ago.” “What do you mean?” “Two months ago, when I was coming to Fort Leavenworth, a Kansas state highway patrolman pulled me over right after I crossed the Kansas state line. That patrolman asked me some of the same questions that you’re asking me. Why do you think I said this was déjà vu? It seems like you coordinated with that guy to arrange for this traffic stop.” “What? No. We wouldn’t do that.” “No. Of course not. And I’m the Pope.” “If you’re in the Army, what rank are you?” “I’m a Captain. That sorta means I outrank you.” “Did you go to the Gulf War?” “Wait-a-minute. Are you sure you didn’t talk to that other patrolman? These are the exact same questions that the other patrolman asked me? I gave him the same answers. By the way, he took all of my Little Debbie Chocolate Cupcakes.” “Did you have that bottle of whiskey when he pulled you over?” “I saw you looking at that. My class at Fort Leavenworth took a tour of the Holladay distillery in Weston, Missouri. Are you familiar with that place?” “I’ve heard of it, but I have never been there.” “Well, we did an off-site to the distillery. We took a tour of the place, and they offered us discounts on some of their different brands of bourbon. That Holladay Bourbon back there that you see is one of their specialties. I bought two bottles, but that is all that I have left. I wasn’t going to throw it away just because I had to go back to Korea. I figured I would take it to my brother’s house, and my brother and I could finish it.” “Where does your brother live?” “I can tell you’ve been paying attention. I told you I was going as far as the Twin Cities tonight. Do some detective work, chief.” “Oh, I get it. Your brother lives in the Twin Cities.” “Give this man a star. I’ve got a feeling that you’re going to make detective yet.” “You never answered my question.” “What question was that?” “Did you go to the Gulf War?” “Oh. That question. I thought you already had the answer because I gave it to the other patrolman. But anyway, no. See, I was in command in Korea at the time that the ground war broke out. They mobilized my unit to deploy for the war. But the war was over in a couple of days, so they didn’t need us. As a result, we didn’t go. However, my brother-in-law did get some Iraqi spoils of war. So, I have a few pieces of Iraqi gear in the back that I took to show my classmates at Fort Leavenworth as kind of a show and tell.” “May I see them?” “Sure. Why not. I let your buddy see them. He made me get out and walk around open the side door. I suppose you want me to do the same thing. Yes?” “Yes please.” “Yeah. I know how it is. You hate surprises.” I got out and walked around and opened the side door. Then, I showed the patrolman my Iraqi war spoils which basically amounted to some load-bearing equipment and a gas mask. I had some pastries that he spotted and started drooling over. I looked at him and asked, “What’s with you guys and donuts or sugary pastries?” He replied, “I haven’t had anything to eat since I started my shift and I’m really hungry.” “Go ahead. Take them. If you don’t take them, they will probably dry out by the time I get to my brother’s house, anyway. So, please take them.” “Thanks man. And drive safely.” “I will. Don’t eat all of that sugar at once.” The patrolman got back in his cruiser and headed out. Then, I pulled out into traffic and started north toward the Twin Cities. That little escapade had been yet another exercise in futility.
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