When I was stationed at Eighth United States Army (EUSA) G4, United States Forces Korea (USFK), Yongsan, Seoul, Republic of Korea (ROK), I was sent to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas to attend the Combined Arms and Services Staff School (CAS3). I flew from Korea to Minneapolis, Minnesota so that I could go to my parents’ house in North Dakota to pick up my red Chevy van, which I would use to travel to Leavenworth, Kansas. Well, I didn’t fly the plane. I just rode in it. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Why did he have to state the painfully obvious when the merely obvious would do?” Well, here’s the thing. There is at least one person out there that’s thinking, “There is no way in hell that guy just started flapping his arms and flew. That is pure and utter bullshit.” I guaran-damn-tee it. There is at least one. There always has to be one. Anyway, even after being parked for two years, my van started right up. I took it to my old friend Ted Morlock. I had worked for Ted Morlock as an assistant mechanic before I entered the Army. I asked him to tune up the engine on my van. Then, I changed the oil and drained and flushed the radiator coolant. I also put new belts and hoses on the engine. The last thing I did was to take the van to a tire shop to have the wheel alignment checked. Once all of the maintenance was completed, I had my van ready for the road. I knew the van would easily handle the trip to Fort Leavenworth. When I left my parents’ house in North Dakota, I traveled to Minneapolis and stayed overnight at my brother’s house. I completed that leg of the trip without incident. The clock in my brother’s house gave me conniption fits all night to the point where I had a premonition about my mom and her heart. I asked my brother to humor me and call her to check to see if she was all right. He thought I was crazy to wake my mom up at 2 o’clock in the morning, but I told him to humor me. Finally, he made the call. My mom said she was okay, so I thought it was a false alarm. Three days later, she had to go to the emergency room for her heart. Go figure. When I left Minneapolis, I took Interstate 35 South. Things were going along fine until I crossed the Kansas state line. I hadn’t been in Kansas more than 20 or 30 minutes when I passed a state Highway Patrol car sitting in the median. I hadn’t been speeding, so I figured I didn’t have anything to worry about. That’s what I figured. So much for figuring. I never liked math anyway. I had no sooner passed the donut patrol when I saw the familiar glow of the bubblegum machines light up in my rearview mirror. I thought, “Jesus H. Christ. Now what?” I pulled over and waited for the donut patrolman to walk up to my van. When the patrolman approached, he asked, “May I see your driver’s license and registration?” As I handed the patrolman my license and registration, I asked, “If you don’t mind my asking, officer, why did you stop me? Is there a sign on my van that says free donuts? If there is, I must have missed it.” “Where are you headed?” “I’m headed to Fort Leavenworth. But I don’t think they have free donuts there either.” “Are you in the Army?” “Yes I am, officer. But the Army doesn’t have free donuts either.” “What rank are you?” “What in the hell does that have to do with the price of tea in China or the price of donuts in Kansas?” “Nothing. I’m just asking a question. So, what is your rank?” “Not that it’s any of your damn business, but I’m a Captain. So, this is about donuts. Before you ask, no I don’t have any donuts.” “You’re a Captain? Do you have any proof of that? And what makes you think this is about donuts?” “Yeah. It’s on my military ID. Here just a minute. And about the donuts, you as much as admitted it.” I took out my military ID card and showed it to him. Then I pointed out, “Look, the pictures even kinda match. And they kinda sorta look like me. How about that! Can I get an amen brother? Or at least, can I have all my paperwork back now?” “Oh. Yeah. Sure. So, did you get a chance to go to the Gulf War?” “No. I was in command over in Korea at the time the war broke out. My unit was alerted for deployment, but the war ended too soon. As a result, we didn’t get to go.” “What do you mean, you didn’t get to go? Did you really want to go?” “Hell yeah. That’s what soldiers do. Soldiers go to war and fight. We were robbed. However, I have three brothers who were also in the service, and two of them went to the Gulf War. Additionally, my brother-in-law went to the Gulf War. He gave me some captured Iraqi military gear. I brought that gear along to show to my colleagues down at Fort Leavenworth.” “Really? May I see the gear?” “Well, I don’t know? You still haven’t told me why you stopped me. I’m kinda curious. Why did you stop me?” “Well, when you drove by, I recognized the out-of-state license plate. And I also realized that you’re a long way from home. So, I decided to pull you over to check you out to make sure you are doing all right.” “Oh. So, basically, you pulled me over to screw with me and check to see if I had donuts. Got it. Thanks. I love it when the donut patrol screws with me. I also love the smell of Napalm in the morning. Okay. I guess I could show you the war souvenirs. Step around to the side over there and I’ll just open up the side door and show them to you.” “Excuse me. If you don’t mind, could you step out of the van and walk around and open the side door.” “I get it. You’re afraid I might pull out a gun and blow you to smithereens. Smart thinking. But I ain’t that kinda guy. I don’t shoot uniformed members of the donut patrol. Cuz I figure you are serving our country the same as I am.” So, I stepped out of the van and walked around to the side and opened up the side door. Then I showed the patrolman my Iraqi Gulf War souvenirs. Afterward, he told me to drive safely and let me proceed on my journey to Fort Leavenworth. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any donuts with which to reward him. I ultimately completed the journey without further incident. My experience with that Kansas state patrolman had proved to be just another exercise in futility.
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