No Nunchucks for Donuts – An Ode to Military Humor

When I lived in Denver, Colorado, while attending the Precision Measuring Equipment (calibration technician school) course, I got into the habit of carrying a set of nunchucks (nunchaku), whenever I went out jogging in the neighborhood or when I had to go somewhere.  I did it as much for self-defense, as for personal security.  There were a number of reasons that I could recite as to why I needed to carry those nunchucks.  But the real reason is that I just felt safer with those nunchucks close by my side.  I even started to carry them with me when I was in my vehicle.  I would simply tuck them under the driver seat of my vehicle when I got in the car.  One day after my normal school shift was over, I got called back to work for some kind of alert.  I wasn’t sure what was going on because they didn’t give me a whole lot of details over the phone.  But the Army Detachment Sergeant told me that he wanted me to be in charge of one of the platoons.  He mentioned that he was going to stop and pick up some soft drinks and cookies.  So, I talked to my wife and I figured I would stop and get some donuts on the way in.  After I picked up the donuts, I headed to Lowry Air Force Base.  When I got to the base, the Air Force Security Police patrolman told me that they were doing a random vehicle inspection based on the last digit of the license plate and he looked at my license plate and said, “Since your license plate ends in an odd number and we’re inspecting vehicles with license plates ending in an odd number, we need to inspect your vehicle.  Please step out of the vehicle.  At first, the patrolman was doing just a plain view inspection.  Then, he started to search underneath the seats, in the glove box, and in the storage compartment at the back of the van.  Those areas were not subject to plain view inspection.  I mentioned that to him.  He pulled out my nunchucks and said, “I’m going to have to confiscate these as an unlawful weapon.”  I said, “Excuse me, private.  What you just did was an illegal search and seizure.  Underneath the driver seat of my vehicle was not subject to plain view inspection.  You violated my rights when you searched underneath the seats of my vehicle, in my glove box, and in my storage area without probable cause and without a warrant.  Thus, I shall not let you keep the nunchucks.  If you attempt to confiscate them I will bring you up on civil charges.”  “Well, Sergeant, these nunchucks are an illegal weapon on a federal installation.”  “That may be private, but I am not on federal property yet.  Give the nunchucks back to me, and I will return them to my house.  By the way, I noticed you drooling over my donuts while you were inspecting the van.  Go ahead and take a couple.  And take a couple for your partner over there too.  We wouldn’t want him to be upset because you got donuts and he didn’t.”  “Oh, I couldn’t take your donuts, Sarge.”  “Oh, I insist.  Go ahead, take a couple.  And ask your partner if he wants a couple as well.  Then, let me take my nunchucks home.”  So, I de-escalated the situation by exchanging a few donuts for my nunchucks.  Then I turned my van around and went home and put my nunchucks in the house.  Then I went back to Lowry Air Force Base.  When I went through the gate the second time, the Air Force Security Police patrolman stopped me and thanked me again for the donuts.  His partner came over and thanked me as well.  They both apologized for the harassment earlier with the inspection.  I told them to forget it and I said that I hoped they enjoyed the donuts.  Then I mentioned that I had to get moving because of the alert that was going on.  That alert had turned into a major exercise in futility.  It could’ve been costly if my nunchucks had been confiscated, thank goodness donuts are universally loved by cops of all flavors.

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